Here is a drawing sent in by my fan, Julie, from Palm Springs, California. Julie, you have captured my boyish charm, my sparkling eyes and my shining smile. I indeed have given you a subject that has elevated your work. Yes, Julie, you are welcome.
Hello new fans. It appears that over this holiday weekend I have been on your mind. Several of you have contacted me to let me know that you have stumbled upon this rant space. Where have you been? Why has it taken so long for you to look for me? Despite the lack of that respect you have showered me with compliments compliments so I will let that go and say thank you. (Yes, I said thank you. See how humble and gracious I am?) Yes, this site is “irresistibly me”. And I also would like to say that I appreciate Andyfan’s recognition of ‘Awesome’ belonging to me, as do ‘saturnine’ and ‘Kablooey’ (and by that I do not mean the alternative ‘Kablooie’.) It’s about time that claim was put to print. So in honor of me, and because you requested it, here is a picture of me BEING awesome… in Jamaica.Â
Posted by AndyFan: There are very few things that AndyFan will argue about with Andy (except maybe the number of hours a day that should be dedicated to this blog), but from time to time Andy will claim authorship of certain phrases, even noisy bodily gestures if you will, that are more prevalent in our society than Andy tends to believe. AndyFan has tried to convince Andy of such commonalities throughout our culture that bring upon such similar responses as Andy projects and likewise many other people. These conversations all come to an impass when such behavior is at the heart of characters portrayed on television or in film. I won’t get into who, what or how often right now, but George Costanza you know who you are. Many times Andy has, well, lets just say the Spirit Of Andy even compels Andy from time to time.
There are certainly many idiosyncrasies (no, that wasn’t me insulting Andy) that are questionable when analyzed against our film and television pop culture. Andy does travel often (read America Runs on Dunkin My Ass!, Blue moon of Kentucky, Keep On Shining…, Andy goes to the Boulder Dam, Two Directors, A Hypnotherapist and a Girl Named…Connie!, and Rumor Has It!) so it is conceivable that someone along his path who thought Andy extremely entertaining passed an Andyism to their closest writer/director friend, who in turn coined a phrase or two that belonged to Andy first. This bothers Andy, and rightfully so. If you were as entertaining as Andy and other people took credit for it you would have a hit put out on other people. Andy is a pacifist, so he does not resort to such things. Or he enjoys a Pacific resort and can’t be bothered with such things, we get our lines crossed now and then. Regardless, other people know who they are, they always do, and they should be ashamed. Shame on you other people.
So why do I bring up a topic that so far has poured more salt on the wounds than it has healed any? Well I will tell you now. Though taking it a step in another direction, Sunkist has a new advertising campaign that taps into a word that belongs to Andy. You cannot copyright a single word, nor register it as a trademark, but if you could, this one would belong to Andy. Sunkist has coined it in a phrase that makes us smile at AndyPagana.com and we wanted to pay our respects to the witty writers who came up with the campaign, but more importantly we wanted to stake Andy’s claim to the word, AWESOME!
If you have never heard Andy utter AWESOME in your presence, well you are either doing something wrong, not amusing him, or simply not fond of a good time, which brings Andy down. If you have heard this word exclaimed by our hero, well I need not explain any further, the experience has said all that I could never quite get into words. Even the definition of awesome isn’t as awesome as when awesome is said by Andrew. Andrew saying awesome is simply AWESOME! If you are not pumped up or full of adrenaline after hearing it, leave his presence right then and there, find your doctor and tell him to make sure your heart has not stopped, there may be something wrong with you.
So while we smile at Sunkists 12 ounces of awesome, we just wanted to make sure that the Andy World was aware of the origin of awesome, and AWESOME is Andy’s and Andy is AWESOME.
Please, I beg you. Leave me alone. You know who you people are. I can’t take you in my life any more. Don’t make me wish you dead.
Seriously, I love diners. Anyone who knows me knows my love for diners. I am most comfortable at a diner. I write at diners. I draw at diners. i think at diners. I even eat at diners. Master film editor Ralph Rosenblum died a bit too young partially from eating every meal, every day, in a diner. I had a teacher in college that would warn us of this… the dangers of editors eating at diners. The dangers of anyone eating every meal at a diner. Pfff.Â
I will go on about this in length if I continue on this path but that is not the purpose of this rant. The purpose of this rant is to bring to light the one problem I will have at diners. That these days the damn waitresses never seem to fill the coffee as often as they should. I never want to see the bottom of my cup. How hard is this? This IS their job. FILL THE COFFEE!! That’s the number one reason people go to diners… or “coffee shops”. See it’s even in the title… “COFFEE shop”. Seriously, what is the problem. Every few minutes grab the damn pot and walk around. People want it. And if you’re not going to do it, don’t get offended if I get up and pour it myself. Because I will. If you did your job, I wouldn’t have to.Â
It’s so annoying. I hate getting my food and not have enough coffee to drink with it. I get anxious as my food gets cold as I try to flag down my damn waitress. Look over every once in a while. Quit gabbing and start pouring. And why you’re at it, fill it up to the top. I don’t need half the damn cup for cream. In fact, fill it up and I will drink out the amount I need for cream. I realize that could be a blog by itself, believe me it was supposed to be, but I couldn’t resist… actually I couldn’t hold back.
