Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Posted by AndyFan: Sources close to AndyPagana.com have passed along a photo from about a decade ago. Andrew, on his return to alma mater Newburgh Free Academy, posed next to a confident and suave self portrait from his high school days. Long past was the conservative dress of his younger years, opting at the time of the photo for a more laid back, but charming, island look. Funny though, the hair is nearly identical. Yes, those are actually pineapples on his shirt. Little known fact, you can actually mail a pineapple through the US Postal Service. Or was it a coconut? It’s one of them. You don’t have to wrap it up, you can just stick a tag on it and let it go. Well, you have to bring it to the post office or at least hand it to a postal carrier, neither one moves without assistance. So if you know anyone from Hawaii, have them send you a coconut (or pineapple) and watch the look on your mailpersons face when it arrives. You might be thinking, “what does this have to do with Andy?” Well, good question Andy fan(s). Andrew is the source of this knowledge. Andrew is the source of many a tidbit. Bitty tids, how lovely. Actually, if you look closely a bitty tid is hanging from his nose.

RATED R Posted by AndyFan: I am going out on a limb here because I have never seen Andy drink Dr Pepper, so he may take this as nothing to do with him. But in fact, this post has everything to do with him. In fact, you can swap out anything in place of the Dr. Pepper and you have the essence of what makes Andy tick. At least Angry Andy. And sometimes Angry Andy is the most fun Andy. So long as he is not Angry at you. Or me. Let’s face it, I really don’t care if he is Angry at you, you most likely deserved it. So, in what is sure to be an ongoing section here at AndyPagana.com, I will now describe my Friday night and how the Spirit of Andy Compelled Me.

I won’t get into my choice of Dr Pepper vs other fine cola drinks, that is most certainly more about me than Andy and will only warrant a low grade when he returns, but I do on many occasions enjoy the Doctor over say Coca-Cola. A cola is a cola is a cola. NO. Not true. Each has there own taste and each is different from the other. I will grant that there is so much sugar in all of them that after a few cans it starts to taste the same, much like wine or beer, but every soda pop starts out with their own particular punch.

So on Friday night as I partook in a fine can of Pepper, I noticed the tag line “Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors” The “23” was really large. At that moment Andy possessed my being and I uttered, too myself as no one was there to listen (nor would they if they were around), the following diatribe. The rant went something like this (add in had gestures and lots of extra cursing):

What the F$#K does Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors mean? Seriously, why are there 23 flavors advertised on the can? I want one flavor, DR FUCKING PEPPER flavor. I looked on the ingredient list and there was the normal roster of suspects: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup and/or sugar (who are they kidding, really, how bogus is that, it’s just the HFCS), caramel color (why not the caramel flavor too, why not a 24th flavor, why stop at 23?), phosphoric acid, artificial and natural flavors (WTF!!), sodium benzoate (preservative), and (last but certainly not least) caffeine. Ok, so we start out with water, no flavor at all. So why is it in there? Is the list of ingredients a part of the 23 authentic flavor combination? Who do I ask this question too? It’s very misleading. I am not sure if I should start counting the ingredients as flavors or if they provided no flavor at all. The sugar bullshit is just beyond insulting. They haven’t used sugar in that drink since 1950 I am sure. And how can you have it say high fructose corn syrup OR sugar? They don’t taste the same. I have eaten sugar, it’s not the same as corn syrup, let alone high fructose corn syrup. How can it be authentic if it is one or the other? Which one is authentic, high fructose corn syrup or sugar? I would assume sugar, since I don’t think that high fructose corn syrup was used in 1885 when Dr. Pepper T Pepperton invented the drink. And if that is the case, how the hell can it be authentic if it contains high fructose corn syrup? Or should I be reasoning that the ingredients provide no flavor at all and I have to figure out what the “authentic” flavors are? The caramel color is apparently just color, or they would say caramel. But since they use high fructose corn isn’t that really caramel now anyway? Corn syrup is a major ingredient in caramel, so if you have the color, and a good part of the flavor (HFCS), then don’t you now have caramel in the drink? Or have they figured out a way to keep the two separate in the can? Is that part of how they come up with 23 authentic flavors. Maybe each flavor is floating around separately in the can. Which is kind of gross. I don’t want anything floating around in the can. What the fuck is that about? After the color comes the acid. So I am either getting high or burning a hole in my stomach. I think it is the latter, but a Dr. did invent this stuff, so maybe I am getting high. I will skip the artificial and natural flavors for a moment and move on to the sodium benzoate. I have a hard time believing “sodium benzoate” was authentic in 1885. It doesn’t even sound authentic now. Lets just call it salt. Why is everything so complicated? It’s salt people! OK, moving on. If the acid didn’t get you high, the caffeine will help jump start it back into high gear (how many of these things did I drink?). Again, how exactly did they add caffeine in 1885. I am beginning to think this whole concoction is anything but authentic. Returning to the “artificial and natural flavors,” what kind of bull kocka is that? So every other ingredient is listed to its fullest and then we get to the flavors and it becomes vague? And what other kind of flavors could it be? Can’t it only be artificial or natural? Why not just say flavors? And can artificial flavors be authentic? I don’t think they can. They are fucking artificial. Since they are differentiating between artificial and natural, shouldn’t they say 12 artificial flavors and 11 natural flavors? But this brings me back to my original point, isn’t the flavor Dr Pepper flavor? Say artificial and natural ingredients? WTF?

