B+, Not Perfect, But Not Too Shabby

Posted by AndyFan: I am not typicaly satisfied with a B+, but lately the stress of trying to make Andy proud of the accomplishments we have been making has been, well, overwhelming. I mean seriously, in just a few short weeks we have spread Andy around the world. Andy loves to travel, but unless you have a five star hotel, a jacuzzi, and a masseuse he really doesn’t have any reason to leave the confines of the United States Highway system and the fine eating establishments between New York and California. He makes these trips to survey his territory. He has marked it all as his territory. I have seen him. This is the land that he will rule one day, one day very soon. Until then he is satisfied with being King of Andyland. Andyland being the area immediately around Andy at any given moment of the day. Don’t look at it as his own “personal space,” think of it more like the da Vinci illustration of the perfect proportions of man, see below. Place Andy in there, add an extra outer ring of about two or three feet and you have the approximate area that Andy needs to breathe. Yes breathe.  For maximum comfort, add another ring with an extra five feet in diameter and you have space for his coffee or tea, depending on his mood. Oh, and a donut when he gets the urge. Place a television (been around longer than 50 years, he is quite satisfied with that invention) just outside the farthest ring, throw into the inner most ring whatever remotes need to be used, and you have what is known as Andyland. That and the several dozen locations across America that Andy has pieces of his empire stored away. Technically he is squatting and will claim said locations as King and add it to Andyland when the time is right. Think of it like his own little Puerto Ricans, I mean Ricos. And while he is King and will make the trip outside America, but not without good reason, I can safely say you may never see Andy in France. Sorry France, it’s really not you. I swear. It’s this weird WWII surrender thing that he takes offense at. I have tried to explain it to him over and over again, but he just will not listen. You could talk to him about it but you speak French and he thinks that is part of the problem. You most likely speak American, I mean English, too, but with a French accent. That again is a problem. And your movies, they are too, French. He does love The Pink Panther, but I am not sure that is a compliment. You almost had him with French Fries, but then we found out that they are actually Belgian, so you kinda lost out there. Twice actually. Once for not inventing the French Fry, twice for finding a way to falsely name them after your country. Normally he would think this pretty ingenious, but you are French, so he won’t give you the satisfaction. Maybe it is your fault, maybe it is your fault, but since we are now worldwide, you have the opportunity to make a case for Andy to love you like he loves everyone else who loves him. Comment, respond, send him emails, tell him what you are missing for not having the pleasure of Andy in your life. He likes that. He likes any kind of attention. And that is why, though not happy with a B+, we are getting worldwide attention (that is why they call it the worldwide web afterall), and that makes me happy. That may have just cost me an A, but it was worth it. Damn, A- if I am lucky.

Oh, there is one thing that Andy does love that is French. The word masseuse. He loves that word. Unfortunately most often when he visits one they are Chinese, and the Chinese love Andy.


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