May 6 2009

Barbara Would Be Proud

Posted by AndyFan: There are few in Andy’s life who can whirl through and cause more excitement and yet somehow leave the place tidier than before they arrived. And that my good Andyfriends, is no small feat. First of all, very few are more exciting than Andy. But more importantly, if any of you have had the fortune of working on any one of the plethora of projects that Andy has helmed, have had a chance to visit him when he is relaxing at home, or have merely taken a ride with him in the Grand Marquis of the moment, you have no doubt witnessed the unfolding of his entire life before you. Not an unfolding like an unraveling or falling apart. This unfolding is more like using one of those mini-pocket maps, the ones that only fit in yor wallet if you put it there the second you purchase it and store it away with your change. Do not open it, it will never go back to its intended place again. You will never fit it in your wallet once you have even just flipped a corner up to look. You may even throw it across the street once you realize that it is no longer the size of a credit card but rather as thick as War and Peace, only to need it five minutes later and have to walk back and look all over for it to no avail, return to the place of purchase, acquire another at the same price, start back on your path, only to trip over the first copy of War and Peace and kick it, for not showing up sooner, stub your toe, scream an expletive or two, throw the newer, unopened copy of War and Peace past the the first one that you kicked, find a seat, look around to see if there are any loyal subjects to go retrieve both copies, one to possibly even return the second copy that was unused though slightly scuffed from sliding across the floor, read the first copy from beginning to end, figure out which direction you should be going in, point you in that direction and walk you there, simply because they should enjoy your company. That is the unfolding that I am referring to.

To apply this to Andy imagine a room. Now fill this room from bottom to top. In fact, fill it again. Ok, one more time. Now take the contents that are filling the room, put them in nicely separated plastic bins, the ones that stack, condensing the objects in possession to a fraction of their original size and shove them ever so gently into the spare room. The one that was not opened yet. Like the mini-pocket map, this must be done at the time of aquisition. Any time after and it would be too late. Once stored in said room, refill the first room in the same manner, store new material in bins and find a way to get them into the same spare room. Then hit play and watch Andy go. More than likely he will need the very object that arrived first, the one that is all the way at the bottom of the spare room, all the way in back, under every other bin. Only Andy holds the key to how the bins are organized, however, that too is in one of the bins. So now the hunt is on for the object of desire and/or the key to where that object lies. Bins are opened. They overflow into the outer room, expanding to their original size. Actually, all the bins are opened, each and every one of them. Filling all areas of the space that was for one moment organized. This is when it happens. Barbara arrives.

Barbara, a.k.a. Mother, is made of a different cloth than Andy; a more pressed and tidy cloth. Anything in Andy’s life that has ever warranted a complaint from our hero is due, if you ask Mother, to the fact that he kept an untidy room as a child. A movie project goes sour—he should have picked up his toys when he was five; stubs his toe—he should have made his bed as a teen; falls down and breaks his arm, well, he should have cleaned the stairwell, otherwise he wouldn’t have tripped over all that stuff and fallen down and broken his arm. Arriving at the moment that he has unfolded his entire life into two rooms only compounds her belief. She has offered to help, but he knows that his life would only be less, complete, if she were to come to his aid. In fact it would just be less. Stories of Star Wars toys found in the garbage due to the lack of placement in his room only bring fears of what prop, puppet or movie memoriabilia would go missing if Mother were to “help.” She means well. She always means well.

Well Barbara, I am happy to inform you that all your hard work may have paid off. Andy has taken a liking to a clean home. It is the theme of this blog in fact. No, really, the actual WordPress Theme, Clean Home. He had no idea. He just liked it. For some reason completely foreign to him. And the good news is, things have to go where they belong, otherwise he can’t show them to the world. And that would make him very unhappy. So in fact, it makes him happy to be so organized. And that should make you proud.


May 6 2009

Yes, I had a Gold Star

highscoolid

Here is my high school ID from Newburgh Free Academy. I got a gold star on it which meant I was such a good kid I could roam the halls without a pass and not be questioned. I don’t remember what the little red dot was for. Damn!


May 5 2009

Confident Tie Wearing Andy, Meet Charming Hawaiian Shirt Wearing Andy

Posted by AndyFan: Sources close to AndyPagana.com have passed along a photo from about a decade ago. Andrew, on his return to alma mater Newburgh Free Academy, posed next to a confident and suave self portrait from his high school days. Long past was the conservative dress of his younger years, opting at the time of the photo for a more laid back, but charming, island look. Funny though, the hair is nearly identical. Yes, those are actually pineapples on his shirt. Little known fact, you can actually mail a pineapple through the US Postal Service. Or was it a coconut? It’s one of them. You don’t have to wrap it up, you can just stick a tag on it and let it go. Well, you have to bring it to the post office or at least hand it to a postal carrier, neither one moves without assistance. So if you know anyone from Hawaii, have them send you a coconut (or pineapple) and watch the look on your mailpersons face when it arrives. You might be thinking, “what does this have to do with Andy?” Well, good question Andy fan(s). Andrew is the source of this knowledge. Andrew is the source of many a tidbit. Bitty tids, how lovely. Actually, if you look closely a bitty tid is hanging from his nose.

