Andrew (Andy) Pagana

RATED PG-13 Posted by AndyFan: On the heels of a not so Andy filled post (he just doesn’t see where it’s going people, would someone please help me out here), I thought it fitting to totally omit Andy from my next post as well. Well, he is only missing in content, never in spirit, and that is sometimes more fun. And actually, he is a rather big fan (read that as you will) of the subject of today’s The Spirit of Andy Compels Me, American automobilés. This is perhaps why, as I read about the industries latest state of chaos I start to question a few things that do not seem to be on the minds of most people, except maybe Andy, if he had the time to have something on his mind these days. He is very busy. Give him a hand people. With that I give you, The Spirit of Andy Compels Me:

So, recently the US “officially” bought General Motors. Well, the US, the Canadians, the UAW and some bondholders (sounds really effin fishy to me) own the “new” GM. I drove past the lot today and they look like the same ol’ GMs to me, but I am no car expert. Or truck expert, since that is all that seems to be out front at any GM dealership I pass lately. Apparently they had to pay off some Germans to get the deal done—again, pretty effing fishy to me. I thought this was an American car company. Why were we so worried about saving it if it was owned by quasi-French and some krauts? Can someone explain this to me? Then today it is announced that the fascists bought Chrysler. What do Italians know about cars? Have they ever made a car that sold in the United States? And what is a Fiat? Is that the Italian word for foot? Is this some über-green car company that will have us all driving like Fred Flintstone ala the cavemobile? No fuel needed at all. The whole thing has me very worried. How did these companies not see this coming? What was going through GMs head (yes, referring to them as one mega-dumb-entity) when they bought Hummer? What made the Hummer cool was that Arnold Schwarzenegger owned one. People, he is a rich mother-effer. A really rich mother-effer in fact. I have seen the people who drive Hummers now a days. You are not that rich you stupid pricks. In fact, you are probably not rich at all. Your lease will be up soon. Try getting that overly inflated ego into a Daewoo. Not gonna be easy. The novelty of the Hummer was that Arnie was the one person who had a civilian version. One person. Singular. It’s cool when you stand alone. When you are number one. And he is a bodybuilder. A huge, massively thick human being. He needed a Hummer just to support his left nut. And really, he was never going very far anyway. He lives in California. They don’t really drive far in California. They just move their cars across the street all day long. They are all on the same schedule too, which is why there is so much gridlock. So what Conan The Destroyer drives should in no way affect what the country drives. But, it did. And what was the first division GM dumped? Hummer. Nah, really? Didn’t see that coming! Ya dumb effs! Ford is the one Big 3 (I think that phrase can officially go the way of the Dodo, there is nothing big about them anymore) that opted out of some sort of government backed assistance. They would get the official AndyPagana.com seal of approval for that—especially since their Mercury Grand Marquis is the Official Unsponsored Automobile of AndyPagana.com—but Ford apparently got in the way of the development of the a mass transportation network in Southern California, so he and his namesake company get a giant raspberry instead. Seriously, Henry Ford stood in the way of everyone having their own train. Now that would have been effing cool.

Let’s just cover the green movement for a moment. Al Gore was preaching to the masses twenty years ago. There should be two no-fuel cars in every garage at this very moment. As for GM, their giant eco-push over the last year was the Hybrid Tahoe. Guess what, it got 50% more gas mileage than the previous non-hybrid model. That would be amazing if the previous model was getting 30 mpg, but no, the previous model was getting 12 mpg. Do the math now. That’s right. 18mpg. WOW! Nice move GM. So you can sell more high-end SUVs to people who could already afford to waste all that gas and not realize they were slowly killing their live-in-nanny-raised trophy kids. Never mind the people who can’t afford your cars or the gas it takes to move them. They don’t buy things. They can’t help your company.

Turning the finger to you people for a few moments. Why do you all need small buildings to drive around in? You know who drives Suburbans, soccer moms. Not moms with one or two kids—moms with 6 kids. Six kidded moms is a separate rant altogether, but if you don’t fit the bill, you don’t need a boat to get you from point a to b. And if you buy an SUV for the one week vacation you drive to once a year, eff off and shove your crap in the trunk. And don’t tell me it’s for safety. Those bohemeths are not safer. In fact, they abide by a lower safety standard than safe cars. Years of increasing safety regulations and you all throw it out the window. The only thing you are protecting yourself from are more people who drive around like you—badly. If you had a smaller car, you wouldn’t run into each other as often. Think about it. Unless you are a contractor, a delivery person, or transporting cattle, you don’t need a truck. SUVs are trucks you dumbasses. You drive a truck. You are a truck driver. There I said it. Frucking Tuck Drivers!

