May 31 2009

Quit your yappin’ and give me my coffee.

This morning I sat for ten minutes at Mel’s Diner on Ventura in Sherman Oaks and waited for someone to refill my damn coffee. I mean, really… is it that hard to quit yappin with the other waitresses and grab a pot?

May 29 2009

Mr. Mills… Here is a picture of my Gram because you made me think of Michael Lee.

Hey Mr. Mills. I think this is the first time my blog is written specifically to one person. Well, it’s not just for you but I’m starting it addressed to you because you have changed my blog today. I was probably going to continue to complain about this sports video I am editing but you made mention of Michael Lee and made me laugh. Ahhh… Mr. Perfect. Funny enough, I have recently been in contact with Michael Lee. That dumb bastard. Ha! I love that guy! I miss the way he always said dumb… “DUUUHHHHMMM!” ha! I’m laughing out loud. Very few people other than me make me do that. So, andyway, between you appearing out of nowhere and then mentioning Michael Lee, I have enjoyed a slight trip down memory lane, which honestly has never really been that far. I wanted to post a picture of him but I couldn’t find one. Well, that’s not true. I know where they are but I’m too preoccupied to get one. So then I was going to place a random picture of you. But again… too much work right now. So instead I give you a picture of my grandma. I love my grandma. I can hear her now, calling me a horse’s ass. Ahhhh. I miss you Gram. I miss you, Mr. Mills. And yes.. Michael lee, I miss you very much too. You dumb bastard. As for the rest of you… well, we’ll see.


May 28 2009

I now hate sports even more than I did before

I am working on a ‘video project’. I hate ‘video projects’ especially when they’re for someone else. Even more especially when they are for someone else and I am not getting paid. I charge a lot of money to do these types of projects. It consists of shooting some lame event or taking pictures someone has given to me on a disc or to be scanned and edit them and put them to music so they can watch at some event and give away to the people that are in the damn video. 

I stopped doing these projects a long time ago. I have done HUNDREDS, literally HUNDREDS of them over the past 15 years. I swore I would not do one again for someone else unless I am HIGHLY COMPENSATED. Even then it is debatable. That’s how much I hate them. NOW, so often these projects are for weddings, parties, funerals, religious rights of passage, and other social crap but every once in a while I get something involving sports. AND I HATE SPORTS!!! No no no no no. Let me make this CLEAR. I EFFIN HATE SPORTS. I can’t understand them and I hate everything I can’t understand. What is the point to playing them? I don’t get it. And worse, actually, I’m not sure it’s worse, but what the hell is the point of watching them? These athletes all seem so angry and self centered to me. (I hate self centered people. They should be centered more on me). Have you ever met a professional baseball player? They are the biggest group of… well, that’s not what I am here to talk about.

I am here to talk about a video I am doing. A SPORTS VIDEO. One I have to do for my job. Can you believe it?? A job in which I am supposed to be directing a children’s show. That is what I was hired to do. Andyway, I can’t talk about how I had this gig thrust upon me but lets just say I have to take this one for the team. And despite hating sports I am a team player. Now, another thing, I hate little league. I have always hated the little league. When I was a kid I was FORCED to go where there was NOTHING for me to do. AHHHHHHHH!!!!! And why do all the little league stadiums look and feel and smell the same? The crooked fences and wooden bleachers with the pealing green paint… I am getting angry and anxious  just thinking about it. Reliving those horrid days of my otherwise wonderful and magical childhood. Just the sounds of a little league field cannot be copied anywhere else. I hate the sounds of it. Did I say it makes me tense? and anxious? And Moody? It does. 

Well, guess what? For this job I actually found myself taping a little league baseball game recently and for the first time stepped out onto the field during a game. (Actually that is not true. I had a comical couple of weeks as a little league umpire but we’ll get to that another time!) And I got to hang out in the dug out which I never did before. Well, none that matters. What I found even more disturbing than all the general sports and little league things is that at one point I heard the coach shout to his team “Okay Kids, back up. The good hitters are coming now!”

Whaaa??? What a terrible thing to shout. What about the poor loser kid that can’t hit that just swung out?? Doesn’t he feel bad enough without you yelling it to the world? Don’t you realize how that effects a kid???? Seriously, let his teammates and friends and enemies put him down, his peers… but not a grown up in what appears to be an authoritative position. For crying out loud! Now, I don’t think we need to coddle these kids. And if they stink… they stink, that’s fine, they know it already. And if you have to tell them, tell them quietly, but good gravy man, don’t shout it. See, I don’t have a problem telling kids the truth. Or given them a harsh bit of reality. (Sometimes for fun I even tell them they stink, just… well, just because…) but something seemed particularly cruel about this little baseball episode. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just another reason I can say that causes me to hate sports. After all, that kid was really bad.

May 27 2009

Fan Art


Here is a drawing sent in by my fan, Julie, from Palm Springs, California. Julie, you have captured my boyish charm, my sparkling eyes and my shining smile. I indeed have given you a subject that has elevated your work. Yes, Julie, you are welcome.

