Jul 13 2011

On The Other Hand

Posted by AndyFan: There is always the other hand.

With a sad and painful cry heard all the way up the street, Andy broke the cardinal rule of Captain-hood the other night—a Captain never touches his own parts. At least not under the hood. Of a car. Or boat if you must. That is what the engineers are for. To touch the captains motor. To turn it on. Make it hum. YOU know what I am talking about. No? Oh, no, oh, sorry, Andy burned his arm.

The events of Monday night, or was it Sunday, the days just fly by don’t they? I think it is the recession. People get so distracted that time just floats by and nothing gets done. A sure sign of the times. The average person just has too much on their plate and can not stay focused. Oh, yeah, the events of the other night are fuzzy because I was half asleep when I got the call from our screaming captain as he was using gutter water to flush out his eyes and rinse his arm, as he waited for the paramedics I heard approaching in the background. Apparently through all that chatter I realized he did in fact burn himself. The professional people-repair people said there was really very little a real doctor could do for him, so he should count himself lucky he only received mild chemical burns, go home and tie one off.

The whole event begs the question though, why was Andy playing sports? I mean seriously, he hates sports. It says so over there on the right. Why would he decide to open the hood of his car and take part in some NASCAR-like event when there were not ten million people sitting around waiting for a bunch of cars to stop going around in circles to see who wins the race to change their tires the fastest? Or in this case who can open the radiator cap the quickest before any heat is lost and the steam turns back into liquid? Why? And people, I know you can’t be everywhere at all times, but one of you should have been there to remind Andy that the the engine of a car contains an engine. It’s mechanical. Andy does not do mechanical. He has people for that. Black or white, Mexican or Chinese, Indian or Esopian, Andy as people to take care of the things he has little time or skill for. It’s in his contract.

Please Andyfans with a little f, pay attention next time.


Dec 16 2010

He’s the Feller that pitches for the Cleveland Indians…

As you all know, I hate sports. HATE!! (I’m using the word HATE here… ) But there has always been a soft spot in my heart for Jumpin’ Joe DiMaggio, The Brooklyn Dodgers, Mickey Mantle (Just because his name is Mickey — oh an Marilyn Monroe), the Yankess (of course) and Bob Feller. “Who the hell is Bob Feller?” you ask, I’m sure. Well, I have no idea how famous he was as a baseball player, but in the world of comedy, Bob Feller was lucky enough to have had Abbott and Costello do an entire bit about him on the famous “Who’s on First” radio broadcast of ‘The Abbott and Costello Show” sponsored by Camel Cigarettes. (Hahahaha) Here’s the end of the bit. I’m too lazy to transcribe the entire bit. (Where the hell are my interns? Or Andyfan?)

Abbott: His name is Feller! Feller! Bob Fellers! And when I say they’re’s only one Fellers on the team, that’s it. And the feller that pitches is Feller. There’s only… there’s other fellers on the team, but they’re’s uh… they’re’s only one Feller.

Costello: Boy, are you mixed up! Oh, you mean the feller that pitches is Feller and they’re’s other fellers on the team but they’re not Fellers.

Abbott: Now you grasp it!

Costello: Yes! I grasp it, but it keeps slipping out of my hand!

Anyway, today he died at 92 years old.

Sep 17 2010

The Spirit of Andy Compels Me

Posted by AndyFan: OK, I know Andy may be all tied up right now, and he has his own hooters to deal with, but I thought I would give in to “sis” for a moment and change the tone with a little rant. OK, a big rant. Who the abc’ing bleep is efd’ing Ines Sainz? Simon says go the eff away. I hope for Andy’s sake that this story has not made it to California and is simply an East Coast post game hangover mistake, but if it has people—COME ON NOW! Is it because she is hot? Really? Is that why we have made this news? And I don’t mean in the oh-I-get-it-it’s-a-mass-appeal-tabloid-story-kind-of-non-news-story-story. I mean it in the what-the-effing-eff-are-we-talking-about-here-story? For the uninitiated and Andy, if he happens to be hanging around a tele to watch, Miz Ines Sainz is a Mexican sports reporter. Before this week I would have taken that to mean a Mexican soccer fan, (a Mexican Football fan for the unamerican), but it urns out Mexico actually has a reason to have a blond, bootilicious, big-breasted, bombshell sports reporter. I haven’t figured out just yet why that is, but they have one. All that aside I am so mad right now I am not even going to get into the fact that she expects to be taken seriously wearing what she does. At least seriously at what she does for a living. And for all you feminists, I feel the same way about so-called business men in short sleeved button down business shirts. Well not the same way, but I don’t take them seriously. For gods sake man, put on a sleeve or two. But I drift.