Ok, now for the real rant. Where the flock are my flying cars! Talk about missing the boat on this one. President Obama shouldn’t be mandating higher fuel efficiency in the forth-coming cars from our newly restructured auto-makers, he should be demanding my garbage-eating Delorean damn it! I want my hovering car in the next five years. And I want to peal an orange and throw the rind in my tank and take off to 2010, where I am told life should be better. Screw it, I hate oranges, I am throwing in the whole thing. Give me a grapefruit instead. I have been watching reruns of afternoon cartoons for going on 40 years, and they told me that I would be flying around in my transport vehicle by now, not driving on the street. In fact, it should have happened ten years ago according to my research. And when I would otherwise need to park, I should be able to push a button and the car folds up like a Transformer that I put it in my wallet until I am ready for it again. These were reruns people. Nickelodean didn’t create these things, some bankrupt studio did in the fifties and sixties. I want hoverboards and George Jetson cars and I want them now.

The Germans that GM paid off run Opel. Adam Opel started out making sewing machines and bicycles. Sewing Machines and bicycles people! His sons switched to making cars when both of those machines were deemed obsolete by Chinese seemstresses and automobiles. They saw a change on the horizon and they switched gears. Sound familiar. NO! That’s because we don’t understand that thinking. It seems you can buy a German car company, but you can’t buy the mind behind a German car company. You know what else Opel makes? Zeppelins. Yep, the flying balloons. Think about this here. Merge the two and what do you have, a flying car. But no, GM paid them off to make sure we were American. WTF? Where the hell is my flying car. I want to see the USA from my Zeppelin Chevrolet. It should be roomy enough for me, but not as large as a Suburban. If you say you need a Suburban to go to the grocery store you are flipping moron. My grandmother put her groceries in a cart, wheeled it up a hill, then walked them up several flights of stairs. Now, had she had a flying car like she was supposed to, she could fly them right on up to the kitchen window, pull up onto the roof, pop the button and walk down the stairs with her flying car shoved up her sleeve like any self-respecting grandma. But no, she nor I have the flying cars we were promised. Who the hell do I talk to about that?

Posted by AndyFan: There is not enough time in the day or minutes in the hour, enough sunlight in the summer or darkness in the winter; there are not enough paranthetical thoughts, nor hyphenated words, run on sentences or compound adjectives; there is not enough love to go around, or hate to kill a clown; British people with fancy British voices, American people with too many American choices; grand cars with grand car names; small cars with small car frames, paragraphs that start to sound like Dr. Seuss, thoughts that don’t add up to much, even the poop of a moose; there are not enough strangers to say hey stranger too, nor friends of andypagana.com to count each day anew; in fact there is not enough Andy for you know who, nor enough Andy for me and you; there will never be more than one, never anyone who is more fun; he will always be number one, even if google counts that other one; there will just never be enough.  (Seriously, we don’t even know what this all means, this post is only semi-serious, all but the Andy parts, compound adjectives, poop of a moose, the too many American choices, and of course the parathetical thoughts and hyphenated words.)

Posted by AndyFan: So in conversation with Andy tonight he revealed that he may have an eating problem. It is minor, and nothing to be worried about. At least not yet I hope. And I quote,

“So the other day, National Donut Day, …”

The story went on, of which I heard very little after that. I pondered just how many and what would have happened had there been a Dunkin Donuts nearby.

Posted By AndyFan: Technically this is not a response to his response, at least not his response online. Spent some time on the phone with our fearless leader today and among the many varied and sundry (what is a sundry anyway) things that we discussed, several blatantly stated facts were stated, again.

Fact One: Andy hates excuses, as stated by AndyFan on, well, yesterday, “but that is nothing new and Andy hates excuses.”

I bring this up because as I rattled through the list of reasons that I do not bore you, our faithful followers, with but that Andy asked for as to why I have been absent, Andy remarked, “I hate excuses.” My response was, “don’t you read your blog?”

Fact Two: I have been traveling and all over the place as stated, um, yesterday, “I have been all over the place.”

Andy asked me, what have you been doing? Seriously. I almost started to cry. I thought my words meant something to him, but alas (yes, using alas a lot these days, picked it up outside Warshingten) he seems to skim over my stories, or at least forgets them awfully quick.

Aside from that he does make a good point, I am trying. Many times he says very.

