Andrew (Andy) Pagana

RATED NC-17 Posted By AndyFan: OK, this may be short, it may not. Piss off if you have a problem with that. This morning I had a moment. An Andy moment. It made me snicker and think, that would make for good The Spirit of Andy Compells material. I actually thought it was quite genius. Maybe not Andy genius, but AndyFan genius. Full of piss and vinegar and all the things that make Andy fun to listen too. I was ready to go write. Then it happened. Yep, right in the middle of a thought. The one and only thing that could F-UP the whole day.

Can you people please leave me the F-alone. One interruption and it is like the whole dam breaks and all my thoughts flow down the sewer. I had a good one this morning, but some trivial need of some nitwit pushed the wrong button that let the flood gates go, and with it, another fine post on AndyPagana.com. Was your want that important? Did you really get any further today by bothering me? Is it your goal in life to be the monkey and the wrench at the same time? You are the type of person that walks out the in door aren’t you? I don’t actually mind that person, except that I was standing in the doorway going the right way when you slammed the door in my head. No, it’s a metaphor, for what the eff where you thinking. The sign says in you outgoing idiot. Seriously is it too much to ask for you to just think for a change. Try it, you may just not bother me tomorrow. Oh well, you already have, I can tell.

Posted by AndyFan: There are many things that Andy likes to wax poetic about. (I for one would just love to see a hairless Edgar Allen Poe, might not be so intimidating.) At other times he is ready to fight down and dirty if he thinks you are just foolish in what you believe. (He does sometimes think that, but it is usually because you haven’t thought your thoughts all the way through.) There are yet even other times when he is just very philosophical and profound. Last night was such a case. We were conversing (yes, the words will be as elongated and elaborate as possible for the remainder of this web log post, it is very profound to make them so) about the various incarnations of medicinal practices. Modern and western versus eastern and holistic. Ingesting pills with chemical names that have never really been given the proper examination beyond a very limited and controlled study (much like the interweb) compared to say yoga and eating properly (been around forever, must be good). By no means does he feel that it is an easy task to find healthy food. (And good, it has to taste good. Why else would you eat it if it didn’t taste good. In fact let’s make it great. Healthy food costs more. It should taste great.) It is an ongoing frustration that Andy is faced with when he can not find accessible healthy food. (OK, it has to taste great and it has to be accessible. Easily accessible.) So in our dialogue of post new age thinking ( I am hereby claiming that phrase if no one has yet, Andy you get 50%) we got to a solution that Andy was very adament about. He even recommended it to me for many of my ails. I am not quite sure how accupuncture will allow me to write more and answer the phone when he calls, but somehow Andy thinks it will. I believe him so I will try. He steared me in the right directions with those massage thingys he is always getting. I love those now. Pre-Andy, I wouldn’t let anyone but a pretty woman touch me. Now, the stronger the Chinese man the better. Thank you Andy. If I am not writing, I am most likely laying on a table waiting for my man. And don’t fret, the words flow when I am done. So back to his latest suggestion. I have never been opposed to accupuncture, it’s just the needles that I have a problem with. But I grow each day, so I will get past my fears. As I started to swing the conversation to another controversial method, I could feel Andy get silent. As soon as I uddered the word chiropractor Andy said no. I was caught off guard. I didn’t know what to say. I meekly asked why. Andrew got his composure and explained, “Look I can only put it like this. It is real simple. Chiropractory is like me being a doctor. It’s just not delicate. You do not want that.”

Posted by AndyFan: Sometimes we just can’t get what we want done in a day.

AndyFan: It would be helpful if we were on the same page.

Andy: It would be helpful if we were in the same book.

Posted by AndyFan: The subject of the Grand Marquis came up a while back in the Barbara Would Be Proud post and people (you know who you are people) thought it was not covered in enough detail. The fact is that it was payed little attention on purpose. Andy’s obsession with the Grand Marquis as transportation vehicle is rooted in some early childhood trauma that I am not at liberty to talk about. I have a gentleman’s agreement with him that I won’t talk about the things he says I can not talk about. Since neither of us are gentleman, I refrain because he has as much dirt on me as I have on him, so there you have it. Don’t ask me about this subject again.