So, this was my Friday night. What, you expected more on a Friday night? I have gotten yelled at enough this week by Andy, I don’t need any more of that? He is already taking a liking to this blogdom and is asking me to do more for him, so I don’t have time to go out on the town. That is for Andy. Who, by the way, was only gone for the weekend. Somebody misled me again. First I am told he is going away for three days over Easter and turns out he was gone for four. This time I was told he was going away until Tuesday and apparently he is wondering what I am doing. Gawd, can’t a guy catch a break? Someone give me a Dr Pepper.

Posted by AndyFan: The title of this post just came to me one morning, early, very early, after Andy called to complain. Not about me, he does that here. Well, he does that to me directly too, especially if I don’t answer my cell phone. He has this weird rule about my having a cell phone, if he calls I should always answer. “Why do you have a cell phone, you never answer it?” is a phrase uttered several times a day. Obviously it is so I can be berated, duh. Regardless, I got off the phone and started to sing this verse, these are the only words that I know.

If you have ever had the fortune (of living) to tell about driving with Andy, you may have at one point or another heard him sing these very words. Let’s just call him a loose driver, sometimes too loose. This song keeps him in line. I never really knew what the reference was but I have often thought about Andy and uttered these words to myself, in complete solitude mind you (this may be bordering on obsession, but I will leave that to the professional help). It turns out it is the official song of Idaho, I mean Kentucky. According to Wikipedia, “‘Blue Moon of Kentucky’ is a waltz written in 1946 by bluegrass musician Bill Monroe and recorded by his band, The Blue Grass Boys. The song has since been recorded by Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline,^[1] Ronnie Hawkins, Rory Gallagher, LeAnn Rimes, Paul McCartney, Boxcar Willie, Ray Charles, Jerry Reed and others.” They left off Andy Pagana on the list, but I have to assume it is because he may only know the one line, I have never heard him sing more that that. But by this point we are swerving around another “bad” driver that Andy is yelling at to get off the road. Andy does that quite a bit. I still get the pleasure thanks to his bluetooth.

It is funny that one phrase can remind you so much of a person. Especially when you have no idea what the phrase is, have never heard another human being sing it (or animal if you are asking) and only associate it to a certain moment. I will find myself singing it as I work on this blog and think about the Andy from July 16th, 1993, or the Andy from late 2006. He hasn’t posted any photos of that Andy yet, but let me tell you, they are something. All pictures of Andy are something.

Posted by AndyFan: I guess that makes me First Mate. You are the owner of the armada, so you call the shots. But you can’t be Captain of all your ships. And it still holds true, no one will ever take care of your fleet like I do, Oh Captain, My Captain. Bon Voyagy!