Confident Andy, Meet Charming Andy


May 3 2009

The Spirit of Andy Compels Me…

RATED R Posted by AndyFan: I am going out on a limb here because I have never seen Andy drink Dr Pepper, so he may take this as nothing to do with him. But in fact, this post has everything to do with him. In fact, you can swap out anything in place of the Dr. Pepper and you have the essence of what makes Andy tick. At least Angry Andy. And sometimes Angry Andy is the most fun Andy. So long as he is not Angry at you. Or me. Let’s face it, I really don’t care if he is Angry at you, you most likely deserved it. So, in what is sure to be an ongoing section here at AndyPagana.com, I will now describe my Friday night and how the Spirit of Andy Compelled Me.

I won’t get into my choice of Dr Pepper vs other fine cola drinks, that is most certainly more about me than Andy and will only warrant a low grade when he returns, but I do on many occasions enjoy the Doctor over say Coca-Cola. A cola is a cola is a cola. NO. Not true. Each has there own taste and each is different from the other. I will grant that there is so much sugar in all of them that after a few cans it starts to taste the same, much like wine or beer, but every soda pop starts out with their own particular punch.

So on Friday night as I partook in a fine can of Pepper, I noticed the tag line “Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors” The “23” was really large. At that moment Andy possessed my being and I uttered, too myself as no one was there to listen (nor would they if they were around), the following diatribe. The rant went something like this (add in had gestures and lots of extra cursing):

What the F$#K does Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors mean? Seriously, why are there 23 flavors advertised on the can? I want one flavor, DR FUCKING PEPPER flavor. I looked on the ingredient list and there was the normal roster of suspects: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup and/or sugar (who are they kidding, really, how bogus is that, it’s just the HFCS), caramel color (why not the caramel flavor too, why not a 24th flavor, why stop at 23?), phosphoric acid, artificial and natural flavors (WTF!!), sodium benzoate (preservative), and (last but certainly not least) caffeine. Ok, so we start out with water, no flavor at all. So why is it in there? Is the list of ingredients a part of the 23 authentic flavor combination? Who do I ask this question too? It’s very misleading. I am not sure if I should start counting the ingredients as flavors or if they provided no flavor at all. The sugar bullshit is just beyond insulting. They haven’t used sugar in that drink since 1950 I am sure. And how can you have it say high fructose corn syrup OR sugar? They don’t taste the same. I have eaten sugar, it’s not the same as corn syrup, let alone high fructose corn syrup. How can it be authentic if it is one or the other? Which one is authentic, high fructose corn syrup or sugar? I would assume sugar, since I don’t think that high fructose corn syrup was used in 1885 when Dr. Pepper T Pepperton invented the drink. And if that is the case, how the hell can it be authentic if it contains high fructose corn syrup? Or should I be reasoning that the ingredients provide no flavor at all and I have to figure out what the “authentic” flavors are? The caramel color is apparently just color, or they would say caramel. But since they use high fructose corn isn’t that really caramel now anyway? Corn syrup is a major ingredient in caramel, so if you have the color, and a good part of the flavor (HFCS), then don’t you now have caramel in the drink? Or have they figured out a way to keep the two separate in the can? Is that part of how they come up with 23 authentic flavors. Maybe each flavor is floating around separately in the can. Which is kind of gross. I don’t want anything floating around in the can. What the fuck is that about? After the color comes the acid. So I am either getting high or burning a hole in my stomach. I think it is the latter, but a Dr. did invent this stuff, so maybe I am getting high. I will skip the artificial and natural flavors for a moment and move on to the sodium benzoate. I have a hard time believing “sodium benzoate” was authentic in 1885. It doesn’t even sound authentic now. Lets just call it salt. Why is everything so complicated? It’s salt people! OK, moving on. If the acid didn’t get you high, the caffeine will help jump start it back into high gear (how many of these things did I drink?). Again, how exactly did they add caffeine in 1885. I am beginning to think this whole concoction is anything but authentic. Returning to the “artificial and natural flavors,” what kind of bull kocka is that? So every other ingredient is listed to its fullest and then we get to the flavors and it becomes vague? And what other kind of flavors could it be? Can’t it only be artificial or natural? Why not just say flavors? And can artificial flavors be authentic? I don’t think they can. They are fucking artificial. Since they are differentiating between artificial and natural, shouldn’t they say 12 artificial flavors and 11 natural flavors? But this brings me back to my original point, isn’t the flavor Dr Pepper flavor? Say artificial and natural ingredients? WTF?