Posted By AndyFan: Been on the road lately, ala Awesome Andy. Actually, I have been all over the place, but that is nothing new and Andy hates excuses. I did try to make amends for my scattered appearances, but alas, it did not go as planned. You see, I do not run on Dunkin, though there are typically many in my surrounding area. I feel for Andy, as I have for many years been longing for my teenage source of afternoon sustenance, the El Paso Grande Burrito. Apparently I, being a burrito lover, happened upon a short lived market test of El Paso’s prepackaged delicacies way back in 1989 or so. After five months they pulled the plug (apparently too much real meat made the costs prohibitive) and I was left with the measly inadequate lesser versions that had been around prior to the Grande. But this is not about my burrito, it is about my making amends with Andy for something.

So in my travels I found a Dunkin Donuts right off the highway a hundred miles outside Warshingten. I even asked a fellow D&D fan to take my picture, it didn’t come out quite right though. It was a very spur of the moment decision to stop, but seeing as how this Dunkin Donuts had a drive through I thought I would surprise Andy with a cup of coffee. Now, I wasn’t thinking this one through. If you are all keeping track, which you should be, we are many miles apart (whatever judge) and coffee gets cold. Which brings me to where this story really goes down hill.

As I have this revelation I look up and see that an old woman is about to walk in front of my car. I slammed on the brakes. Now, you may all have seen this coming, but the coffee was in my lap and no longer in its cup. I thought that they made a safety lid after that woman scalded herself with the hot coffee at McDonalds years ago but apparently not. Like many others across this great nation that may or may not run on Dunkin depending on where they live, I thought that woman was an idiot when she sued McDonalds. Why would you put hot coffee in your lap when you are driving? That is just stupid. Seeing as how I do not think myself stupid I immediately started to re-evaluate my perception of the stupid coffee woman. I turned around to start my legal battle. Unfortunately though, you can’t sue over someone elses coffee, even if you paid for it. Weird rule that I never knew about, probably came about after that not-so-stupid-afterall woman won the case years back. As this was Andy’s coffee, I was left with burning thighs and no money for my time. Which brings me back to coffee getting cold, but not quick enough. Sorry Andy, I guess it’s back to Vegas for some D&D.

p.s.-Mr. Miles, while I have been away it seems as though you may be trying to eff with Andy. I am watching you Mr. Miles. And if this Mr. Lee shows up, I am watching you too.

Posted by AndyFan: There are very few things that AndyFan will argue about with Andy (except maybe the number of hours a day that should be dedicated to this blog), but from time to time Andy will claim authorship of certain phrases, even noisy bodily gestures if you will, that are more prevalent in our society than Andy tends to believe. AndyFan has tried to convince Andy of such commonalities throughout our culture that bring upon such similar responses as Andy projects and likewise many other people. These conversations all come to an impass when such behavior is at the heart of characters portrayed on television or in film. I won’t get into who, what or how often right now, but George Costanza you know who you are. Many times Andy has, well, lets just say the Spirit Of Andy even compels Andy from time to time.

There are certainly many idiosyncrasies (no, that wasn’t me insulting Andy) that are questionable when analyzed against our film and television pop culture. Andy does travel often (read America Runs on Dunkin My Ass!, Blue moon of Kentucky, Keep On Shining…, Andy goes to the Boulder Dam, Two Directors, A Hypnotherapist and a Girl Named…Connie!, and Rumor Has It!) so it is conceivable that someone along his path who thought Andy extremely entertaining passed an Andyism to their closest writer/director friend, who in turn coined a phrase or two that belonged to Andy first. This bothers Andy, and rightfully so. If you were as entertaining as Andy and other people took credit for it you would have a hit put out on other people. Andy is a pacifist, so he does not resort to such things. Or he enjoys a Pacific resort and can’t be bothered with such things, we get our lines crossed now and then. Regardless, other people know who they are, they always do, and they should be ashamed. Shame on you other people.

So why do I bring up a topic that so far has poured more salt on the wounds than it has healed any? Well I will tell you now. Though taking it a step in another direction, Sunkist has a new advertising campaign that taps into a word that belongs to Andy. You cannot copyright a single word, nor register it as a trademark, but if you could, this one would belong to Andy. Sunkist has coined it in a phrase that makes us smile at AndyPagana.com and we wanted to pay our respects to the witty writers who came up with the campaign, but more importantly we wanted to stake Andy’s claim to the word, AWESOME!

If you have never heard Andy utter AWESOME in your presence, well you are either doing something wrong, not amusing him, or simply not fond of a good time, which brings Andy down. If you have heard this word exclaimed by our hero, well I need not explain any further, the experience has said all that I could never quite get into words. Even the definition of awesome isn’t as awesome as when awesome is said by Andrew. Andrew saying awesome is simply AWESOME! If you are not pumped up or full of adrenaline after hearing it, leave his presence right then and there, find your doctor and tell him to make sure your heart has not stopped, there may be something wrong with you.