Posted by AndyFan: Andy may own the ship, but I am the captain here people. Word has it, straight from the horses mouth actually, that there are little birdies whispering words of mutiny into Andy’s ear. I don’t know who you are birdies, but watch your bird seed. To fire me is to end this all. Sure, Andy could find another to replace me, but no one will ever adore him like I do (nor answer his 3AM calls). There is a pacing here people. He feels ignored but it is quite the opposite, I have done nothing but think of him the whole time I have been silent. It is for his own good. He grows bored with the same thing over and over and over. Even praise. Well, he doesn’t get bored with it, he just gets bored by the same praise, so it makes it harder to praise him from day to day when he demands more and better praise each morning (and make no mistake, he accepts praise in the afternoon, evening and at night as well). By stepping aside, it energizes him, excites him, gives him a feeling of power, whether he knows it or not. I am working the old Hollywood magic on him. Not this newfangled, adopt a baby every six months, be on the cover of US Weekly weekly kind of exposure. That wears off. People get bored. Soon enough you’re adopting two babies a year and giving birth to octuplets through a surrogate, just to get some attention. And you have so many children that you need to go on food stamps. I am saving Andy work here people, so you need to work with me. Let him know that AndyFan loves him, let him know that you love him for the auteur that he is, not just because he is a blast to have around, otherwise this would just be a big ego trip for him. And Andy is above that. He doesn’t want eight babies stealing his thunder, but he is still above all that. Just ask Andy at me@andypagana.com. Give him time to respond, he gets tons of Andymail.

At least that is the story I am going with today. Since Andy is out of town for a few days I have plenty of time to wow him with the posts to come. Hopefully he will not refute any of this, but if he does, it’s more mileage for me. You did leave already, right?

Posted by AndyFan: I am not typicaly satisfied with a B+, but lately the stress of trying to make Andy proud of the accomplishments we have been making has been, well, overwhelming. I mean seriously, in just a few short weeks we have spread Andy around the world. Andy loves to travel, but unless you have a five star hotel, a jacuzzi, and a masseuse he really doesn’t have any reason to leave the confines of the United States Highway system and the fine eating establishments between New York and California. He makes these trips to survey his territory. He has marked it all as his territory. I have seen him. This is the land that he will rule one day, one day very soon. Until then he is satisfied with being King of Andyland. Andyland being the area immediately around Andy at any given moment of the day. Don’t look at it as his own “personal space,” think of it more like the da Vinci illustration of the perfect proportions of man, see below. Place Andy in there, add an extra outer ring of about two or three feet and you have the approximate area that Andy needs to breathe. Yes breathe.  For maximum comfort, add another ring with an extra five feet in diameter and you have space for his coffee or tea, depending on his mood. Oh, and a donut when he gets the urge. Place a television (been around longer than 50 years, he is quite satisfied with that invention) just outside the farthest ring, throw into the inner most ring whatever remotes need to be used, and you have what is known as Andyland. That and the several dozen locations across America that Andy has pieces of his empire stored away. Technically he is squatting and will claim said locations as King and add it to Andyland when the time is right. Think of it like his own little Puerto Ricans, I mean Ricos. And while he is King and will make the trip outside America, but not without good reason, I can safely say you may never see Andy in France. Sorry France, it’s really not you. I swear. It’s this weird WWII surrender thing that he takes offense at. I have tried to explain it to him over and over again, but he just will not listen. You could talk to him about it but you speak French and he thinks that is part of the problem. You most likely speak American, I mean English, too, but with a French accent. That again is a problem. And your movies, they are too, French. He does love The Pink Panther, but I am not sure that is a compliment. You almost had him with French Fries, but then we found out that they are actually Belgian, so you kinda lost out there. Twice actually. Once for not inventing the French Fry, twice for finding a way to falsely name them after your country. Normally he would think this pretty ingenious, but you are French, so he won’t give you the satisfaction. Maybe it is your fault, maybe it is your fault, but since we are now worldwide, you have the opportunity to make a case for Andy to love you like he loves everyone else who loves him. Comment, respond, send him emails, tell him what you are missing for not having the pleasure of Andy in your life. He likes that. He likes any kind of attention. And that is why, though not happy with a B+, we are getting worldwide attention (that is why they call it the worldwide web afterall), and that makes me happy. That may have just cost me an A, but it was worth it. Damn, A- if I am lucky.