May 26 2009

It seems that yes… I am AWESOME

Hello new fans. It appears that over this holiday weekend I have been on your mind. Several of you have contacted me to let me know that you have stumbled upon this rant space. Where have you been? Why has it taken so long for you to look for me? Despite the lack of that respect you have showered me with compliments compliments so I will let that go and say thank you. (Yes, I said thank you. See how humble and gracious I am?) Yes, this site is “irresistibly me”. And I also would like to say that I appreciate Andyfan’s recognition of ‘Awesome’ belonging to me, as do ‘saturnine’ and ‘Kablooey’ (and by that I do not mean the alternative ‘Kablooie’.) It’s about time that claim was put to print. So in honor of me, and because you requested it, here is a picture of me BEING awesome… in Jamaica. 


May 22 2009

The Original 3,552 Ounces of Pure Awesome

Posted by AndyFan: There are very few things that AndyFan will argue about with Andy (except maybe the number of hours a day that should be dedicated to this blog), but from time to time Andy will claim authorship of certain phrases, even noisy bodily gestures if you will, that are more prevalent in our society than Andy tends to believe. AndyFan has tried to convince Andy of such commonalities throughout our culture that bring upon such similar responses as Andy projects and likewise many other people. These conversations all come to an impass when such behavior is at the heart of characters portrayed on television or in film. I won’t get into who, what or how often right now, but George Costanza you know who you are. Many times Andy has, well, lets just say the Spirit Of Andy even compels Andy from time to time.

There are certainly many idiosyncrasies (no, that wasn’t me insulting Andy) that are questionable when analyzed against our film and television pop culture. Andy does travel often (read America Runs on Dunkin My Ass!, Blue moon of Kentucky, Keep On Shining…, Andy goes to the Boulder Dam, Two Directors, A Hypnotherapist and a Girl Named…Connie!, and Rumor Has It!) so it is conceivable that someone along his path who thought Andy extremely entertaining passed an Andyism to their closest writer/director friend, who in turn coined a phrase or two that belonged to Andy first. This bothers Andy, and rightfully so. If you were as entertaining as Andy and other people took credit for it you would have a hit put out on other people. Andy is a pacifist, so he does not resort to such things. Or he enjoys a Pacific resort and can’t be bothered with such things, we get our lines crossed now and then. Regardless, other people know who they are, they always do, and they should be ashamed. Shame on you other people.

So why do I bring up a topic that so far has poured more salt on the wounds than it has healed any? Well I will tell you now. Though taking it a step in another direction, Sunkist has a new advertising campaign that taps into a word that belongs to Andy. You cannot copyright a single word, nor register it as a trademark, but if you could, this one would belong to Andy. Sunkist has coined it in a phrase that makes us smile at and we wanted to pay our respects to the witty writers who came up with the campaign, but more importantly we wanted to stake Andy’s claim to the word, AWESOME!

If you have never heard Andy utter AWESOME in your presence, well you are either doing something wrong, not amusing him, or simply not fond of a good time, which brings Andy down. If you have heard this word exclaimed by our hero, well I need not explain any further, the experience has said all that I could never quite get into words. Even the definition of awesome isn’t as awesome as when awesome is said by Andrew. Andrew saying awesome is simply AWESOME! If you are not pumped up or full of adrenaline after hearing it, leave his presence right then and there, find your doctor and tell him to make sure your heart has not stopped, there may be something wrong with you.

So while we smile at Sunkists 12 ounces of awesome, we just wanted to make sure that the Andy World was aware of the origin of awesome, and AWESOME is Andy’s and Andy is AWESOME.

May 22 2009

Just Leave Me Alone

Please, I beg you. Leave me alone. You know who you people are. I can’t take you in my life any more. Don’t make me wish you dead.

May 22 2009

Owls are evil

Seriously, I just need to say it again. They are evil, evil evil.

May 21 2009

No! I did not want my option renewed.

Damn! I can’t get into this right now.

May 20 2009

How hard is it to just refill my coffee??

Seriously, I love diners. Anyone who knows me knows my love for diners. I am most comfortable at a diner. I write at diners. I draw at diners. i think at diners. I even eat at diners. Master film editor Ralph Rosenblum died a bit too young partially from eating every meal, every day, in a diner. I had a teacher in college that would warn us of this… the dangers of editors eating at diners. The dangers of anyone eating every meal at a diner. Pfff. 

I will go on about this in length if I continue on this path but that is not the purpose of this rant. The purpose of this rant is to bring to light the one problem I will have at diners. That these days the damn waitresses never seem to fill the coffee as often as they should. I never want to see the bottom of my cup. How hard is this? This IS their job. FILL THE COFFEE!! That’s the number one reason people go to diners… or “coffee shops”. See it’s even in the title… “COFFEE shop”. Seriously, what is the problem. Every few minutes grab the damn pot and walk around. People want it. And if you’re not going to do it, don’t get offended if I get up and pour it myself. Because I will. If you did your job, I wouldn’t have to. 

It’s so annoying. I hate getting my food and not have enough coffee to drink with it. I get anxious as my food gets cold as I try to flag down my damn waitress. Look over every once in a while. Quit gabbing and start pouring. And why you’re at it, fill it up to the top. I don’t need half the damn cup for cream. In fact, fill it up and I will drink out the amount I need for cream. I realize that could be a blog by itself, believe me it was supposed to be, but I couldn’t resist… actually I couldn’t hold back.

“Patty’s” in Burbank, near Bob’s Big Boy. Notorious for this. Shame on you. Your food is pretty damn good but look around and carry a damn coffee pot.