Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Yes, Andyfan has outted me. I have cattle. I am very often late to places because of my cattle. (Especially in the morning. Cattle cause lots of problems in the morning.) I don’t talk much about this. My cattle are very special to me. I don’t want to share it with people. There are very few people who even know. (Thanks a lot Andyan!) But now that the cow is out of the bag… I will admit it. It is true. I will spare the details. Only that one of the cows has a spot on it that looks like my favorite hat. I call him ‘Hatsy’. He’s a bit smaller than the others. The story behind the cattle is pretty funny. It has ALMOST nothing to do with all the time I spent in Texas (but it sure helped my stature there) yet it is connected to my high school Nickname ‘Admiral Udder” (which I am still known as in a few circles) but not in the way you think. 

As I am very busy, I do not get to see them as much as I would like. So other people have to watch them for me. I like when other people do things for me. I am told that my lack of webernet access at night and on weekends cause problems with my cattle. I do not understand this. 1) Cows don’t work the interweb. They do not have thumbs. And mine especially would be trained to NOT work on the interweb because it just causes stress and eyes to twitch. Did you ever see a cow’s eye twitch? It’s not pretty. And 2) well, damn, I forgot what 2 was. Probably from the stress of being on the interweb.

Now, I may have said this already, (it doesn’t mean enough for me to go back a paragraph and check) I do not talk about my cattle to most people. When people ask me I usually tell them it’s a rumor. I’m not sure what I will say now that I have admitted it. Maybe I will say I was joking. I’m not sure. But I ask you, if you are reading this, please let it go. Please do not ask. It takes away from the pleasure I get from raising them. 

Andy Yes, Andyfan. I do have pigs. I have lots of animals you don’t know about.

Posted By AndyFan: I was begining to become worried. I, due to circumstances out of my control and of no relevance here, have been unable as of late to provide insight into the world of Andy. Obviously I did not see this interruption coming or I would have prepared several enjoyable stories of Andy doing this or Andy doing that. Stories that would have held you over until I returned with, well, more stories. Andy is full of stories. Or I am full of storeis about Andy, who is usually not full at all, but that is another story, or part of many stories, it is yet to be determined. My point right now is that I was not able to make good on my duties and was growing lax over the past week or so as I was consumed by “other” things. I usually don’t grow so lax so easily and was very confused at my own state. (Michigan?) Suddenly I began to realize why I felt the freedom to grow so lenient (ahh, gas), Andy was not looking over my shoulder at all. In fact, he didn’t even say a word to me last week when he left a message exclaiming something about his cattle. He calls about his cattle all the time, but it is the same problem time and again, and I don’t know anything about cattle. So I am of no use, which he tells me, time and again. So after several messages about his cattle but nothing about my absence, I began to get worried. Maybe Andy was sick. He has bovines, maybe he has swines he has never told me about. He also travels a lot, had he taken his pig (if he in fact has one) to Mexico (not sure which state that is in, but it sounds terrible) for a siesta? You would think this would be the moment that AndyFan calls Andy, but no, circumstances were still prevailing (Andy calls them priorities and thinks that mine are not in line with his) I waited until he called me about his cattle again. When I didn’t pick up his call (because now I was scared) he left me a message, this time not about the cattle. In fact it was very too the point. One my cell phone message he informed me to listen to my other message at home. In fact, he said listen to it twice, once for not picking up at home (due to circumstances) and once for not picking up the cell phone (due to fear of circumstances). When I finally retrieved said message I was relieved. He was mad. Which is good. Well, not for me, at least not this time. When he is mad at others I pull up a chair and watch, because let’s face it, Angry Andy is very funny when he is angry at others. Others can be so frustrating and it is funny to see them get theirs. But this time I was getting mine. Which is not funny, except if I have done my job. Which as of late I have not been doing.

Seriously, my eye is twitching. YOU GUYS ARE STRESSING ME OUT!!! You know who you are!!! Why not try and HELP me? Don’t add to my problems. It will only make me resent you more than I already do.

How the hell did this happen?

This is from a bathroom in the backlot of Universal Studios. I clearly don’t know as much about filmmaking as I thought because I can’t figure out why someone would stick gloves in the toilet.