Oh, there is one thing that Andy does love that is French. The word masseuse. He loves that word. Unfortunately most often when he visits one they are Chinese, and the Chinese love Andy.

Posted by AndyFan: I have contacted Google about the following and ask that you all do the same. I don’t believe it to be an impossible tweak to their system, I think Larry and Sergey can handle it. In fact I know they can. And it is not that complicated, it can be right below the existing code.

What I am talking about is an option for “NO, I DID NOT MEAN (fill in the blank)!”

In this case I am referring to that damned Andy Pagano. It’s Andy Pagano that is screwing up the works. Well, I can’t say screwing them up, we rank in Google just fine, but why do I need to see his name when I do a search to validate all the work that Andy and I have been doing to spread the good Andy word. No, not the good word of Andy Pagano. I don’t even know who he is, I refuse to look, because, NO, I DIDN’T MEAN ANDY PAGANO!

Seriously, I think this is possible. Here is why. I use gmail for one of my email accounts. Unlike Andy, who is exhaustively testing it as a new technology (expect truly reliable results around 2045), I am embarrassed to say that it took me a few years to get on board with this. Ok, call me carpetbagger, but I now use it. I remember when you had to be invited by a gmail user friend in order to get an account. How exclusive was that? (No, I was not exclusive, obviously.) But I still watched the hoorah and honor of being on gmail. It almost seemed special just to get an email from a gmail user, even if they weren’t my friend and didn’t invite me to join. Basically I remember when gmail was cooler than cool. Like the iPhone. I remember when that was cooler than cool as well. And right after my Great Auntie Rosie gets hers, and programs in the three numbers she has, and has me download bingo on it for her, then, maybe, I will get mine.

But I am on Gmail, which is why I think it will not be any trouble at all for Larry and Sergey to get this idea working. For non-gmail users here is the logic. If you use gmail through a browser, as I sometimes do when I am off in New York being hunted by owls, you have a decently user-friendly interface for retrieving and sending emails. But, as many of my fellow gmail friends barely notice (no, most of them weren’t cool when it was cool to be cool), it’s what happens in the interface that is amazing. It reads your mind.

Ok, it doesn’t read your mind, but it does read your email. I am sorry, gmail. I will give you an example. For the sake of protecting identities I will change my friend George’s name to “Henry” and will not use his real address. “Henry” sent me an email this morning. “Henry” lives in Maine, I mean Mississippi. Being the out and about kind of guy that I am (otherwise I wouldn’t have had a four day absence from Andypagana.com this week) I was using the browser throughout the day. Tonight, I opened my computer and still had the browser and email from “Henry” open. On the right hand side was a short list of “Sponsored Links” that listed not only the google maps link for 3200 Pleasant Street, Port Gibson, Mississipi for where “Henry” lives and is what he has written in his signature, but also six links for the greater Port Gibson area, including book shops, a B&B and a photographer. Ok, there were two anomalies, I am trying to figure out why it listed ads, I mean “Sponsored Links,” for brake shops in Florida and North Carolina, but at least they were all below the Mason Dixon Line. (Does George live below the Mason Dixon Line?) I think it has to do with the words disk and pad in my reply to “Henry” (people, “Henry” is George and he lives in Maine, please keep up).

So, if you are paying attention to this post, Google reads your gmail. And then posts links for you based on what is in your gmail. Yes, Andy and I do fear we are headed towards a Minority Report world. And while the technology is scary, we really hope Tom Cruise doesn’t pop up in our house and think that we are going to do anything bad (most likely we already did it). Actually, we hope Tom Cruise doesn’t pop up anywhere, but that is another post for another time. Google reads your gmail and sends you personal ads catered to your content. Yes, they read them all. ALL I SAID. They have the right, you agreed to this when you clicked accept after not reading the Terms when you signed up for Gmail. I would tell you what paragraph it is in, but I too did not read the terms.