OK, so earlier this week Ines caused an uproar in the New York Jets camp (they play football Andy, the American kind, I’ll explain it below) when she declared she was offended at the treatment she received when she entered the locker room to interview somebody who does something on the team. Now in order for this to be a story someone had to report on it. There in lies my rant.

What the effing bloody eff are we talking about here people? Ines was harassed about her ass by a bunch of men who throw around dead pigs and pile on top of each other in large groups. If it wasn’t a horrible vision to call that borderline primal erotic behavior, I would say it out loud. What exactly did she think was going to happen when she entered the locker room wearing booty pants that would make Beyonce blush? Apparently outside on the field players threw out of bounds passes so they could run by the Mexican enchantress. Throwing passes is now harassment?  In football? Out of bounds or not, I would think the Jets could stand to complete some passes. She is lucky they didn’t pile on top of her right there on the field. We are talking two steps from Neanderthals here. They run into each other for sport. Even animals in the wild have made that kind of behavior politically incorrect. If this was ancient Rome the only cat calls heard would be the lions pouncing on the gladiators. In fact, if this were ancient Rome it wold be the equivalent of Marcus Tumnus the gladiator walking past the lions cages below the arena with a big old gaping cut down his arm dripping blood and having the food deprived lions growling at him. Then upon coming onto the field having the lions swarm him because they liked what they smelled down below. To top it of, the great Ceaser would call the gladiator to apologize for the lions behavior, as they should have known better. Holy shit my head hurts.

There are three possible outcomes of this story. One, Andy has yet to hear of Ines Sainz and is pissed I focused on sports as a topic. Two, Andy has heard of Ines and is happy I focused on attacking sports as a topic. Or third, he stopped reading at hooters and is three pages into a Google image search of Ines Sainz as you read this.

Aug 6 2009

Along For The Ride

Posted by Videogrunt for AndyFan who phoned it in since he is off doing Who Knows What: We will get into Action Park one day soon, I promise. It may just be the subject of several posts in fact. Even a Spirit of Andy Compells Me. Watching Wipeout last night brought this on. If you don’t know Action Park, well then consider yourself one of the lucky. If you missed Wipeout last night, then you are unfortunate. Not as unfortunate as Andy, he didn’t win $50,000 dollars (I think that was redundant). He has talked about his loathe of sports in the past. We even have a whole category dedicated to it. HE HATES SPORTS! Let this not be mistaken. Do not be fooled by his participation in certain sport-like activities. He loves competition. He will get so side tracked by a good competitive jaunt that he will forget that he is participating in a sport-like activity. But make no mistake, sports he hates. Second to sports, he hates cold water. Wipeout. Wipeout contains them both. And mud. But he likes mud. So long as it is warm. Or body temperature. Either way, it is fine. Cold. No. Andy no like. So in true what the hell was I thinking fashion, Andy showed up for what was dubbed the “Fall Star” Episode of Wipeout. Now you all know I love a good ball joke, but this had us (yes, I am referring to myself in group terms now) on the edge of our seats as we watched in fear that our beloved hero might have found his true kryptonite, COLD WATER SPORTS. But fear not, Andy took that ball by the horn and just pounced on top of it. Using his skills of submersion he slipped past any danger and right into deep blue. Like Arnold in Predator, Andy used the coating of mud to shield himself from his enemy, allowing enough time to get out of the cold water before his defenses were down. And the hat stayed on by the way. Carry on brave hero, carry on.



Jun 7 2009


I am devastated! Some idiot combined my love for Superman with my hate for sport! All’s I gotta say.. I mean… what I want to say is… uhhhh.. I can’t handle this any more.


