May 13 2009

‘America Runs on Dunkin’ my ass!

Lets say this. i like coffee. I have always liked coffee. I am not addicted, i do not drink it every day, I do not need it. It is a comfort however. I drank it as a kid because my grandfather drank it. Black. I drank it college years because I liked the boost. Gene and I would go to Dunkin Donuts and each get large coffees with cream and sugar. (At the gas stations we would get Irish creme in our gas station coffee. We both happened to love that). Living in Colorado I would go with my writing partner to Dunkin Donuts and we’d get coffee and talk about changing the world. My travels took me all over the tri state area and dunkin donuts was always there as my friend. Except in NYC. There were only a few in those days an they BLEW!! That’s right. It was like the kind on the highway – 87 northbound on the way to Monroe/Woodbury. They wouldn’t put the dam sugar in themselves. That changes the flavor. they had a formula. They know the right amount to put in when you say ‘Cream and Sugar’ or ‘light and sweet’. They put it in first, before the coffee, so you didn’t have to stir it. Plus, I liked things ready to go. I hate having to do more work. Give it to me ready to drink. I avoided those Dunkin donutssssss. Then I journeyed west. And where the hell is the damn Dunkin Donuts??? NO WHERE!!!!! Not in California anyway. I can’t even get on their electronic webplace and find the nearest one it is so far away. Yet their slogan is ‘America Runs On Dunkin” WTF?? Seriously. Is California not in America? I know they seem strange out here, and, trust me, I want to ignore these soulless people as much as the rest of the country but really, we HAVE to acknowledge that they are in this union of ours until we can figure out how to get them out. (Maybe give it back to the Russians) Andyway, I have complained about this over and over and over again to andyone that would listen. No one cared. Damn! I even tried to get the California government involved but they don’t feel it is an important slight. WTF?? Seriously. Maybe someone should sue Dunkin Donuts for false advertising. I finally found one Dunkin in California…  north of San Francisco. Bunch of BULL#$%@!!!! Anyway, I happened to be in Vegas several weeks back (See below for photos of the Hoover Damn) and lo and behold… I found one!! Actually TWO!!!! They had not been there last trip through town I assure you!!!! They are expanding to Nevada!!! AWESOME! So I documented the event…


Well, this past weekend I was craving my DandD. I hopped on the road and headed to Vegas, music blasting, sun shining. What a great trip. I found a third one and mixed another passion of mine, the belly picture…


May 1 2009

Mutiny About

Posted by AndyFan: Andy may own the ship, but I am the captain here people. Word has it, straight from the horses mouth actually, that there are little birdies whispering words of mutiny into Andy’s ear. I don’t know who you are birdies, but watch your bird seed. To fire me is to end this all. Sure, Andy could find another to replace me, but no one will ever adore him like I do (nor answer his 3AM calls). There is a pacing here people. He feels ignored but it is quite the opposite, I have done nothing but think of him the whole time I have been silent. It is for his own good. He grows bored with the same thing over and over and over. Even praise. Well, he doesn’t get bored with it, he just gets bored by the same praise, so it makes it harder to praise him from day to day when he demands more and better praise each morning (and make no mistake, he accepts praise in the afternoon, evening and at night as well). By stepping aside, it energizes him, excites him, gives him a feeling of power, whether he knows it or not. I am working the old Hollywood magic on him. Not this newfangled, adopt a baby every six months, be on the cover of US Weekly weekly kind of exposure. That wears off. People get bored. Soon enough you’re adopting two babies a year and giving birth to octuplets through a surrogate, just to get some attention. And you have so many children that you need to go on food stamps. I am saving Andy work here people, so you need to work with me. Let him know that AndyFan loves him, let him know that you love him for the auteur that he is, not just because he is a blast to have around, otherwise this would just be a big ego trip for him. And Andy is above that. He doesn’t want eight babies stealing his thunder, but he is still above all that. Just ask Andy at Give him time to respond, he gets tons of Andymail.

At least that is the story I am going with today. Since Andy is out of town for a few days I have plenty of time to wow him with the posts to come. Hopefully he will not refute any of this, but if he does, it’s more mileage for me. You did leave already, right?