I will, however, go so far as to describe his general love for this finest of fine automobilé. Andy has owned more Grand Marquis’ than any other pre-octogenarian in the North Eastern corridor of the Western Hemisphere, where ever that is. Each one has a been a progressive step up from the previous model owned. However there are a few issues with his latest moroon vehicle. For one, this car was not named. Because it was not named it has behaved like a lost and unclaimed child. It does not fully know who it’s owner is. It’s like calling your new dog “dog” for the first few years and then all of a sudden asking Fido to sit. He is just going to piss all over your rug. He is confused. Each of Andy’s previous boats where christened with a proper name. Due to copyright infringements I am not able to broadcast these names, but they were proper. And they were Grand. As you would expect they would be. What other kind of name would Andy give his car than a Grand name?

Getting back to the Barbara Would Be Proud post (that is where this all started people), if you wrapped your head around the idea of Andy’s organizational skills at that moment, you are now preparred to move to the next level of Andydom—his car. If you are a true Andy fan, you are aware of the the importance of Andy’s car. Combined with his domicile, Andydom is not unlike Dante’s Infreno but instead of all the levels of hell it is just subsequent levels of clutter. Andy calls them props, Barbara knows better. For lack of a better explanation his home is just a space. A space to be used for his bidding at whatever time of day, for whatever Andy chooses. He chooses everything most days, which is why it unfolds many times over on said days. And he can leave home at any time of day, for as long as is needed to cause Andything out and about. But his car, that is an entirely different subject. His car is his command post. The epicenter of his being. The lost location of Jimmy Hoffa, the keeper of the Holy Grail, the holder of the last M&M from the red and green holiday pack. You lost something, look in Andy’s car. It doesn’t matter if you have never been within 500 miles of his car, call Andy and ask him to check the crack in the back seat. Sometimes he even loses his car keys in his car, which is ironic, I think. We are still debating irony at AndyPagana.com. Whatever you do if you are taken for a ride, do not touch the yellow ring in the glove compartment, you will never get back. He lost the green one.

All told, Andy has traveled more than 210,000 miles via Grand Marquis. There is an old adage that states, home is where you hang your hat. While Andy wears and has many hats (and you are no doubt bound to find at least one near the door of any space he has arranged boarding for a spell) for Andy, home just very well may be where you park your car.

Posted By AndyFan: “He does not do anything for anyone,” I snapped, as I was told that Andy was working naked “just for me.” (For more about this topic, please read this post.)

Posted By AndyFan: I only bring it up because I am quite sure it may be the one expanse of land that our great hero has yet to travel. I am sure he would have mentioned it to me if he had. He gets a good giggle out of this kind of thing. I am not sure who named this place, but they must have been high on the peyote when they did. If you are having a hard time (go ahead Andy, I did that for you) figuring it out, spell it out slow like. Now remember, many times foreign phrases translate out of order, all yoda like. Set Upon A… I took 3.2 seconds to look for a rooster, upon not finding one I was outta there.

Posted By AndyFan: As far as Andy is concerned the final day of Summer falls a bit earlier than the Autumnal Equinox and a little shy of his not being able to wear summer whites to pool parties (take em off after this weekend sir!). In planning an AndyPagana.com event AndyFan (that’s me) suggested something of a summer party. Andy balked, “but it has to be in the summer!”

“It will be in the summer!” said AndyFan.

“You want me to wait until next year?” asked Andy.

“What are you talking about?” asked AndyFan cautiously.

“Dude, the Summers over!”

“Andy, It’s August 18th. There is technically a month left. And Labor Day is still two weeks away.”

“Oh, when did they switch that?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Wasn’t August 15th always the last day of Summer?”

“Only to you Andy. Only to you.”

“Oh. What are we talking about?”

“Andy, I wish I knew.”

