Dec 22 2010

But We Just Met?

Posted by AndyFan: Jordan it’s not you, really, it’s Andy. Apparently you have known him long enough to know this, but don’t believe half of what he says or any of what he does. I think that is right. If not, trust no one. Sorry, we could have been such good friends.

Dec 22 2010

Somewhere in Wisconsin

Posted by AndyFan: Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s early people of Wisconsin. Get it together. Line the streets. Make some signs. Don’t lose out like Kansas. Toto will bite you in the ass come Christmas. Let Andy know you love him. He won’t be in town long. Once he deals with his cattle, he is outta there. Off to Detroit. One last attempt to rectify the mistake that Ford will forever regret.

Dec 22 2010

You’re Fired

Posted by AndyFan: Apparently Andy is having other henchmen do his dirty work these days. What started out as a pre-breakfast outing turned into a post dinner express ride clear across the country. Sorry Arizona, I would have warned you if I had the time. Not being one to repeat the same ride twice, Andy has decided to do a little sight seeing on this adventure, details to follow. And to top it off he has a driver. No, Andy is still the Captain, but this holiday season he is riding in style, First Mate Jordan at the wheel and Celebrity Guest and sometime one of Two Guys, sometime half of the world’s greatest comedy duo, Schwartzy in the rear cabin. And while you would think that being able to keep his hands off the wheel for 15 seconds would give him the opportunity to wish AndyFan a Happy Kwanza, no, you would think wrong again. Not even taking the calls of his #1 Fan, Andy has passed on the duties of tormenting to Schwartzy, who makes Andy on his worst day look like Gandhi. In typical fashion, the level of expectation  of go-to-it-ness was displayed when Schwartzy, in need of some personal assistance, reached out to AndyFan (it’s the cheeks). Having less time then it takes Andy to inhale a D&D 20 oz  to check my email for the expected file, Schwartzy called back to tell me he got it done himself and my services were no longer needed, and since I was on the phone, my position was terminated. Finally for Andy, my lack of paying attention is paying off and he still had a blog slave.

Jun 24 2009

Something Must Be Wrong With The Cattle

Posted By Andyfan: It is not that I haven’t talked to Andy, I have quite a bit actually. The problem that I am assuming is that there is something wrong with the cattle. Usually Andy will tell me all about the cattle when it directly relates to me, for which, as I have said, I am typically of no use to him. When the problem with the cattle is outside my very limited scope of herd knowledge, he will make a comment or two but there is little I can do so he just deals as best he can (not always that well, but he tries). You see the less there is wrong with the cattle the more I hear about it. Minor issues. This heifer doesn’t listen when I prod it, that heifer doesn’t even flinch when I prod it, things like that. They are cattle. They don’t always do what he wants. When the cattle are sick I will hear it in his voice, but he won’t say anything, because the problem is bigger then he and I (even together we are not as big as a steer, though we have bigger balls). So, as I have been completely unaware of the state of the cattle, I have to assume that something is particularly wrong with the cattle, that the entire herd is not behaving as it should. Maybe that explains his lack of new stories. I have no excuse for mine.

May 19 2009

It is true – I have Cattle

Yes, Andyfan has outted me. I have cattle. I am very often late to places because of my cattle. (Especially in the morning. Cattle cause lots of problems in the morning.) I don’t talk much about this. My cattle are very special to me. I don’t want to share it with people. There are very few people who even know. (Thanks a lot Andyan!) But now that the cow is out of the bag… I will admit it. It is true. I will spare the details. Only that one of the cows has a spot on it that looks like my favorite hat. I call him ‘Hatsy’. He’s a bit smaller than the others. The story behind the cattle is pretty funny. It has ALMOST nothing to do with all the time I spent in Texas (but it sure helped my stature there) yet it is connected to my high school Nickname ‘Admiral Udder” (which I am still known as in a few circles) but not in the way you think. 

As I am very busy, I do not get to see them as much as I would like. So other people have to watch them for me. I like when other people do things for me. I am told that my lack of webernet access at night and on weekends cause problems with my cattle. I do not understand this. 1) Cows don’t work the interweb. They do not have thumbs. And mine especially would be trained to NOT work on the interweb because it just causes stress and eyes to twitch. Did you ever see a cow’s eye twitch? It’s not pretty. And 2) well, damn, I forgot what 2 was. Probably from the stress of being on the interweb.

Now, I may have said this already, (it doesn’t mean enough for me to go back a paragraph and check) I do not talk about my cattle to most people. When people ask me I usually tell them it’s a rumor. I’m not sure what I will say now that I have admitted it. Maybe I will say I was joking. I’m not sure. But I ask you, if you are reading this, please let it go. Please do not ask. It takes away from the pleasure I get from raising them. 

Andy Yes, Andyfan. I do have pigs. I have lots of animals you don’t know about.

May 19 2009

Should I Be Scared?

Posted By AndyFan: I was begining to become worried. I, due to circumstances out of my control and of no relevance here, have been unable as of late to provide insight into the world of Andy. Obviously I did not see this interruption coming or I would have prepared several enjoyable stories of Andy doing this or Andy doing that. Stories that would have held you over until I returned with, well, more stories. Andy is full of stories. Or I am full of storeis about Andy, who is usually not full at all, but that is another story, or part of many stories, it is yet to be determined. My point right now is that I was not able to make good on my duties and was growing lax over the past week or so as I was consumed by “other” things. I usually don’t grow so lax so easily and was very confused at my own state. (Michigan?) Suddenly I began to realize why I felt the freedom to grow so lenient (ahh, gas), Andy was not looking over my shoulder at all. In fact, he didn’t even say a word to me last week when he left a message exclaiming something about his cattle. He calls about his cattle all the time, but it is the same problem time and again, and I don’t know anything about cattle. So I am of no use, which he tells me, time and again. So after several messages about his cattle but nothing about my absence, I began to get worried. Maybe Andy was sick. He has bovines, maybe he has swines he has never told me about. He also travels a lot, had he taken his pig (if he in fact has one) to Mexico (not sure which state that is in, but it sounds terrible) for a siesta? You would think this would be the moment that AndyFan calls Andy, but no, circumstances were still prevailing (Andy calls them priorities and thinks that mine are not in line with his) I waited until he called me about his cattle again. When I didn’t pick up his call (because now I was scared) he left me a message, this time not about the cattle. In fact it was very too the point. One my cell phone message he informed me to listen to my other message at home. In fact, he said listen to it twice, once for not picking up at home (due to circumstances) and once for not picking up the cell phone (due to fear of circumstances). When I finally retrieved said message I was relieved. He was mad. Which is good. Well, not for me, at least not this time. When he is mad at others I pull up a chair and watch, because let’s face it, Angry Andy is very funny when he is angry at others. Others can be so frustrating and it is funny to see them get theirs. But this time I was getting mine. Which is not funny, except if I have done my job. Which as of late I have not been doing.