That said, if they can read your email, why can’t they read you computer files. I have no reference to Andy Pagano on my computer anywhere, because I don’t know the schmuck. Google would know that I absolutely did not mean Andy Pagano since I typed in Andy Pagana and have many, many, many references to him on my computer. There should be an option to click, “NO, I DID NOT MEAN ANDY PAGANO, NEVER WILL” on the search result page. In fact, I think it should be first. Let’s do away with some of the formalities. While they are at it, they should just make it that “ANDY PAGANA” shows up for any Andy search, why should Pagano get all the attention? What has he done? As far as I am concerned there is only one Andy (as Google would notice if they scanned my computer) and his name is Andy Pagana, so there should only be one listing on Google for Andy, and that should be Andypagana.com

Now, by the freak chance that there are other Andys out there (don’t ever mention that I said this to Andy) then Google could just add their standard option “DID YOU MEAN ANDY PAGANA?” for ALL Andy searches. And since you are in there already tweaking around the Google database, why not just make this a default setting for all searches. If someone Googles “unicorns,” the search result would start out with “DID YOU MEAN ANDY PAGANA?” Because you never know who is looking for Andy Pagana and we want the whole world to find him. Easily. Andy likes it easy. It’s just his style.

Posted by AndyFan: Yes, I have another life. I won’t talk about it here, because, well, this is Andy’s life and what’s that got to do with my other life? I will just say that I have been consumed with all sorts of who knows what in this other life. Basically things that keep me away form Andy, which makes Andy sad. And when he gets sad, Serious Andy sends out Angry Andy and the two of them conspire to confuse me and my other life. In the end I feel bad because I have been ignoring Andy, and ignoring Andy is always bad. I repeat, ignoring Andy is very, very bad.

I often wonder if this is like a comic book, and I am Andy’s sidekick. So, while I know his private Bruce Wayne to your public Andy Pagana, I don’t know who the hell I am in this other life, because who remembers Robin’s name when he isn’t Robin. Is it Dick something? Really, who came up that name. They don’t have enough working against them with the whole tights thing that they couldn’t go with a more manly name. My apologies to all Richards out there, but don’t shorten it and expect to not get a chuckle. But then I remember that Andy is more Superman than Batman. So I can’t even be old Alfred, waiting on him hand and foot. Superman doesn’t have an accomplice, I mean assistant. Though I do believe that Andy would let me be his Alfred and forgo the rules of Superman if I waited on him hand and foot.

I have so far not been able to not talk about my other life in this post about my other life and how I shouldn’t talk about it here. But there is good Andy reason for this. I found kryptonite. Yesterday I was in my local Hall of Books and was looking through a free donation bin. A little girl walked up and handed me a book, about OWLS!! I am not quite sure what to do. At first I thought Andy was just being paranoid, we’ll cover Paranoid Andy later, this is already longer than it needs to be. But then I thought, if I open the book, it may be like Pandora’s Bo(x)ok and the owls would then be after me. So I ditched the book under the back seat of my car and forgot about it. I didn’t even tell Andy.

So in my other life, the one I shouldn’t talk about here, I went on a business trip today and traveled to New York City. I was getting ready to leave when I looked out and was stunned. Amidst all the AC vents and odd workings of the buildings was an owl. An effing OWL! It was the same color as the rusty vents, hiding there watching me as I went about my morning. It wasn’t real, and I didn’t have a camera to prove this sighting, but I swear this happened. The owl was real, just not alive. In case that wasn’t clear. It was a warning, to who I don’t know. There was a squirrel ten feet away and a pigeon on the owl’s head. I don’t know what else the owl would scare away, except Andy, who I oddly have not heard from at all today. Please tell me someone has spoken to Andy today.

