Andrew (Andy) Pagana

I like truth and honesty, even if one has to be sneaky and underhanded to get to it.

I really hate them with all my heart. They are evil, vicious little things.

Okay. True story. I was beginning to think that maybe I should take it easy on owls. I was actually coming around. Not sure why. My forgiving nature I suppose. I mean, I haven’t felt haunted by them lately. In fact, they’ve all but left me alone. I started to think “Maybe I miss understood them. Maybe they are serving a positive purpose in my life”. I almost wrote a post that gave them a little bit of credit. 

And then BOOM! 

They’re back. They’re back, haunting me in ways I cannot even begin to tell you. 

And so, last night I go to The Echo Park Film Festival to see my buddy Robert Beaucage’s short film ‘Resonance’. It was a pleasant enough experience until I was looking for an exit and found myself in the water closet and came face to face with a GIANT, EVIL LOOKING OWL piercing me with it’s eyes. Look at how creepy it is. Who can relax enough to do their business long enough with this omen of death.

They’re back. And it seems they’re not fu@#!ing around!

 

Andy and Vogel (Michael Byrne)

An interview (I think our first here at andypagana.com).

I had no tape recorder so here is approximately what transpired. (There is some swearing. Sorry) We spent about forty minutes together sitting in a corner of a hotel lobby, near that building from ‘Die Hard’. Here are the highlights. The rest will be printed in my autobiography when I get to it…

Andy: Michael, I am a huge fan of yours, too! You are one of my most favorite badguys. Do you know Peter O’Toole?

Michael: I was in Rome once. Years ago. I had done  some work with him before. I had a phone call. The voice on the other end of the phone said “Michael, have you read the bloody play yet?” “Who is this?” I said. “It’s Peter Peter Fucking O’Toole, you cunt”

Andy: What the fuck happened with Indy 4? 

Michael: (Censored)

Andy: Do you remember me? I saw Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 8 times in the theatre.

Michael: It doesn’t work that way. You can see me but I can’t see you.

Andy: Pff. Did it hurt when you went off the cliff on the tank?

Michael: No. That was a special effect.

Andy: So… it didn’t hurt? It looked like it hurt.

Michael: It didn’t.

Andy: And I notice that you hold onto the turret even after you have crashed. How did you do that?

Michael: It wasn’t me. It was a miniature of me.

Andy: Wow. Well, it looked like it hurt. Did you have on knee pads or something?

Michael: I wasn’t really there.

Andy: Did Harrison Ford get mad when you punched him and then shoved his face on the tank’s tread? 

Michael: It was acting.

Andy: Are you sure? Because he looked mad.

Michael: I’m sure.

Andy: When Indy was hanging from the tank gun why didn’t you just shoot him? Why hit him with a shovel?

Michael: I did what I was told to do.

Andy: Pfff. Nazis. Always the same excuse. Well, I don’t know how you survived the fall but it was a great stunt. How did you not hit your head on the camera as you fell towards it, screaming? 

Michael: (sigh) I got lucky I suppose.

Andy: You want a cup of coffee?

Michael: No, I’m drinking wine, thank you. I shouldn’t be drinking this. I’m tired. I just got off the plane. I hate flying. 

Andy: Me too. I drove across the country 10 times.

Michael: You guys use planes here like we use cars.

Andy: ‘We’ meaning Nazi’s looking for the Holy Grail?

Michael: The biritsh.

Andy: Were you born there?

Michael: No. Scotland. (or did he say Ireland? Damn it!)

pause

Michael: Who let you in here?

Andy: Schwartzy did. That little guy over there. He saw you and told me you were here and I knew you would want to meet me. Lets take a picture. (Calls out) Schwartzy!!!

(Old fashioned flashbulb pops)

Andy: It was a pleasure to meet me. Thanks so much, Michael. How do you say goodbye in Germany, again? (I wanted to tell him here he had the most amazing blue eyes but I lost my courage.)

Posted by AndyFan: Trying was the operative word here. Apparently I am very much so. And on most days.

Posted by AndyFan: So Andy calls AndyFan one night and asks what it would take to do some scanning of an odd nature.

What kind of odd nature asks AndyFan.

Oh, I don’t know says Andy, abnormal sized things.

Well, we can do it in pieces and put it together says AndyFan.

OK, that sounds good, we can do that says Andy.

Anything else says AndyFan.

Well, we would need to do some small film scanning, maybe some 16mm says Andy.

Oh, we might need to build a mount for that, so it scans evenly says AndyFan.

Oh, ok, says Andy.

That all we need to do, asks AndyFan.

By we I mean you, says Andy.

We knew that, says AndyFan.

Posted by AndyFan: Andy has many a times (Where did that phrase come from? Why is it “a times”? Why not just “many times”?). OK, many a times I have overheard (what is overheard? Didn’t you just hear it? Did someone say it again? Or did you hear it over a bucket?). Alright, many a times I have overheard Andy retelling a situation that seems to happen time and again (think we covered that already), especially in Hollywood. Most particularly with directors. Andy may not be Steven Spielberg, at least not yet (well, he is not going to become Steven Spielberg, that is just scientifically impossible, at least if you believe in science that is) but he knows a thing or two about directing. In fact he knows more than a thing or two about directing. His knowledge of directing can only be quantified with the following example. Take all of the useless facts that Andy has crammed inside that modestly sized noggin, factor in his skill for squeezing tens times more stuff into his car and home than should physically be possible (see why you shouldn’t believe in science, it’s not always right, just ask Andy), then put those both together with his passion for Dunkin Donuts coffee (and donuts) topped with his udder frustration for lazy coffeeless bearing waitresses in coffee shops, multiply it times like a quatrillion and you have Andy The Director—well versed in the history of the craft, willing to go above and beyond the call of duty, puts in his last drop of dedication and can not stand when those who are hired to work do not want to do their jobs. With that I give you the following scenario, compiled from many a years of overhearings.

