Dec 22 2010

But We Just Met?

Posted by AndyFan: Jordan it’s not you, really, it’s Andy. Apparently you have known him long enough to know this, but don’t believe half of what he says or any of what he does. I think that is right. If not, trust no one. Sorry, we could have been such good friends.

Dec 22 2010

Kansas Blows

Posted by AndyFan: People always talk about the coasts being different from middle America. Well apparently you can’t get more in the middle of America than Kansas. You will see Kansas. One day you will see. And you will rue the day  you could have been the epicenter of greatness.

Dec 22 2010

You’re Fired

Posted by AndyFan: Apparently Andy is having other henchmen do his dirty work these days. What started out as a pre-breakfast outing turned into a post dinner express ride clear across the country. Sorry Arizona, I would have warned you if I had the time. Not being one to repeat the same ride twice, Andy has decided to do a little sight seeing on this adventure, details to follow. And to top it off he has a driver. No, Andy is still the Captain, but this holiday season he is riding in style, First Mate Jordan at the wheel and Celebrity Guest and sometime one of Two Guys, sometime half of the world’s greatest comedy duo, Schwartzy in the rear cabin. And while you would think that being able to keep his hands off the wheel for 15 seconds would give him the opportunity to wish AndyFan a Happy Kwanza, no, you would think wrong again. Not even taking the calls of his #1 Fan, Andy has passed on the duties of tormenting to Schwartzy, who makes Andy on his worst day look like Gandhi. In typical fashion, the level of expectation  of go-to-it-ness was displayed when Schwartzy, in need of some personal assistance, reached out to AndyFan (it’s the cheeks). Having less time then it takes Andy to inhale a D&D 20 oz  to check my email for the expected file, Schwartzy called back to tell me he got it done himself and my services were no longer needed, and since I was on the phone, my position was terminated. Finally for Andy, my lack of paying attention is paying off and he still had a blog slave.

Dec 22 2010

Usually I Wouldn’t Follow Such a Serious Post…

Posted by AndyFan: …but I have been pissed since I was five years old that those stupid French movies didn’t have an animated pink cat throughout, so on with show. Rest in Peace Mr. Edwards, you would have liked Andy.

Dec 10 2009

The Spirit of Andy Compels Me

Rated NC-17 because apparently this stuff is very taboo. Posted by AndyFan: What the effing eff is a reimagining? Seriously? Can someone tell me? No, right the eff right effing now? And while you are at it can you explain reboot to my simple little mind? No, really? I don’t get it. A computer gets rebooted. Or a hooker after a nice romp in the sack. I understand the latter but I’m still not sure what the former means. But right now I don’t understand most computer terms except for undo, which should not be proprietary to computers. That my friends should come with real life, imagined or otherwise. However that is another post. Another Compelling post. This one is about the movies that I want deleted before they are even created, I’m sorry, rebooted, recreated, or reimagined as you will. The uncompelling ones. And some that have already been. Undo those effers too.

If you imagine something, you believe it to be. You can then go off and make it so, or just continue to believe, in your own world, happy and content. What exactly does it take to reimagine something. How effing lazy and apathetic are you that you couldn’t hold onto the thought, whether membered or remembered, and know that hey, you or someone else with a better brain than you had that thought already. Maybe it was good the first time. Maybe even better. Maybe you should just leave it the eff alone. Maybe, just maybe, if you got your head out of your arse for just a few effing minutes you might realize that if you have to imagine a few new words that make no sense just so that you have something to talk about what you have just “reimagined” to death, then maybe, just maybe, you might realize where your head is, that that genius idea you had wasn’t quite so much, since you really didn’t have it, someone else did a long long time ago, and they are pissed right now because what was once great, or at the very least compelling, has stink written all over it now. Seriously, where is the undo when you need it? On second thought, hold the explanations. I have already reimagined that you don’t exist. Never did in fact.

Dec 6 2009

AndyFan to Andy

Posted by AndyFan: Just so you know, they care because he was effing everyone.

Andy: Who?

AndyFan: What’s his name.

Andy: Who!!?

AndyFan: Uhh, Tiger Woods.

Andy: Oh, yeah! I guess he was.

Sep 28 2009

Well John Ford Did!

Posted by AndyFan: Andy has many a times (Where did that phrase come from? Why is it “a times”? Why not just “many times”?). OK, many a times I have overheard (what is overheard? Didn’t you just hear it? Did someone say it again? Or did you hear it over a bucket?). Alright, many a times I have overheard Andy retelling a situation that seems to happen time and again (think we covered that already), especially in Hollywood. Most particularly with directors. Andy may not be Steven Spielberg, at least not yet (well, he is not going to become Steven Spielberg, that is just scientifically impossible, at least if you believe in science that is) but he knows a thing or two about directing. In fact he knows more than a thing or two about directing. His knowledge of directing can only be quantified with the following example. Take all of the useless facts that Andy has crammed inside that modestly sized noggin, factor in his skill for squeezing tens times more stuff into his car and home than should physically be possible (see why you shouldn’t believe in science, it’s not always right, just ask Andy), then put those both together with his passion for Dunkin Donuts coffee (and donuts) topped with his udder frustration for lazy coffeeless bearing waitresses in coffee shops, multiply it times like a quatrillion and you have Andy The Director—well versed in the history of the craft, willing to go above and beyond the call of duty, puts in his last drop of dedication and can not stand when those who are hired to work do not want to do their jobs. With that I give you the following scenario, compiled from many a years of overhearings.

Andy: (SCREAMING) Well John Ford did!

Apathetic Cast, Crew, or Producer: Well, you’re not John Ford.

Andy: I know I am not! I am Andy Pagana! If you wanted John Ford you should have called him! But you didn’t! You hired me! So sit down, shut up and do what I say! That is what you do! You do what the director says! I am the director! Do what I say!

Apathetic Cast, Crew, or Producer: Can we still get John Ford?

Andy: None of you are hot enough to ask that question!

Aug 14 2009

Have A Great Day!

Posted By Videogrunt: Hi Sir, AndyFan said you would know what today was and that it should be a great one. I hope this makes sense. I don’t know Sir, AndyFan is kind of confusing. I can’t make sense of what he is doing, He hired me and then took off. I enjoy working for you, you are funny. But he said I can not call you directly. I have to go through him and just wait for orders. Seems to have a lot of rules for the sake of having rules. He said he is on his way back. He did say that the mission was a success and that new material would start again on Monday. In the meantime he said Bert would sing you a song. What ever that means. Should I be singing Sir? He also said to make sure Chris doesn’t lose your keys. The day is very early.

Apr 30 2009

Vintage Andy – July 16th 1993

I was still 17. I drove to a secluded little house in upstate NY where I was invited to watch the shooting of Robert Redford’s movie ‘Quiz Show’. I sat about 4 feet away from him and watched him direct. I drew him in my journal. (Thank goodness he didn’t look) The shoot was about as organized as one of my high school movie productions. (As most of you were not  part of one of them, I will leave you wondering if that was organized or not). Redford was a very nice guy. I made him laugh. Michael Ballhaus, the DP, even let me offer him suggestions. He didn’t take them. Rob Morrow, one of the friendliest celebrities I ever happened across, talked my ear off about a book he was publishing of photos from the set of Northern Exposure. Ralph Fiennes, yet to be known from Schindler’s List was also a great guy. A peaceful, fun shoot. For two days I got to go and watch. I even convinced Redford’s masseuse to give me a rub. (I was quite charming in those days) I had to take off my brown fedora because I was drawing too much attention so I wore the hat Redford wore in ‘The Natural’. He appreciated that.

Oh yeah… look how skinny I was.