Aug 29 2010

I Couldn’t Give Two Hoots

Posted by AndyFan: Four of the little effers. And I got em all. It’s like they are multiplying. I keep seeing them everywhere. And not on my long walks in the middle of the night through prince infested forests. I mean everywhere. Tattoos are nothing, these effers are starting to scare me too.

Aug 27 2010

Screw Jack, Where’s Andy?

Posted by AndyFan: So they have returned. To make it worse, I haven’t heard from Andy in quite some time now so I am a little worried about the situation (no, not that idiot who hangs out with Pauly Shore). I know, you have heard this all before. But seriously people, if we all worried about Andy a little more often he would feel better and then we wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. (Wait! That’s not right. Oh balls.) So either they got him or he must be very busy carving scars into the flesh of Hollywood. I mean typically he would call just to complain that I wasn’t using his name enough in my posts, I mean Andys’ name in my posts (had I been writing posts for him these past few months). But I haven’t heard hide nor feather from him, I mean Andy, in weeks. I refuse to believe he, I mean Andy, is just lying low and remaining silent (yes Andy, the earth just laughed for you). Even if he, Andy, was carousing with some guys, I would think we would here about it. Since we all know he, Andrew, can’t remain quiet this long, and why would he as he, Andy, has so much to share, I can only come to one conclusion, there is snow in my wardrobe and the owls have returned.

I say this because, well, the owls have returned. I have seen not one, but two new hooters in recent weeks. And the old funny looking one never left. So that’s not one, not two, but three owls sightings. To quote my six year old cousin when she heard the Jonas Brothers were retiring, WTF!! Do I really need three owls floating around at the same time. Yes, they float. Have you ever seen one fly? Me neither. Have you ever seen owl prints on the ground? Me neither. Thus, owls float. It is quite logical. Levitate from trees, actually. Can spin their heads around 360 degrees too. Which is hot. I mean a lot. Freaks me out every time I see them do it. Which would be three at this point.

So my fear is that they have captured Andy (what else would owls flying around California do this time of year) and have him strung up in some meat locker in a constant state of anxiety. In order for the world to not find out, the West Coast owls (they are very persuasive) have sent letters to the East Coast owls (no, via the US Postal Service, you people watch too many movies) and arranged the immediate capture of yours truly, AndyFan (I guess you knew who I was already, sorry). But you see, I am not going to have it. I was taught years ago what to do with stray random owls making a move on innocent victims. Shoot em. No, no, no. Not with a gun. That is illegal in most states (or maybe it’s legal, but it sounds terribly messy). I mean take their picture. Shot em with a camera. It disorients them. You don’t even need a flash. Their piercing eyes can actually see the shutter as you take the picture. For some reason it stops them from blinking. Which stops them from putting helpless bloggers in a trance. Which keeps the hope alive that one day I can get outta Warshingten fast and find our fearless, though maybe hogtied by ravenous owls (can that be?), hanging-from-a-hook-hero.

Aug 24 2010

A Call To Arms!

Posted by AndyFan: We have let our fans down. This is a horrible and sad day. Andy would cry if he thought that he was affected by this at all. We feel very bad that some people are laid up in bed with a cast, but seriously, you act as if this stuff just happens by magic. Well, only Andy knows the spell and he refuses to wave his wand around (did I really just say that?) without good reason. In his absence however I will say this, we are thinking of you and send our very best in hopes that you recover soon so that you can continue enjoying Andy as every good citizen should. By we I mean the organization that is By organization I mean you are so lucky I received this email today and checked my inbox. Wait, it is because you are laid up in bed that you are able to enjoy Andy, I think it is time to call Tanya Harding. I think your fans need some skating lessons.