A self portrait for today…

Lets say this. i like coffee. I have always liked coffee. I am not addicted, i do not drink it every day, I do not need it. It is a comfort however. I drank it as a kid because my grandfather drank it. Black. I drank it college years because I liked the boost. Gene and I would go to Dunkin Donuts and each get large coffees with cream and sugar. (At the gas stations we would get Irish creme in our gas station coffee. We both happened to love that). Living in Colorado I would go with my writing partner to Dunkin Donuts and we’d get coffee and talk about changing the world. My travels took me all over the tri state area and dunkin donuts was always there as my friend. Except in NYC. There were only a few in those days an they BLEW!! That’s right. It was like the kind on the highway – 87 northbound on the way to Monroe/Woodbury. They wouldn’t put the dam sugar in themselves. That changes the flavor. they had a formula. They know the right amount to put in when you say ‘Cream and Sugar’ or ‘light and sweet’. They put it in first, before the coffee, so you didn’t have to stir it. Plus, I liked things ready to go. I hate having to do more work. Give it to me ready to drink. I avoided those Dunkin donutssssss. Then I journeyed west. And where the hell is the damn Dunkin Donuts??? NO WHERE!!!!! Not in California anyway. I can’t even get on their electronic webplace and find the nearest one it is so far away. Yet their slogan is ‘America Runs On Dunkin” WTF?? Seriously. Is California not in America? I know they seem strange out here, and, trust me, I want to ignore these soulless people as much as the rest of the country but really, we HAVE to acknowledge that they are in this union of ours until we can figure out how to get them out. (Maybe give it back to the Russians) Andyway, I have complained about this over and over and over again to andyone that would listen. No one cared. Damn! I even tried to get the California government involved but they don’t feel it is an important slight. WTF?? Seriously. Maybe someone should sue Dunkin Donuts for false advertising. I finally found one Dunkin in California…  north of San Francisco. Bunch of BULL#$%@!!!! Anyway, I happened to be in Vegas several weeks back (See below for photos of the Hoover Damn) and lo and behold… I found one!! Actually TWO!!!! They had not been there last trip through town I assure you!!!! They are expanding to Nevada!!! AWESOME! So I documented the event…

Well, this past weekend I was craving my DandD. I hopped on the road and headed to Vegas, music blasting, sun shining. What a great trip. I found a third one and mixed another passion of mine, the belly picture…

Posted By AndyFan: This isn’t the actual theory, the actual theory has been brewing for a few weeks now, prompted by one of Andy’s posts, but this is a teaser to the actual theory. The theory is that Andy is changing, changing in ways we never saw coming. I am working on this theory but I am having trouble tracking down the reference. I was given it by someone, apparently an old friend of Andy’s, but that too I have to confirm. When I am ready I will reveal this theory upon the AndyWorld for all to disect. I was not going to say anything until the time was right, but with Andy saying his head is ready to explode I think that time is right now. Please make sure you see a doctor dear Andy, I do fear you may be correct.

Sorry folks. My head is about to explode.

Posted by AndyFan: Our West Coast reporters are on the case. Andy was spotted at the season 2 premiere party for ABCs Wipeout on Monday night. We are a bit concerned as rumors have it that Andy will be making an appearance in this season, and not as a part of a best of compilation episode as he has in the past. At first I agreed with the 3 Mommies, what was he thinking? I don’t know who the 3 Mommies are but there is little reliable reference online and three moms seemed like a good source. I have to say that AndyFan (yes, talking in the third person) did try and talk Andy out of it the first time. Reality TV is not TV to AndyFan, and it is certainly below Andy to be a part of. Jon and Kate, come on now. Eight kids isn’t a miracle, the nation wanting to watch 8 kids and two numbnut parents is a miracle. Most parents can barely stand their own kids for a half an hour straight, why do people want to watch that zoo. And they have a website? Come on other people, don’t you get mad when your crazy uncle sends you a Snapfish link to the family vacation photos? We are all glad that most of our relatives still don’t know how to plug there video cameras into the tv to show us their trips like the good ol’ days of Super 8 movies. Why would you want to see some strangers, ten of them for the matter, sharing a forced good time for the cameras. And are we really crying for their situation, they have someone to take the picture of them. Most normal insane families have to find a ledge, argue about how to use the timer, set the thing up, run back around and look like an arse when they cut off their heads because they aren’t photographers and shouldn’t be setting up shots.

Andyway, AndyFan was very against Andys forray into the reality television world, but then one night Andy calls AndyFan to tell him the premeire is airing. AndyFan was given moments to find a television. And find a television he did. A big one. One almost large enough to portray Andys awesomeness the way his awesomeness is meant to be portrayed. One big enough to make his trip up the treadmill (he swears it was moving) death defying. A screen big enough to show just how big those balls were, especially when he fell off the giant red rubber bouncy things. This wasn’t reality tv, this was Indiana Jones meets the Three Stooges, without the snakes. The real shame was not being able to see Andy jump the swirling arms as he stood on a tiny post. Get rid of the athletes, put in the couch potatoes.

If the stories are true, we hope that Andy has not been walking around Hollywood with a cane (at least not with out sending us a picture). As much fun as it was to watch the first time, Andy did need some physical therapy afterwards. That thing was like the modern day gaunlet. And Andy hates sports. He says so all the time.