May 28 2009

I now hate sports even more than I did before

I am working on a ‘video project’. I hate ‘video projects’ especially when they’re for someone else. Even more especially when they are for someone else and I am not getting paid. I charge a lot of money to do these types of projects. It consists of shooting some lame event or taking pictures someone has given to me on a disc or to be scanned and edit them and put them to music so they can watch at some event and give away to the people that are in the damn video. 

I stopped doing these projects a long time ago. I have done HUNDREDS, literally HUNDREDS of them over the past 15 years. I swore I would not do one again for someone else unless I am HIGHLY COMPENSATED. Even then it is debatable. That’s how much I hate them. NOW, so often these projects are for weddings, parties, funerals, religious rights of passage, and other social crap but every once in a while I get something involving sports. AND I HATE SPORTS!!! No no no no no. Let me make this CLEAR. I EFFIN HATE SPORTS. I can’t understand them and I hate everything I can’t understand. What is the point to playing them? I don’t get it. And worse, actually, I’m not sure it’s worse, but what the hell is the point of watching them? These athletes all seem so angry and self centered to me. (I hate self centered people. They should be centered more on me). Have you ever met a professional baseball player? They are the biggest group of… well, that’s not what I am here to talk about.

I am here to talk about a video I am doing. A SPORTS VIDEO. One I have to do for my job. Can you believe it?? A job in which I am supposed to be directing a children’s show. That is what I was hired to do. Andyway, I can’t talk about how I had this gig thrust upon me but lets just say I have to take this one for the team. And despite hating sports I am a team player. Now, another thing, I hate little league. I have always hated the little league. When I was a kid I was FORCED to go where there was NOTHING for me to do. AHHHHHHHH!!!!! And why do all the little league stadiums look and feel and smell the same? The crooked fences and wooden bleachers with the pealing green paint… I am getting angry and anxious  just thinking about it. Reliving those horrid days of my otherwise wonderful and magical childhood. Just the sounds of a little league field cannot be copied anywhere else. I hate the sounds of it. Did I say it makes me tense? and anxious? And Moody? It does. 

Well, guess what? For this job I actually found myself taping a little league baseball game recently and for the first time stepped out onto the field during a game. (Actually that is not true. I had a comical couple of weeks as a little league umpire but we’ll get to that another time!) And I got to hang out in the dug out which I never did before. Well, none that matters. What I found even more disturbing than all the general sports and little league things is that at one point I heard the coach shout to his team “Okay Kids, back up. The good hitters are coming now!”

Whaaa??? What a terrible thing to shout. What about the poor loser kid that can’t hit that just swung out?? Doesn’t he feel bad enough without you yelling it to the world? Don’t you realize how that effects a kid???? Seriously, let his teammates and friends and enemies put him down, his peers… but not a grown up in what appears to be an authoritative position. For crying out loud! Now, I don’t think we need to coddle these kids. And if they stink… they stink, that’s fine, they know it already. And if you have to tell them, tell them quietly, but good gravy man, don’t shout it. See, I don’t have a problem telling kids the truth. Or given them a harsh bit of reality. (Sometimes for fun I even tell them they stink, just… well, just because…) but something seemed particularly cruel about this little baseball episode. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just another reason I can say that causes me to hate sports. After all, that kid was really bad.

May 7 2009

Red Carpet Andy (OK, Blue)

Posted by AndyFan: Our West Coast reporters are on the case. Andy was spotted at the season 2 premiere party for ABCs Wipeout on Monday night. We are a bit concerned as rumors have it that Andy will be making an appearance in this season, and not as a part of a best of compilation episode as he has in the past. At first I agreed with the 3 Mommies, what was he thinking? I don’t know who the 3 Mommies are but there is little reliable reference online and three moms seemed like a good source. I have to say that AndyFan (yes, talking in the third person) did try and talk Andy out of it the first time. Reality TV is not TV to AndyFan, and it is certainly below Andy to be a part of. Jon and Kate, come on now. Eight kids isn’t a miracle, the nation wanting to watch 8 kids and two numbnut parents is a miracle. Most parents can barely stand their own kids for a half an hour straight, why do people want to watch that zoo. And they have a website? Come on other people, don’t you get mad when your crazy uncle sends you a Snapfish link to the family vacation photos? We are all glad that most of our relatives still don’t know how to plug there video cameras into the tv to show us their trips like the good ol’ days of Super 8 movies. Why would you want to see some strangers, ten of them for the matter, sharing a forced good time for the cameras. And are we really crying for their situation, they have someone to take the picture of them. Most normal insane families have to find a ledge, argue about how to use the timer, set the thing up, run back around and look like an arse when they cut off their heads because they aren’t photographers and shouldn’t be setting up shots.

