Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Posted by AndyFan: Andy has many a times (Where did that phrase come from? Why is it “a times”? Why not just “many times”?). OK, many a times I have overheard (what is overheard? Didn’t you just hear it? Did someone say it again? Or did you hear it over a bucket?). Alright, many a times I have overheard Andy retelling a situation that seems to happen time and again (think we covered that already), especially in Hollywood. Most particularly with directors. Andy may not be Steven Spielberg, at least not yet (well, he is not going to become Steven Spielberg, that is just scientifically impossible, at least if you believe in science that is) but he knows a thing or two about directing. In fact he knows more than a thing or two about directing. His knowledge of directing can only be quantified with the following example. Take all of the useless facts that Andy has crammed inside that modestly sized noggin, factor in his skill for squeezing tens times more stuff into his car and home than should physically be possible (see why you shouldn’t believe in science, it’s not always right, just ask Andy), then put those both together with his passion for Dunkin Donuts coffee (and donuts) topped with his udder frustration for lazy coffeeless bearing waitresses in coffee shops, multiply it times like a quatrillion and you have Andy The Director—well versed in the history of the craft, willing to go above and beyond the call of duty, puts in his last drop of dedication and can not stand when those who are hired to work do not want to do their jobs. With that I give you the following scenario, compiled from many a years of overhearings.

Andy: (SCREAMING) Well John Ford did!

Apathetic Cast, Crew, or Producer: Well, you’re not John Ford.

Andy: I know I am not! I am Andy Pagana! If you wanted John Ford you should have called him! But you didn’t! You hired me! So sit down, shut up and do what I say! That is what you do! You do what the director says! I am the director! Do what I say!

Apathetic Cast, Crew, or Producer: Can we still get John Ford?

Andy: None of you are hot enough to ask that question!

Posted by AndyFan: Ancient Chinese wisdom states that “Men should worry about fame just as pigs about being fat.” I have no idea what this means or how to say it in Chinese, or even if it is a real Chinese proverb (I too do not trust this interweb thing) but I do know that the Chinese love Andy, and that he is worried about fame and being fat. No, really he is and they do. I mean, I don’t understand a lick of Chinese, but they seem to always have a smile on their face as they swarm around him trying to get a picture with our beloved hero. It’s like bees to honey, or is it bears to honey. Really, don’t bees just throw the honey up? Does this expression even make sense. And has anyone really seen a bear eat honey? The little plastic jars are cute and all, but do they actually like honey? I thought they ate fish and crazy white guys who think they can talk to bears. But I digest. The Chinese love Andy. I know this because I have seen it. It is a borderline obsession of theirs. And if this blog was not banned in China, they would have all the more Andy to love. Even if Google was really Google in China, they would end up confused and say “no, I no mean Andy Pagano,” as best they can in Engrish.  Andy personally supports several Chinese families with his donations to various institutions. More of a reason to love Andy, especially if you are Chinese. There is even a word in Chinese that I am told means hero which I have heard uddered at many a Chinese Andy sighting. In English it is pronounced dah•uhm. In Chinese it means hero of men, women and beasts; one to bow down to. Or so I am told. Like I said, I don’t speak Chinese. But I do enjoy seeing an egg roll.

Posted By AndyFan: The notion that I need to say any more about this title is beyond words. You people, all of you, should be well aware of what makes this make sense. But since the topic is at hand, and I placed it there, I figure there is no better time than now to discuss this quandary. If you have ever been in the situation where it is not enough to simply say that you put your foot in your mouth you know of what I am referring. It is as if the stars have aligned and well, nothing is going to go in your favor, so you might as well get comfy and keep on walking, one foot on top of the next. It is the moment when you not only ask the heavy set androgynous man when he is due, but compliment his ensemble to make him/her feel better, because if he were what you thought him to be, that would make her feel better. I mean him.

But wait, you are enjoying the site of the car wreck that you didn’t realize may be your very own life for the next few moments? You long for more? You need to know how you can avoid making someone you have never met but forty minutes prior cry at the deep and long-lost history of her and her former significant other, even though you know nothing of her, her former significant other, or her fiancé-to-tomorrow-maybe-maybe-not-now-be husband. You are confused by the great power it gives you to alter someones day so meaningfully, while not feeling quite as good about yourself as you did when you were trying to help that old lady on the street the other day. That is before you realized there are no old ladies in Hollywood, that poor girl will get no where in this town with out a lift or two, and you either have to get out more often or maybe just stay in for a change and watch a movie. Either way, daydreaming while at work and getting caught is never a good idea so I should stop writing this post before my feet are sore.

