Apr 30 2009

Vintage Andy – July 16th 1993

I was still 17. I drove to a secluded little house in upstate NY where I was invited to watch the shooting of Robert Redford’s movie ‘Quiz Show’. I sat about 4 feet away from him and watched him direct. I drew him in my journal. (Thank goodness he didn’t look) The shoot was about as organized as one of my high school movie productions. (As most of you were not  part of one of them, I will leave you wondering if that was organized or not). Redford was a very nice guy. I made him laugh. Michael Ballhaus, the DP, even let me offer him suggestions. He didn’t take them. Rob Morrow, one of the friendliest celebrities I ever happened across, talked my ear off about a book he was publishing of photos from the set of Northern Exposure. Ralph Fiennes, yet to be known from Schindler’s List was also a great guy. A peaceful, fun shoot. For two days I got to go and watch. I even convinced Redford’s masseuse to give me a rub. (I was quite charming in those days) I had to take off my brown fedora because I was drawing too much attention so I wore the hat Redford wore in ‘The Natural’. He appreciated that.

Oh yeah… look how skinny I was.


Apr 29 2009

A Photo of me with Good Friends

I have no real time to tell you guys about my day, but since Andyfan must be dead somewhere I will have to pick up his slack. (S.O.B.!!) Yet, I have no time for you. (Maybe YOU should be picking up Andyfans slack!! ) And even though I don’t have any time for you I feel obligated to give you something. So I pick the easiest thing I can… For your amusement. Here is a picture of me from January 2009. I’m sorry I could only find one with some friends in it. At least, they are good friends. (Notice Andyfan is not in the photo.) Enjoy. I hope this gives you enough to go until next time. Maybe I should tell you my thoughts about how hard it is to find 5 minutes to write for you while I’m battling all kinds of things, including broken computers. (Lousy “technology”. Go back to the stone ages where you belong) Also, I find the things I really want to say I can’t as… well, I am highly opinionated and people do not like hearing the truth.

But I refuse to rant.


Apr 28 2009

A BIG OL’ “F” to Andyfan

For not picking up the slack from my absence. Shame on you.

Apr 25 2009

B+, Not Perfect, But Not Too Shabby

Posted by AndyFan: I am not typicaly satisfied with a B+, but lately the stress of trying to make Andy proud of the accomplishments we have been making has been, well, overwhelming. I mean seriously, in just a few short weeks we have spread Andy around the world. Andy loves to travel, but unless you have a five star hotel, a jacuzzi, and a masseuse he really doesn’t have any reason to leave the confines of the United States Highway system and the fine eating establishments between New York and California. He makes these trips to survey his territory. He has marked it all as his territory. I have seen him. This is the land that he will rule one day, one day very soon. Until then he is satisfied with being King of Andyland. Andyland being the area immediately around Andy at any given moment of the day. Don’t look at it as his own “personal space,” think of it more like the da Vinci illustration of the perfect proportions of man, see below. Place Andy in there, add an extra outer ring of about two or three feet and you have the approximate area that Andy needs to breathe. Yes breathe.  For maximum comfort, add another ring with an extra five feet in diameter and you have space for his coffee or tea, depending on his mood. Oh, and a donut when he gets the urge. Place a television (been around longer than 50 years, he is quite satisfied with that invention) just outside the farthest ring, throw into the inner most ring whatever remotes need to be used, and you have what is known as Andyland. That and the several dozen locations across America that Andy has pieces of his empire stored away. Technically he is squatting and will claim said locations as King and add it to Andyland when the time is right. Think of it like his own little Puerto Ricans, I mean Ricos. And while he is King and will make the trip outside America, but not without good reason, I can safely say you may never see Andy in France. Sorry France, it’s really not you. I swear. It’s this weird WWII surrender thing that he takes offense at. I have tried to explain it to him over and over again, but he just will not listen. You could talk to him about it but you speak French and he thinks that is part of the problem. You most likely speak American, I mean English, too, but with a French accent. That again is a problem. And your movies, they are too, French. He does love The Pink Panther, but I am not sure that is a compliment. You almost had him with French Fries, but then we found out that they are actually Belgian, so you kinda lost out there. Twice actually. Once for not inventing the French Fry, twice for finding a way to falsely name them after your country. Normally he would think this pretty ingenious, but you are French, so he won’t give you the satisfaction. Maybe it is your fault, maybe it is your fault, but since we are now worldwide, you have the opportunity to make a case for Andy to love you like he loves everyone else who loves him. Comment, respond, send him emails, tell him what you are missing for not having the pleasure of Andy in your life. He likes that. He likes any kind of attention. And that is why, though not happy with a B+, we are getting worldwide attention (that is why they call it the worldwide web afterall), and that makes me happy. That may have just cost me an A, but it was worth it. Damn, A- if I am lucky.