Andyway, AndyFan was very against Andys forray into the reality television world, but then one night Andy calls AndyFan to tell him the premeire is airing. AndyFan was given moments to find a television. And find a television he did. A big one. One almost large enough to portray Andys awesomeness the way his awesomeness is meant to be portrayed. One big enough to make his trip up the treadmill (he swears it was moving) death defying. A screen big enough to show just how big those balls were, especially when he fell off the giant red rubber bouncy things. This wasn’t reality tv, this was Indiana Jones meets the Three Stooges, without the snakes. The real shame was not being able to see Andy jump the swirling arms as he stood on a tiny post. Get rid of the athletes, put in the couch potatoes.

If the stories are true, we hope that Andy has not been walking around Hollywood with a cane (at least not with out sending us a picture). As much fun as it was to watch the first time, Andy did need some physical therapy afterwards. That thing was like the modern day gaunlet. And Andy hates sports. He says so all the time.

In Our Sights

Apr 9 2009

I REALLY hate sports with a passion. REALLY!!! (Andy and his pal, Bruce Beck)

And I mean with a passion. See, I am using the word ‘hate’ here. You know when a couple first gets together and the word ‘love’ cant describe even a fraction of what they feel for each other? Well, the same goes for me with the word hate to describe sports. I just simply don’t get it. BORING! Would somebody explain to me what the fascination is with watching two people hit a ball back and forth to each other, or kicking a ball or hitting a ball? And to watch it live I guess is one thing, but to watch it on TV… that I REALLY can’t understand. I mean, seriously, the same old boring shots. Wide shot. Full body shot with a long lens. Wide shot again. AAhhhhhh!!! I hate it. I’m angry just thinking how obsessed people get with it. And Im an obsessive person. (No really, I am)

And then to PLAY sports… what the hell is this? Exercise for fun? How is that possible? And the hero worship REALLY gets me. These delicate geniuses are treated like gods for what? Are they really better than me? Why? Because they can hit a ball fast? Or ski fast? Or get a ball in a hole? Or what? Who cares???

I can actually go on with specifics of what I REALLY think about sports but I won’t for reasons I do not care to disclose at this time. What I do have to say is that it has been my misfortune, after a lifetime of feeling the way I do about sports, to have worked nearly exclusively on sports-related projects for about ten years. The U.S. Olympic Committee (don’t get me started), The NBA(Ahhhhh!), PGA Tour Sunday, and The U.S. Tennis Open just to name a few.

I made the best of it, I assure you. I even had some fun. I traveled and goofed around, and always did a bang up job as I don’t know how to be any other way. (I am awesome). Although I must admit my ignorance of sports etiquette has caused a few touch and go moments. I had a lens smashed by a female golfer with a nervous swing (I was REALLY close to the ball in her defense and she was slammin hot, so I forgive her), I was thrown out of a tennis match on national TV by one of the players  for disturbing him (apparently these delicate tennis players are very sensitive to noise) and almost got beat up by some hard core fans. And then I was almost beaten to death for saying I hope one of these multi-retiring athletes loses his final match because I was stuck in a hall for several minutes while we waited for him to pass on through. Damn it! I have an all access pass. I should be allowed to move freely. Didn’t someone tell them the position of God was already taken?  (By the way, I would name these athletes here but I don’t remember or know how to spell them.)

Andyway, back to the point. The point is, the less I know about sports, the more amused I am with myself going into these jobs. But it can cause confusion. So lucky for me I made a friend in WNBC’s Bruce Beck (sports anchor – New York) during my stint doing a radio show at the US Tennis Open. He was always kind enough to answer any questions I may have. Luckily, I was even able to have one of these moments caught on tape. (I had a question about the numbers in parenthasis after the players name on the roster, apparently called ‘seeds’). So here, check it out…

Andy Pagana and Bruce Beck discuss Tennis