Posted By AndyFan: Apparent Lee, one of us is not paying attention to the other. This is not the first time that this has happened, but it is the first time that AndyFan will take the blame. Andy just does not listen to things not related to Andy. This is my fault for uddering nonsense. I thought he liked nonsense, but then I remembered that he only liked causing nonsense. Very different indeed.

This morning Andy called with a request. And by this morning I mean three and a half weeks ago. The request was of a very Andy nature. Andy has many friends and acquaintances that share certain traits that strike Andy as being odd (I am not worthy to be called a friend, but as an acquaintance he has mentioned that I am odd). The one key trait is that each of Andy’s entourage (we’ll just include both friends and acquaintances in this grouping, I like to be included) has a quirk that is all their own, each unique but able to rub Andy in a similarly wrong way. Which is odd in itself seeing as how Andy just loves a good massage. But that is another story altogether. Andy is a go-to, spur of the moment kind of guy. He likes his spontaneity to rule the day and to go au naturel (read this post). For some reason the members of his entourage seem to squash his momentum. They all have these rules that ruin the moment. Kill it in fact. Slaughter it like a baby calf being shipped off for Andy’s veal scallopini dinner. Inane rules that make no sense. “This can’t be posted that way.” “You can’t say that on this blog.” “Make sure my eyes sparkle when you take my picture.” “Take that post down now, before I call the cops you pervert.” Typically Andy pays no attention to these rules. He wouldn’t even know they existed in fact, except that they are sometimes an obstacle to his spurred moment. The member of his entourage holds something beneficial to Andy in their possession and will not relinquish control of it until Andy makes the situation just so.

So Andy calls me today (three weeks ago) and asked me to work on this for him. He goes on about the latest obstacle to his moments of glory and self-praise. I tell him that it is a shame that he has to deal with these kinds of issues. How does he attract such people in his life? We talk for a while. Later that day (today, three weeks later) he brings up what he called about that day (not really sure when this happened now). Apparent Lee, I don’t pay attention. He didn’t want me to work on the problem of why his entourage is always halting his progress. He wanted me to figure out how to appease his entourage in order to get his spurriness back and thus get control of said possessions. My quirk— always working on the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sorry boss.

RATED NC-17 Posted By AndyFan: OK, this may be short, it may not. Piss off if you have a problem with that. This morning I had a moment. An Andy moment. It made me snicker and think, that would make for good The Spirit of Andy Compells material. I actually thought it was quite genius. Maybe not Andy genius, but AndyFan genius. Full of piss and vinegar and all the things that make Andy fun to listen too. I was ready to go write. Then it happened. Yep, right in the middle of a thought. The one and only thing that could F-UP the whole day.

Can you people please leave me the F-alone. One interruption and it is like the whole dam breaks and all my thoughts flow down the sewer. I had a good one this morning, but some trivial need of some nitwit pushed the wrong button that let the flood gates go, and with it, another fine post on AndyPagana.com. Was your want that important? Did you really get any further today by bothering me? Is it your goal in life to be the monkey and the wrench at the same time? You are the type of person that walks out the in door aren’t you? I don’t actually mind that person, except that I was standing in the doorway going the right way when you slammed the door in my head. No, it’s a metaphor, for what the eff where you thinking. The sign says in you outgoing idiot. Seriously is it too much to ask for you to just think for a change. Try it, you may just not bother me tomorrow. Oh well, you already have, I can tell.

Posted by AndyFan: There are many things that Andy likes to wax poetic about. (I for one would just love to see a hairless Edgar Allen Poe, might not be so intimidating.) At other times he is ready to fight down and dirty if he thinks you are just foolish in what you believe. (He does sometimes think that, but it is usually because you haven’t thought your thoughts all the way through.) There are yet even other times when he is just very philosophical and profound. Last night was such a case. We were conversing (yes, the words will be as elongated and elaborate as possible for the remainder of this web log post, it is very profound to make them so) about the various incarnations of medicinal practices. Modern and western versus eastern and holistic. Ingesting pills with chemical names that have never really been given the proper examination beyond a very limited and controlled study (much like the interweb) compared to say yoga and eating properly (been around forever, must be good). By no means does he feel that it is an easy task to find healthy food. (And good, it has to taste good. Why else would you eat it if it didn’t taste good. In fact let’s make it great. Healthy food costs more. It should taste great.) It is an ongoing frustration that Andy is faced with when he can not find accessible healthy food. (OK, it has to taste great and it has to be accessible. Easily accessible.) So in our dialogue of post new age thinking ( I am hereby claiming that phrase if no one has yet, Andy you get 50%) we got to a solution that Andy was very adament about. He even recommended it to me for many of my ails. I am not quite sure how accupuncture will allow me to write more and answer the phone when he calls, but somehow Andy thinks it will. I believe him so I will try. He steared me in the right directions with those massage thingys he is always getting. I love those now. Pre-Andy, I wouldn’t let anyone but a pretty woman touch me. Now, the stronger the Chinese man the better. Thank you Andy. If I am not writing, I am most likely laying on a table waiting for my man. And don’t fret, the words flow when I am done. So back to his latest suggestion. I have never been opposed to accupuncture, it’s just the needles that I have a problem with. But I grow each day, so I will get past my fears. As I started to swing the conversation to another controversial method, I could feel Andy get silent. As soon as I uddered the word chiropractor Andy said no. I was caught off guard. I didn’t know what to say. I meekly asked why. Andrew got his composure and explained, “Look I can only put it like this. It is real simple. Chiropractory is like me being a doctor. It’s just not delicate. You do not want that.”