Andy: (SCREAMING) Well John Ford did!

Apathetic Cast, Crew, or Producer: Well, you’re not John Ford.

Andy: I know I am not! I am Andy Pagana! If you wanted John Ford you should have called him! But you didn’t! You hired me! So sit down, shut up and do what I say! That is what you do! You do what the director says! I am the director! Do what I say!

Apathetic Cast, Crew, or Producer: Can we still get John Ford?

Andy: None of you are hot enough to ask that question!

Posted by AndyFan: Ancient Chinese wisdom states that “Men should worry about fame just as pigs about being fat.” I have no idea what this means or how to say it in Chinese, or even if it is a real Chinese proverb (I too do not trust this interweb thing) but I do know that the Chinese love Andy, and that he is worried about fame and being fat. No, really he is and they do. I mean, I don’t understand a lick of Chinese, but they seem to always have a smile on their face as they swarm around him trying to get a picture with our beloved hero. It’s like bees to honey, or is it bears to honey. Really, don’t bees just throw the honey up? Does this expression even make sense. And has anyone really seen a bear eat honey? The little plastic jars are cute and all, but do they actually like honey? I thought they ate fish and crazy white guys who think they can talk to bears. But I digest. The Chinese love Andy. I know this because I have seen it. It is a borderline obsession of theirs. And if this blog was not banned in China, they would have all the more Andy to love. Even if Google was really Google in China, they would end up confused and say “no, I no mean Andy Pagano,” as best they can in Engrish.  Andy personally supports several Chinese families with his donations to various institutions. More of a reason to love Andy, especially if you are Chinese. There is even a word in Chinese that I am told means hero which I have heard uddered at many a Chinese Andy sighting. In English it is pronounced dah•uhm. In Chinese it means hero of men, women and beasts; one to bow down to. Or so I am told. Like I said, I don’t speak Chinese. But I do enjoy seeing an egg roll.

Posted By AndyFan: The notion that I need to say any more about this title is beyond words. You people, all of you, should be well aware of what makes this make sense. But since the topic is at hand, and I placed it there, I figure there is no better time than now to discuss this quandary. If you have ever been in the situation where it is not enough to simply say that you put your foot in your mouth you know of what I am referring. It is as if the stars have aligned and well, nothing is going to go in your favor, so you might as well get comfy and keep on walking, one foot on top of the next. It is the moment when you not only ask the heavy set androgynous man when he is due, but compliment his ensemble to make him/her feel better, because if he were what you thought him to be, that would make her feel better. I mean him.

But wait, you are enjoying the site of the car wreck that you didn’t realize may be your very own life for the next few moments? You long for more? You need to know how you can avoid making someone you have never met but forty minutes prior cry at the deep and long-lost history of her and her former significant other, even though you know nothing of her, her former significant other, or her fiancé-to-tomorrow-maybe-maybe-not-now-be husband. You are confused by the great power it gives you to alter someones day so meaningfully, while not feeling quite as good about yourself as you did when you were trying to help that old lady on the street the other day. That is before you realized there are no old ladies in Hollywood, that poor girl will get no where in this town with out a lift or two, and you either have to get out more often or maybe just stay in for a change and watch a movie. Either way, daydreaming while at work and getting caught is never a good idea so I should stop writing this post before my feet are sore.

Posted By AndyFan: Apparent Lee, one of us is not paying attention to the other. This is not the first time that this has happened, but it is the first time that AndyFan will take the blame. Andy just does not listen to things not related to Andy. This is my fault for uddering nonsense. I thought he liked nonsense, but then I remembered that he only liked causing nonsense. Very different indeed.

This morning Andy called with a request. And by this morning I mean three and a half weeks ago. The request was of a very Andy nature. Andy has many friends and acquaintances that share certain traits that strike Andy as being odd (I am not worthy to be called a friend, but as an acquaintance he has mentioned that I am odd). The one key trait is that each of Andy’s entourage (we’ll just include both friends and acquaintances in this grouping, I like to be included) has a quirk that is all their own, each unique but able to rub Andy in a similarly wrong way. Which is odd in itself seeing as how Andy just loves a good massage. But that is another story altogether. Andy is a go-to, spur of the moment kind of guy. He likes his spontaneity to rule the day and to go au naturel (read this post). For some reason the members of his entourage seem to squash his momentum. They all have these rules that ruin the moment. Kill it in fact. Slaughter it like a baby calf being shipped off for Andy’s veal scallopini dinner. Inane rules that make no sense. “This can’t be posted that way.” “You can’t say that on this blog.” “Make sure my eyes sparkle when you take my picture.” “Take that post down now, before I call the cops you pervert.” Typically Andy pays no attention to these rules. He wouldn’t even know they existed in fact, except that they are sometimes an obstacle to his spurred moment. The member of his entourage holds something beneficial to Andy in their possession and will not relinquish control of it until Andy makes the situation just so.

So Andy calls me today (three weeks ago) and asked me to work on this for him. He goes on about the latest obstacle to his moments of glory and self-praise. I tell him that it is a shame that he has to deal with these kinds of issues. How does he attract such people in his life? We talk for a while. Later that day (today, three weeks later) he brings up what he called about that day (not really sure when this happened now). Apparent Lee, I don’t pay attention. He didn’t want me to work on the problem of why his entourage is always halting his progress. He wanted me to figure out how to appease his entourage in order to get his spurriness back and thus get control of said possessions. My quirk— always working on the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sorry boss.