“Patty’s” in Burbank, near Bob’s Big Boy. Notorious for this. Shame on you. Your food is pretty damn good but look around and carry a damn coffee pot.
Yes, Andyfan has outted me. I have cattle. I am very often late to places because of my cattle. (Especially in the morning. Cattle cause lots of problems in the morning.) I don’t talk much about this. My cattle are very special to me. I don’t want to share it with people. There are very few people who even know. (Thanks a lot Andyan!) But now that the cow is out of the bag… I will admit it. It is true. I will spare the details. Only that one of the cows has a spot on it that looks like my favorite hat. I call him ‘Hatsy’. He’s a bit smaller than the others. The story behind the cattle is pretty funny. It has ALMOST nothing to do with all the time I spent in Texas (but it sure helped my stature there) yet it is connected to my high school Nickname ‘Admiral Udder” (which I am still known as in a few circles) but not in the way you think.Â
As I am very busy, I do not get to see them as much as I would like. So other people have to watch them for me. I like when other people do things for me. I am told that my lack of webernet access at night and on weekends cause problems with my cattle. I do not understand this. 1) Cows don’t work the interweb. They do not have thumbs. And mine especially would be trained to NOT work on the interweb because it just causes stress and eyes to twitch. Did you ever see a cow’s eye twitch? It’s not pretty. And 2) well, damn, I forgot what 2 was. Probably from the stress of being on the interweb.
Now, I may have said this already, (it doesn’t mean enough for me to go back a paragraph and check) I do not talk about my cattle to most people. When people ask me I usually tell them it’s a rumor. I’m not sure what I will say now that I have admitted it. Maybe I will say I was joking. I’m not sure. But I ask you, if you are reading this, please let it go. Please do not ask. It takes away from the pleasure I get from raising them.Â
Andy Yes, Andyfan. I do have pigs. I have lots of animals you don’t know about.
Posted By AndyFan: I was begining to become worried. I, due to circumstances out of my control and of no relevance here, have been unable as of late to provide insight into the world of Andy. Obviously I did not see this interruption coming or I would have prepared several enjoyable stories of Andy doing this or Andy doing that. Stories that would have held you over until I returned with, well, more stories. Andy is full of stories. Or I am full of storeis about Andy, who is usually not full at all, but that is another story, or part of many stories, it is yet to be determined. My point right now is that I was not able to make good on my duties and was growing lax over the past week or so as I was consumed by “other” things. I usually don’t grow so lax so easily and was very confused at my own state. (Michigan?) Suddenly I began to realize why I felt the freedom to grow so lenient (ahh, gas), Andy was not looking over my shoulder at all. In fact, he didn’t even say a word to me last week when he left a message exclaiming something about his cattle. He calls about his cattle all the time, but it is the same problem time and again, and I don’t know anything about cattle. So I am of no use, which he tells me, time and again. So after several messages about his cattle but nothing about my absence, I began to get worried. Maybe Andy was sick. He has bovines, maybe he has swines he has never told me about. He also travels a lot, had he taken his pig (if he in fact has one) to Mexico (not sure which state that is in, but it sounds terrible) for a siesta? You would think this would be the moment that AndyFan calls Andy, but no, circumstances were still prevailing (Andy calls them priorities and thinks that mine are not in line with his) I waited until he called me about his cattle again. When I didn’t pick up his call (because now I was scared) he left me a message, this time not about the cattle. In fact it was very too the point. One my cell phone message he informed me to listen to my other message at home. In fact, he said listen to it twice, once for not picking up at home (due to circumstances) and once for not picking up the cell phone (due to fear of circumstances). When I finally retrieved said message I was relieved. He was mad. Which is good. Well, not for me, at least not this time. When he is mad at others I pull up a chair and watch, because let’s face it, Angry Andy is very funny when he is angry at others. Others can be so frustrating and it is funny to see them get theirs. But this time I was getting mine. Which is not funny, except if I have done my job. Which as of late I have not been doing.
Seriously, my eye is twitching. YOU GUYS ARE STRESSING ME OUT!!! You know who you are!!! Why not try and HELP me? Don’t add to my problems. It will only make me resent you more than I already do.