Posted by AndyFan: Sometimes we just can’t get what we want done in a day.

AndyFan: It would be helpful if we were on the same page.

Andy: It would be helpful if we were in the same book.

Posted by AndyFan: The subject of the Grand Marquis came up a while back in the Barbara Would Be Proud post and people (you know who you are people) thought it was not covered in enough detail. The fact is that it was payed little attention on purpose. Andy’s obsession with the Grand Marquis as transportation vehicle is rooted in some early childhood trauma that I am not at liberty to talk about. I have a gentleman’s agreement with him that I won’t talk about the things he says I can not talk about. Since neither of us are gentleman, I refrain because he has as much dirt on me as I have on him, so there you have it. Don’t ask me about this subject again.

I will, however, go so far as to describe his general love for this finest of fine automobilé. Andy has owned more Grand Marquis’ than any other pre-octogenarian in the North Eastern corridor of the Western Hemisphere, where ever that is. Each one has a been a progressive step up from the previous model owned. However there are a few issues with his latest moroon vehicle. For one, this car was not named. Because it was not named it has behaved like a lost and unclaimed child. It does not fully know who it’s owner is. It’s like calling your new dog “dog” for the first few years and then all of a sudden asking Fido to sit. He is just going to piss all over your rug. He is confused. Each of Andy’s previous boats where christened with a proper name. Due to copyright infringements I am not able to broadcast these names, but they were proper. And they were Grand. As you would expect they would be. What other kind of name would Andy give his car than a Grand name?

Getting back to the Barbara Would Be Proud post (that is where this all started people), if you wrapped your head around the idea of Andy’s organizational skills at that moment, you are now preparred to move to the next level of Andydom—his car. If you are a true Andy fan, you are aware of the the importance of Andy’s car. Combined with his domicile, Andydom is not unlike Dante’s Infreno but instead of all the levels of hell it is just subsequent levels of clutter. Andy calls them props, Barbara knows better. For lack of a better explanation his home is just a space. A space to be used for his bidding at whatever time of day, for whatever Andy chooses. He chooses everything most days, which is why it unfolds many times over on said days. And he can leave home at any time of day, for as long as is needed to cause Andything out and about. But his car, that is an entirely different subject. His car is his command post. The epicenter of his being. The lost location of Jimmy Hoffa, the keeper of the Holy Grail, the holder of the last M&M from the red and green holiday pack. You lost something, look in Andy’s car. It doesn’t matter if you have never been within 500 miles of his car, call Andy and ask him to check the crack in the back seat. Sometimes he even loses his car keys in his car, which is ironic, I think. We are still debating irony at AndyPagana.com. Whatever you do if you are taken for a ride, do not touch the yellow ring in the glove compartment, you will never get back. He lost the green one.

All told, Andy has traveled more than 210,000 miles via Grand Marquis. There is an old adage that states, home is where you hang your hat. While Andy wears and has many hats (and you are no doubt bound to find at least one near the door of any space he has arranged boarding for a spell) for Andy, home just very well may be where you park your car.

Posted By AndyFan: “He does not do anything for anyone,” I snapped, as I was told that Andy was working naked “just for me.” (For more about this topic, please read this post.)

Posted By AndyFan: I only bring it up because I am quite sure it may be the one expanse of land that our great hero has yet to travel. I am sure he would have mentioned it to me if he had. He gets a good giggle out of this kind of thing. I am not sure who named this place, but they must have been high on the peyote when they did. If you are having a hard time (go ahead Andy, I did that for you) figuring it out, spell it out slow like. Now remember, many times foreign phrases translate out of order, all yoda like. Set Upon A… I took 3.2 seconds to look for a rooster, upon not finding one I was outta there.