So while we smile at Sunkists 12 ounces of awesome, we just wanted to make sure that the Andy World was aware of the origin of awesome, and AWESOME is Andy’s and Andy is AWESOME.

Posted By AndyFan: I was begining to become worried. I, due to circumstances out of my control and of no relevance here, have been unable as of late to provide insight into the world of Andy. Obviously I did not see this interruption coming or I would have prepared several enjoyable stories of Andy doing this or Andy doing that. Stories that would have held you over until I returned with, well, more stories. Andy is full of stories. Or I am full of storeis about Andy, who is usually not full at all, but that is another story, or part of many stories, it is yet to be determined. My point right now is that I was not able to make good on my duties and was growing lax over the past week or so as I was consumed by “other” things. I usually don’t grow so lax so easily and was very confused at my own state. (Michigan?) Suddenly I began to realize why I felt the freedom to grow so lenient (ahh, gas), Andy was not looking over my shoulder at all. In fact, he didn’t even say a word to me last week when he left a message exclaiming something about his cattle. He calls about his cattle all the time, but it is the same problem time and again, and I don’t know anything about cattle. So I am of no use, which he tells me, time and again. So after several messages about his cattle but nothing about my absence, I began to get worried. Maybe Andy was sick. He has bovines, maybe he has swines he has never told me about. He also travels a lot, had he taken his pig (if he in fact has one) to Mexico (not sure which state that is in, but it sounds terrible) for a siesta? You would think this would be the moment that AndyFan calls Andy, but no, circumstances were still prevailing (Andy calls them priorities and thinks that mine are not in line with his) I waited until he called me about his cattle again. When I didn’t pick up his call (because now I was scared) he left me a message, this time not about the cattle. In fact it was very too the point. One my cell phone message he informed me to listen to my other message at home. In fact, he said listen to it twice, once for not picking up at home (due to circumstances) and once for not picking up the cell phone (due to fear of circumstances). When I finally retrieved said message I was relieved. He was mad. Which is good. Well, not for me, at least not this time. When he is mad at others I pull up a chair and watch, because let’s face it, Angry Andy is very funny when he is angry at others. Others can be so frustrating and it is funny to see them get theirs. But this time I was getting mine. Which is not funny, except if I have done my job. Which as of late I have not been doing.

Posted By AndyFan: This isn’t the actual theory, the actual theory has been brewing for a few weeks now, prompted by one of Andy’s posts, but this is a teaser to the actual theory. The theory is that Andy is changing, changing in ways we never saw coming. I am working on this theory but I am having trouble tracking down the reference. I was given it by someone, apparently an old friend of Andy’s, but that too I have to confirm. When I am ready I will reveal this theory upon the AndyWorld for all to disect. I was not going to say anything until the time was right, but with Andy saying his head is ready to explode I think that time is right now. Please make sure you see a doctor dear Andy, I do fear you may be correct.

Posted by AndyFan: Our West Coast reporters are on the case. Andy was spotted at the season 2 premiere party for ABCs Wipeout on Monday night. We are a bit concerned as rumors have it that Andy will be making an appearance in this season, and not as a part of a best of compilation episode as he has in the past. At first I agreed with the 3 Mommies, what was he thinking? I don’t know who the 3 Mommies are but there is little reliable reference online and three moms seemed like a good source. I have to say that AndyFan (yes, talking in the third person) did try and talk Andy out of it the first time. Reality TV is not TV to AndyFan, and it is certainly below Andy to be a part of. Jon and Kate, come on now. Eight kids isn’t a miracle, the nation wanting to watch 8 kids and two numbnut parents is a miracle. Most parents can barely stand their own kids for a half an hour straight, why do people want to watch that zoo. And they have a website? Come on other people, don’t you get mad when your crazy uncle sends you a Snapfish link to the family vacation photos? We are all glad that most of our relatives still don’t know how to plug there video cameras into the tv to show us their trips like the good ol’ days of Super 8 movies. Why would you want to see some strangers, ten of them for the matter, sharing a forced good time for the cameras. And are we really crying for their situation, they have someone to take the picture of them. Most normal insane families have to find a ledge, argue about how to use the timer, set the thing up, run back around and look like an arse when they cut off their heads because they aren’t photographers and shouldn’t be setting up shots.