Oh, there is one thing that Andy does love that is French. The word masseuse. He loves that word. Unfortunately most often when he visits one they are Chinese, and the Chinese love Andy.


Apr 24 2009

What a day for a post

Okay… I had every intention of writing a nice little post this morning, until I read Andyfan’s first post about the owl that is following him. Don’t be so sure it’s plastic Andyfan… they’re damn tricky. Anyway, this threw my entire day off. Damn! I need to respond to this. They’re out to get me I’m sure. And now they’re looking at places I will try to hide from them in the future. They’re already there. So, I was shaken by this news and thought of how to deal with it. Maybe if I ignore the owl it will go away. So I left my computer on assignment to take some photographs for a job I am doing. (Yes, I do work). And as I was photogging the objects of my attention, a chill ran up my spine and VIOLA!

amandasowl1 This was directly behind me, on a table, staring right at my back. Eyeing me. Watching me. Warning me. Of what, I do not know.

It through me into a whirl. I got light headed. Dizzy. Anxious. I left the dwelling and headed out onto the highway where I was scattered and nervous. Feelings ran through me I cannot describe. And as I pulled off the exit I stopped at a light and looked over and saw this sign… and by sign I mean sign as in Omen. It just happens to be that the sign is, itself, two signs…oneway

What the??? Look at this. Can you see what I’m seeing? There is only one way for me to go… the WRONG WAY!!! Now, before you think I’m reading too much into this, I need you to… well… Okay… I can’t continue here because you’re just not ready for what I have to say here. But God has spoken to me in signs before, VERY RARELY, but it has happened. IS this a sign from him, to me, about my life? I can’t say. And it’s not because I don’t know, it’s because, well, I already said why. You’re not ready. Trust me. You’re not. I’ll get into it one day, Im sure. If I make it to one day. We’ll see. 

Needless to say, I was fascinated by this sign of signs. It reminded me of a similar sign I got last weekend, that I haven’t shared as I do not yet have the photo in my possession. When I get it, I will share it. But it changed me. Really changed me. There is something happening in the secret and hidden worlds around me that I cannot explain. When I returned to my place of business I received what appears to be good news and went out with my coworkers to celebrate at Bob’s Big Boy. And look…


I posed for one of my belly pictures at the suggestion of a loyal reader of this blog. Good job fan! Good job! This was a turning point in the day as I bared my barrel for the world. (You’re welcome.) Which reminds me.. there will be more belly photos coming soon, both classic and new.

I spend the rest of the day reeling from the events. So finally I read Andyfan’s newest post, which, although I appreciate his sentiments, spent too little time talking about me. It’s good to know I am all over his computer, but I do not need to know if he has a great Auntie Rosie. That’s too much information going the wrong way. Yet the message is as true as can be. I too am tired of being questioned about Andy Pagano. Andy whaaa??? That’s not even a real name or product. Learn to spell, google!! And come to think of it, I hate when I am asked a question and there is no place to answer. Just a bunch of bull…! I think all rhetorical questions should be abolished, don’t you.?!! And yes, I do like things simple, which so far this interweb thing has not been. (I’m not sure what gmail is but I am certain that I am cool for NOT playing it.) I give Andyfan a B+ for the two-post effort but have to take points away for mention the unmentionable. – “Minority Report”. It makes me shutter as much as Owls. 

Now, I have lost my train of though so I end transmission.

Apr 24 2009

A Suggestion For Google

Posted by AndyFan: I have contacted Google about the following and ask that you all do the same. I don’t believe it to be an impossible tweak to their system, I think Larry and Sergey can handle it. In fact I know they can. And it is not that complicated, it can be right below the existing code.

What I am talking about is an option for “NO, I DID NOT MEAN (fill in the blank)!”

In this case I am referring to that damned Andy Pagano. It’s Andy Pagano that is screwing up the works. Well, I can’t say screwing them up, we rank in Google just fine, but why do I need to see his name when I do a search to validate all the work that Andy and I have been doing to spread the good Andy word. No, not the good word of Andy Pagano. I don’t even know who he is, I refuse to look, because, NO, I DIDN’T MEAN ANDY PAGANO!

Seriously, I think this is possible. Here is why. I use gmail for one of my email accounts. Unlike Andy, who is exhaustively testing it as a new technology (expect truly reliable results around 2045), I am embarrassed to say that it took me a few years to get on board with this. Ok, call me carpetbagger, but I now use it. I remember when you had to be invited by a gmail user friend in order to get an account. How exclusive was that? (No, I was not exclusive, obviously.) But I still watched the hoorah and honor of being on gmail. It almost seemed special just to get an email from a gmail user, even if they weren’t my friend and didn’t invite me to join. Basically I remember when gmail was cooler than cool. Like the iPhone. I remember when that was cooler than cool as well. And right after my Great Auntie Rosie gets hers, and programs in the three numbers she has, and has me download bingo on it for her, then, maybe, I will get mine.