So, this was my Friday night. What, you expected more on a Friday night? I have gotten yelled at enough this week by Andy, I don’t need any more of that? He is already taking a liking to this blogdom and is asking me to do more for him, so I don’t have time to go out on the town. That is for Andy. Who, by the way, was only gone for the weekend. Somebody misled me again. First I am told he is going away for three days over Easter and turns out he was gone for four. This time I was told he was going away until Tuesday and apparently he is wondering what I am doing. Gawd, can’t a guy catch a break? Someone give me a Dr Pepper.


May 2 2009

Blue Moon of Kentucky, Keep On Shining…

Posted by AndyFan: The title of this post just came to me one morning, early, very early, after Andy called to complain. Not about me, he does that here. Well, he does that to me directly too, especially if I don’t answer my cell phone. He has this weird rule about my having a cell phone, if he calls I should always answer. “Why do you have a cell phone, you never answer it?” is a phrase uttered several times a day. Obviously it is so I can be berated, duh. Regardless, I got off the phone and started to sing this verse, these are the only words that I know.

If you have ever had the fortune (of living) to tell about driving with Andy, you may have at one point or another heard him sing these very words. Let’s just call him a loose driver, sometimes too loose. This song keeps him in line. I never really knew what the reference was but I have often thought about Andy and uttered these words to myself, in complete solitude mind you (this may be bordering on obsession, but I will leave that to the professional help). It turns out it is the official song of Idaho, I mean Kentucky. According to Wikipedia, “‘Blue Moon of Kentucky’ is a waltz written in 1946 by bluegrass musician Bill Monroe and recorded by his band, The Blue Grass Boys. The song has since been recorded by Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline,[1] Ronnie Hawkins, Rory Gallagher, LeAnn Rimes, Paul McCartney, Boxcar Willie, Ray Charles, Jerry Reed and others.” They left off Andy Pagana on the list, but I have to assume it is because he may only know the one line, I have never heard him sing more that that. But by this point we are swerving around another “bad” driver that Andy is yelling at to get off the road. Andy does that quite a bit. I still get the pleasure thanks to his bluetooth.

It is funny that one phrase can remind you so much of a person. Especially when you have no idea what the phrase is, have never heard another human being sing it (or animal if you are asking) and only associate it to a certain moment. I will find myself singing it as I work on this blog and think about the Andy from July 16th, 1993, or the Andy from late 2006. He hasn’t posted any photos of that Andy yet, but let me tell you, they are something. All pictures of Andy are something.


May 1 2009

Ay, Ay, Cap’N!

Posted by AndyFan: I guess that makes me First Mate. You are the owner of the armada, so you call the shots. But you can’t be Captain of all your ships. And it still holds true, no one will ever take care of your fleet like I do, Oh Captain, My Captain. Bon Voyagy!


May 1 2009

No, Andyfan, I am the Captain!!

And here is a picture to prove it. (Plus, when was the last time anyone called YOU Captain?) And no, I have not yet left. AND I am keeping my eye on you. 

captainandy


May 1 2009

Mutiny About

Posted by AndyFan: Andy may own the ship, but I am the captain here people. Word has it, straight from the horses mouth actually, that there are little birdies whispering words of mutiny into Andy’s ear. I don’t know who you are birdies, but watch your bird seed. To fire me is to end this all. Sure, Andy could find another to replace me, but no one will ever adore him like I do (nor answer his 3AM calls). There is a pacing here people. He feels ignored but it is quite the opposite, I have done nothing but think of him the whole time I have been silent. It is for his own good. He grows bored with the same thing over and over and over. Even praise. Well, he doesn’t get bored with it, he just gets bored by the same praise, so it makes it harder to praise him from day to day when he demands more and better praise each morning (and make no mistake, he accepts praise in the afternoon, evening and at night as well). By stepping aside, it energizes him, excites him, gives him a feeling of power, whether he knows it or not. I am working the old Hollywood magic on him. Not this newfangled, adopt a baby every six months, be on the cover of US Weekly weekly kind of exposure. That wears off. People get bored. Soon enough you’re adopting two babies a year and giving birth to octuplets through a surrogate, just to get some attention. And you have so many children that you need to go on food stamps. I am saving Andy work here people, so you need to work with me. Let him know that AndyFan loves him, let him know that you love him for the auteur that he is, not just because he is a blast to have around, otherwise this would just be a big ego trip for him. And Andy is above that. He doesn’t want eight babies stealing his thunder, but he is still above all that. Just ask Andy at me@andypagana.com. Give him time to respond, he gets tons of Andymail.

At least that is the story I am going with today. Since Andy is out of town for a few days I have plenty of time to wow him with the posts to come. Hopefully he will not refute any of this, but if he does, it’s more mileage for me. You did leave already, right?