Posted by AndyFan: So, in typical fashion, I talk to Andrew tonight and get a request (read, demand) to put something new and entertaining up for our readers (read, you gotta post something!!), all two of them (come on people, we have to get this thing spreading or our work is simply for our own amusement. Oh, wait, I think that may just be fine. Go back to your business). The problem is that though sometimes it just spews (I didn’t think that was the correct spelling until I looked it up, gotta loves widgets!) from my pores, other times it takes a fine finessing to get Andy onto paper. Or screen. In words. On blog. In other words it’s hard to describe him. I am not Andy, so Andy doesn’t just come to me like it does him. For him it is natural, overflowing, topped to the brim with, well, that is what this blog is about. Getting to the core of what is overflowing from Andy Pagana. There is so much, so many layers. Like an oni…, no I won’t use that one, bad cliché. We hate bad clichés. But what do we share, what do we say. Andy can tell you about his day, or an event, or a moment, something that lets you in on the private workings of a mad genius (I know he gets mad, and he says he is a genius, and I believe everything that Andy says. I wouldn’t be AndyFan if I didn’t. It doesn’t take much more than that people). I have the honor of telling you about the man, or more importantly the myth, since the myth is always more entertaining. Like, what do we call the path that he leaves behind him everywhere he travels? And he has traveled. No seriously, he just went to the Hoover Dam. Why, I am not sure. I mean, it’s a dam. It holds back water. It sounds like something he would ignore in history class, if he hadn’t found a way to get out of history class to go paint on canvases stretched by other people (you know who you are other people). Speaking of other people, I take back what I said earlier, go find other people to tell them about this blog. This is serious business (you gotta read that one if you missed it). Andy is off doing things (read, eating dinner and ignoring paparazzi) that need to be covered by the likes of TMZ. Has anyone seen that show? I mean come on other people. Ok, this post not included, but we are so much more entertaining than that drivel (that took a few trys to get right). Have we seriously gotten to the level that we watch a bunch of bitter Hollywood, never-had-a-chance, rejects sit around dishing gossip about Hollywood, what-have-they-really-done-for-it, success stories. Most of the time it wouldn’t even be entertaining if an animated baby told the story. You know the ones, like that E-Trade commercial. Where the kid is at the computer telling the lay people how to trade like the pros and then throws up. I hate those things. But people really think it’s amazing how they do that. You know what’s amazing, Andy. That is why he has a blog. And Andy has a problem with babys stealing his thunder, so leave them off of TV. A cute baby is like Paris Hilton being rich. Neither one did anything for it, why put them on TV just because they are? They didn’t earn it. Let them grow up and come up with their own ideas. Both of them.

Posted by AndyFan: These words are uttered daily by Andy. Possibly even hourly. For any number of reasons at any given point of the day. It could be anywhere. It could be about andything and everything. And I always feel a tremor in the universe when they are (not sure if it feels his pain or is pained by his feelings, he has to work that out with the universe).

Years ago when Andy was working on his independent television show, The Nonsense Box, he would call and complain several times a day about the lack of help he was receiving from his friends and associates. “Don’t they know who I am?” he would ask, leaving off the “going to be one day.”

Actually most often he would call up and say, “Well, no one is helping me, so I have to do it myself.” He said this with, well, we’ll call it a certain je ne sais quoi, and I am not sure who he was referring to, but I have a feeling I was no one. Not sure, but here is why I have that feeling. Today, after a few days away I got a frantic call from our fearless leader. (Gotta love the scheduled posting of WordPress, I could set this blog up to post for the next year and Andy would never know I was gone, oh balls, now he will.)

“Where have you been?” I tried to cut it off at the pass by asking his question for him. I had two messages on my cell phone that were not from Happy Andy. Yes, there is an Angry Andy. He sits next to Serious Andy at the table. Sometimes they confuse themselves for the other, but more often than not it’s Angry Andy talking for Serious Andy.

“What? You are the hardest person to get a hold of. What were you doing all day (yesterday)?” he quipped. (Is that the right word? I like the word quipped. Andy seems like the kind of person who would quip. Now that I write it a few more times I don’t even know if it is a word. Do I have time to look it up, nah, you get the meaning by this point.)

So Andy quipped. Well, long story a little longer (ok lets get real, this isn’t that long yet, or you don’t know me by now). So, he quipped, by now I am not sure about what, I am kind of confused. Too many hats and this one seems to be on most these days. It was something about how I am not around and blah, blah, blah. He really shouldn’t yell at me when I am in the middle of writing his blog.

Apparently he couldn’t find me yesterday, so he didn’t get any help, but I think you all saw that coming. He yelled at me, I said sorry. He gave me some work to do on his latest post (it’s kind of like the canvases for those keeping track). I spent some time doing the work and decided this would make for some interesting reading. Not sure if it is, but I am amused, and sometimes that all that counts, just ask Andy.