But I am on Gmail, which is why I think it will not be any trouble at all for Larry and Sergey to get this idea working. For non-gmail users here is the logic. If you use gmail through a browser, as I sometimes do when I am off in New York being hunted by owls, you have a decently user-friendly interface for retrieving and sending emails. But, as many of my fellow gmail friends barely notice (no, most of them weren’t cool when it was cool to be cool), it’s what happens in the interface that is amazing. It reads your mind.

Ok, it doesn’t read your mind, but it does read your email. I am sorry, gmail. I will give you an example. For the sake of protecting identities I will change my friend George’s name to “Henry” and will not use his real address. “Henry” sent me an email this morning. “Henry” lives in Maine, I mean Mississippi. Being the out and about kind of guy that I am (otherwise I wouldn’t have had a four day absence from Andypagana.com this week) I was using the browser throughout the day. Tonight, I opened my computer and still had the browser and email from “Henry” open. On the right hand side was a short list of “Sponsored Links” that listed not only the google maps link for 3200 Pleasant Street, Port Gibson, Mississipi for where “Henry” lives and is what he has written in his signature, but also six links for the greater Port Gibson area, including book shops, a B&B and a photographer. Ok, there were two anomalies, I am trying to figure out why it listed ads, I mean “Sponsored Links,” for brake shops in Florida and North Carolina, but at least they were all below the Mason Dixon Line. (Does George live below the Mason Dixon Line?) I think it has to do with the words disk and pad in my reply to “Henry” (people, “Henry” is George and he lives in Maine, please keep up).

So, if you are paying attention to this post, Google reads your gmail. And then posts links for you based on what is in your gmail. Yes, Andy and I do fear we are headed towards a Minority Report world. And while the technology is scary, we really hope Tom Cruise doesn’t pop up in our house and think that we are going to do anything bad (most likely we already did it). Actually, we hope Tom Cruise doesn’t pop up anywhere, but that is another post for another time. Google reads your gmail and sends you personal ads catered to your content. Yes, they read them all. ALL I SAID. They have the right, you agreed to this when you clicked accept after not reading the Terms when you signed up for Gmail. I would tell you what paragraph it is in, but I too did not read the terms.

That said, if they can read your email, why can’t they read you computer files. I have no reference to Andy Pagano on my computer anywhere, because I don’t know the schmuck. Google would know that I absolutely did not mean Andy Pagano since I typed in Andy Pagana and have many, many, many references to him on my computer. There should be an option to click, “NO, I DID NOT MEAN ANDY PAGANO, NEVER WILL” on the search result page. In fact, I think it should be first. Let’s do away with some of the formalities. While they are at it, they should just make it that “ANDY PAGANA” shows up for any Andy search, why should Pagano get all the attention? What has he done? As far as I am concerned there is only one Andy (as Google would notice if they scanned my computer) and his name is Andy Pagana, so there should only be one listing on Google for Andy, and that should be Andypagana.com

Now, by the freak chance that there are other Andys out there (don’t ever mention that I said this to Andy) then Google could just add their standard option “DID YOU MEAN ANDY PAGANA?” for ALL Andy searches. And since you are in there already tweaking around the Google database, why not just make this a default setting for all searches. If someone Googles “unicorns,” the search result would start out with “DID YOU MEAN ANDY PAGANA?” Because you never know who is looking for Andy Pagana and we want the whole world to find him. Easily. Andy likes it easy. It’s just his style.

Apr 23 2009

In My Other Life

Posted by AndyFan: Yes, I have another life. I won’t talk about it here, because, well, this is Andy’s life and what’s that got to do with my other life? I will just say that I have been consumed with all sorts of who knows what in this other life. Basically things that keep me away form Andy, which makes Andy sad. And when he gets sad, Serious Andy sends out Angry Andy and the two of them conspire to confuse me and my other life. In the end I feel bad because I have been ignoring Andy, and ignoring Andy is always bad. I repeat, ignoring Andy is very, very bad.

I often wonder if this is like a comic book, and I am Andy’s sidekick. So, while I know his private Bruce Wayne to your public Andy Pagana, I don’t know who the hell I am in this other life, because who remembers Robin’s name when he isn’t Robin. Is it Dick something? Really, who came up that name. They don’t have enough working against them with the whole tights thing that they couldn’t go with a more manly name. My apologies to all Richards out there, but don’t shorten it and expect to not get a chuckle. But then I remember that Andy is more Superman than Batman. So I can’t even be old Alfred, waiting on him hand and foot. Superman doesn’t have an accomplice, I mean assistant. Though I do believe that Andy would let me be his Alfred and forgo the rules of Superman if I waited on him hand and foot.