Apr 25 2009

B+, Not Perfect, But Not Too Shabby

Posted by AndyFan: I am not typicaly satisfied with a B+, but lately the stress of trying to make Andy proud of the accomplishments we have been making has been, well, overwhelming. I mean seriously, in just a few short weeks we have spread Andy around the world. Andy loves to travel, but unless you have a five star hotel, a jacuzzi, and a masseuse he really doesn’t have any reason to leave the confines of the United States Highway system and the fine eating establishments between New York and California. He makes these trips to survey his territory. He has marked it all as his territory. I have seen him. This is the land that he will rule one day, one day very soon. Until then he is satisfied with being King of Andyland. Andyland being the area immediately around Andy at any given moment of the day. Don’t look at it as his own “personal space,” think of it more like the da Vinci illustration of the perfect proportions of man, see below. Place Andy in there, add an extra outer ring of about two or three feet and you have the approximate area that Andy needs to breathe. Yes breathe.  For maximum comfort, add another ring with an extra five feet in diameter and you have space for his coffee or tea, depending on his mood. Oh, and a donut when he gets the urge. Place a television (been around longer than 50 years, he is quite satisfied with that invention) just outside the farthest ring, throw into the inner most ring whatever remotes need to be used, and you have what is known as Andyland. That and the several dozen locations across America that Andy has pieces of his empire stored away. Technically he is squatting and will claim said locations as King and add it to Andyland when the time is right. Think of it like his own little Puerto Ricans, I mean Ricos. And while he is King and will make the trip outside America, but not without good reason, I can safely say you may never see Andy in France. Sorry France, it’s really not you. I swear. It’s this weird WWII surrender thing that he takes offense at. I have tried to explain it to him over and over again, but he just will not listen. You could talk to him about it but you speak French and he thinks that is part of the problem. You most likely speak American, I mean English, too, but with a French accent. That again is a problem. And your movies, they are too, French. He does love The Pink Panther, but I am not sure that is a compliment. You almost had him with French Fries, but then we found out that they are actually Belgian, so you kinda lost out there. Twice actually. Once for not inventing the French Fry, twice for finding a way to falsely name them after your country. Normally he would think this pretty ingenious, but you are French, so he won’t give you the satisfaction. Maybe it is your fault, maybe it is your fault, but since we are now worldwide, you have the opportunity to make a case for Andy to love you like he loves everyone else who loves him. Comment, respond, send him emails, tell him what you are missing for not having the pleasure of Andy in your life. He likes that. He likes any kind of attention. And that is why, though not happy with a B+, we are getting worldwide attention (that is why they call it the worldwide web afterall), and that makes me happy. That may have just cost me an A, but it was worth it. Damn, A- if I am lucky.

Oh, there is one thing that Andy does love that is French. The word masseuse. He loves that word. Unfortunately most often when he visits one they are Chinese, and the Chinese love Andy.


Apr 14 2009

Andy goes to the Boulder Dam


I would like to thank AndyFan for continuing to post while I was on my peregrination. He (or She), in their playful way, continues to enlighten me about myself in a great many ways, despite the poor spelling. (And despite the fact they they clearly do not keep a careful watch of my movements since they didn’t know accurately when I would be returning). I apologize for their ignorance, laziness and lack of research. They are trying. (Very trying).

Andywho, onto my journey. I traveled to glittering Las Vegas for a few days of… well… let’s just let that just stay in Vegas… and had a few days of peace, relaxation, and gambling at every Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade  slot machine I could find. (There are A LOT of them). $6,000 later (I won’t say if that’s poorer or richer) I traveled onward, but not before checking out the famous Boulder Damn (or the Hoover Dam for you vacuum cleaner hero worshippers), where I met one of my many fans. (See above) I not only afforded her the pleasure of a picture with me, but I combined my art of showing off my belly in that photo as well. (see photo, again.) (No, really, look again) For those of you that are unaware, (you are not TRUE fans) I often expose my Matthew Kelly (as the cockneys would say) in front of historical landmarks or events for the purpose of a photo. Call it… Art. (Why not?) There will be more in this series as I scour my archives for your pleasure. In the meantime, enjoy the first of this series from 2009.