Andyway, AndyFan was very against Andys forray into the reality television world, but then one night Andy calls AndyFan to tell him the premeire is airing. AndyFan was given moments to find a television. And find a television he did. A big one. One almost large enough to portray Andys awesomeness the way his awesomeness is meant to be portrayed. One big enough to make his trip up the treadmill (he swears it was moving) death defying. A screen big enough to show just how big those balls were, especially when he fell off the giant red rubber bouncy things. This wasn’t reality tv, this was Indiana Jones meets the Three Stooges, without the snakes. The real shame was not being able to see Andy jump the swirling arms as he stood on a tiny post. Get rid of the athletes, put in the couch potatoes.

If the stories are true, we hope that Andy has not been walking around Hollywood with a cane (at least not with out sending us a picture). As much fun as it was to watch the first time, Andy did need some physical therapy afterwards. That thing was like the modern day gaunlet. And Andy hates sports. He says so all the time.

Posted by AndyFan: There are few in Andy’s life who can whirl through and cause more excitement and yet somehow leave the place tidier than before they arrived. And that my good Andyfriends, is no small feat. First of all, very few are more exciting than Andy. But more importantly, if any of you have had the fortune of working on any one of the plethora of projects that Andy has helmed, have had a chance to visit him when he is relaxing at home, or have merely taken a ride with him in the Grand Marquis of the moment, you have no doubt witnessed the unfolding of his entire life before you. Not an unfolding like an unraveling or falling apart. This unfolding is more like using one of those mini-pocket maps, the ones that only fit in yor wallet if you put it there the second you purchase it and store it away with your change. Do not open it, it will never go back to its intended place again. You will never fit it in your wallet once you have even just flipped a corner up to look. You may even throw it across the street once you realize that it is no longer the size of a credit card but rather as thick as War and Peace, only to need it five minutes later and have to walk back and look all over for it to no avail, return to the place of purchase, acquire another at the same price, start back on your path, only to trip over the first copy of War and Peace and kick it, for not showing up sooner, stub your toe, scream an expletive or two, throw the newer, unopened copy of War and Peace past the the first one that you kicked, find a seat, look around to see if there are any loyal subjects to go retrieve both copies, one to possibly even return the second copy that was unused though slightly scuffed from sliding across the floor, read the first copy from beginning to end, figure out which direction you should be going in, point you in that direction and walk you there, simply because they should enjoy your company. That is the unfolding that I am referring to.

To apply this to Andy imagine a room. Now fill this room from bottom to top. In fact, fill it again. Ok, one more time. Now take the contents that are filling the room, put them in nicely separated plastic bins, the ones that stack, condensing the objects in possession to a fraction of their original size and shove them ever so gently into the spare room. The one that was not opened yet. Like the mini-pocket map, this must be done at the time of aquisition. Any time after and it would be too late. Once stored in said room, refill the first room in the same manner, store new material in bins and find a way to get them into the same spare room. Then hit play and watch Andy go. More than likely he will need the very object that arrived first, the one that is all the way at the bottom of the spare room, all the way in back, under every other bin. Only Andy holds the key to how the bins are organized, however, that too is in one of the bins. So now the hunt is on for the object of desire and/or the key to where that object lies. Bins are opened. They overflow into the outer room, expanding to their original size. Actually, all the bins are opened, each and every one of them. Filling all areas of the space that was for one moment organized. This is when it happens. Barbara arrives.

Barbara, a.k.a. Mother, is made of a different cloth than Andy; a more pressed and tidy cloth. Anything in Andy’s life that has ever warranted a complaint from our hero is due, if you ask Mother, to the fact that he kept an untidy room as a child. A movie project goes sour—he should have picked up his toys when he was five; stubs his toe—he should have made his bed as a teen; falls down and breaks his arm, well, he should have cleaned the stairwell, otherwise he wouldn’t have tripped over all that stuff and fallen down and broken his arm. Arriving at the moment that he has unfolded his entire life into two rooms only compounds her belief. She has offered to help, but he knows that his life would only be less, complete, if she were to come to his aid. In fact it would just be less. Stories of Star Wars toys found in the garbage due to the lack of placement in his room only bring fears of what prop, puppet or movie memoriabilia would go missing if Mother were to “help.” She means well. She always means well.

Well Barbara, I am happy to inform you that all your hard work may have paid off. Andy has taken a liking to a clean home. It is the theme of this blog in fact. No, really, the actual WordPress Theme, Clean Home. He had no idea. He just liked it. For some reason completely foreign to him. And the good news is, things have to go where they belong, otherwise he can’t show them to the world. And that would make him very unhappy. So in fact, it makes him happy to be so organized. And that should make you proud.