I have so far not been able to not talk about my other life in this post about my other life and how I shouldn’t talk about it here. But there is good Andy reason for this. I found kryptonite. Yesterday I was in my local Hall of Books and was looking through a free donation bin. A little girl walked up and handed me a book, about OWLS!! I am not quite sure what to do. At first I thought Andy was just being paranoid, we’ll cover Paranoid Andy later, this is already longer than it needs to be. But then I thought, if I open the book, it may be like Pandora’s Bo(x)ok and the owls would then be after me. So I ditched the book under the back seat of my car and forgot about it. I didn’t even tell Andy.

So in my other life, the one I shouldn’t talk about here, I went on a business trip today and traveled to New York City. I was getting ready to leave when I looked out and was stunned. Amidst all the AC vents and odd workings of the buildings was an owl. An effing OWL! It was the same color as the rusty vents, hiding there watching me as I went about my morning. It wasn’t real, and I didn’t have a camera to prove this sighting, but I swear this happened. The owl was real, just not alive. In case that wasn’t clear. It was a warning, to who I don’t know. There was a squirrel ten feet away and a pigeon on the owl’s head. I don’t know what else the owl would scare away, except Andy, who I oddly have not heard from at all today. Please tell me someone has spoken to Andy today.

Apr 22 2009

My mind is blank

At least with things that I can post without pissing off a lot of people I probably shouldn’t. So… I will take a deep breath and let it go…

Apr 21 2009

They’re still out to get me


Yesterday I walked into the studio in which I spend my days and I see AN OWL embedded into the cover of a leather bound journal on one of my business partner’s desk. I freaked. OWL! He tried to explain to me his wife gave it to him for good luck. “GOOD LUCK”??? Are you effing kidding me?? I tried to tell him about the perils of the owl and how they are hunting me, haunting me, taunting me, but to no avail. He looked at me as if I was a paranoid delusional and went bak to work. I feared the rest of the day. Today… it still stares at me. I can feel its eyes. Staring. From the other room. Peering through the walls. Learning my secrets. My weaknesses. It’s like that damn heart in that Edgar Allen Poe movie… what’s it called? The Raven?

Apr 18 2009

A New Post About Something

Posted by AndyFan: So, in typical fashion, I talk to Andrew tonight and get a request (read, demand) to put something new and entertaining up for our readers (read, you gotta post something!!), all two of them (come on people, we have to get this thing spreading or our work is simply for our own amusement. Oh, wait, I think that may just be fine. Go back to your business). The problem is that though sometimes it just spews (I didn’t think that was the correct spelling until I looked it up, gotta loves widgets!) from my pores, other times it takes a fine finessing to get Andy onto paper. Or screen. In words. On blog. In other words it’s hard to describe him. I am not Andy, so Andy doesn’t just come to me like it does him. For him it is natural, overflowing, topped to the brim with, well, that is what this blog is about. Getting to the core of what is overflowing from Andy Pagana. There is so much, so many layers. Like an oni…, no I won’t use that one, bad cliché. We hate bad clichés. But what do we share, what do we say. Andy can tell you about his day, or an event, or a moment, something that lets you in on the private workings of a mad genius (I know he gets mad, and he says he is a genius, and I believe everything that Andy says. I wouldn’t be AndyFan if I didn’t. It doesn’t take much more than that people). I have the honor of telling you about the man, or more importantly the myth, since the myth is always more entertaining. Like, what do we call the path that he leaves behind him everywhere he travels? And he has traveled. No seriously, he just went to the Hoover Dam. Why, I am not sure. I mean, it’s a dam. It holds back water. It sounds like something he would ignore in history class, if he hadn’t found a way to get out of history class to go paint on canvases stretched by other people (you know who you are other people). Speaking of other people, I take back what I said earlier, go find other people to tell them about this blog. This is serious business (you gotta read that one if you missed it). Andy is off doing things (read, eating dinner and ignoring paparazzi) that need to be covered by the likes of TMZ. Has anyone seen that show? I mean come on other people. Ok, this post not included, but we are so much more entertaining than that drivel (that took a few trys to get right). Have we seriously gotten to the level that we watch a bunch of bitter Hollywood, never-had-a-chance, rejects sit around dishing gossip about Hollywood, what-have-they-really-done-for-it, success stories. Most of the time it wouldn’t even be entertaining if an animated baby told the story. You know the ones, like that E-Trade commercial. Where the kid is at the computer telling the lay people how to trade like the pros and then throws up. I hate those things. But people really think it’s amazing how they do that. You know what’s amazing, Andy. That is why he has a blog. And Andy has a problem with babys stealing his thunder, so leave them off of TV. A cute baby is like Paris Hilton being rich. Neither one did anything for it, why put them on TV just because they are? They didn’t earn it. Let them grow up and come up with their own ideas. Both of them.