The invitations are in the mail. You are all invited.

Posted By AndyFan: The problem goes by the name of Bridge, our videogrunt. I think he may be dyslexic. Which is the only reason why he still has a job. That and he knows how to cross that gorge that separates AndyPagana.com from the world of YouTube as if he were the George Warshingten, well, Bridge… But his dyslexia has played havoc with an entire summer of posts. I look bad in our heroes eyes because Bridge swapped a few words in my first mission critical message, thereby rendering our pages blank, that is until Andy started recollecting about his Picasso years (Boss, technically the Picasso Museum owns them, they own everything Picasso put his hands on. Thank god all those women are dead!). I told Bridge, “I don’t care what you do next, post the donut image first.” He heard “I don’t care what you do next, do not post the first image.” You can see where things went all wrong. If not than you need more help than Bridge and this blog is surely not enough to help you get you through your day.

None the less, as I stated yesterday, AndyFan was on a mission (people, get with it, I am AndyFan and I like to refer to myself in the third person, I haven’t been gone that long) and this mission brought him all over the globe. Well, he brought a globe with him all over, he didn’t have time to buy a map and the car was leaving, so he grabbed the globe off of his sisters table and carried it under his arm as he traveled from one city to the next. You don’t want to know how many times he was told that the globe was outdated. His response was, “now, now you want to discuss world politics? I don’t care if the Soviet Union is no longer the USSR, is Georgia still in the United States? Can you point me to Georgia.” Ok, the globe was very old, and the words were all worn off. But it got him from point A to point B, regardless of his knowing what town A was or if he should have crossed the tracks in B. I am here and that is all that matters.

I did find a few D&Ds around the globe. I don’t think America “Runs” On Dunkin though. Those globular people weren’t running anywhere. This shot was half way between points M and O, I skipped N, just because. One of these days I will get the framing right. Oh, boss, do they all taste unleaded?

Posted By AndyFan: Andy would say, why were you gone, but we will let him stew in my return and give me the lashings I deserve. Contrary to rumors being spread through the interweb (thanks Andy) I was in fact not on holiday but out researching and collecting all across this great land of ours. It took some time. I had to work my way from town to town. No literally. I had to work a few days here and a few days there to save enough money to make it to the next town. We don’t really have a budget here at AndyPagana.com so it was kind of a personal project that I felt would enhance the whole Andy Experience (you will not be disappointed, that is an order). In all it was quite an adventure. I labored in an organic farm; did some residential home repair in a damp castle dungeon; helped decorate a mansion overlooking a great valley (still not sure how I got that job); and worked at a day care taking care of toddlers. The most beneficial experience I attained this summer however, was being enlisted in a small but elite group of militia from somewhere between that east and west coast. I am sworn to secrecy on that one. No really, not the Andy-I-am-gonna-tell-the-world-but-they-all-promised-to-keep-their-mouths-shut kind of secrecy (I don’t care if Picasso is dead Andy, it’s still wrong), I am talking the real CIA-I-could-be-killed-if-I-told-you-any-more-than-I-already-have kind of secrecy. It’s really secret kind of secrecy (no, if he wanted those printed he would have left them to Claude). But I am at liberty to tell you about my experiences, so long as I don’t mention names, locations, ranks, or anything that would give away the whereabouts of those little ninjas. It was a loose little outfit that mixed eastern and western warfare tactics. They said I needed to come back for three consecutive boot camps if I wanted to join full time. Not sure why. They kept saying my teeth were too full. Very strange guidelines they go by.

Anyway, I am back and there will be more to come about my military adventures. I was able to dig up some good stuff about our hero while I was enlisted. In fact, I don’t think I would have found a thing if it weren’t for my friends in uniform. I would have been gone a lot longer on my search. Which, by the way, reminds me. Andy, did you lay off videogrunt? I sent him material all summer and he didn’t post a single bit of it. Why is it so hard to get good help? Videogrunt, I am looking for you. You have some splainen to do.

Posted by Videogrunt for AndyFan who phoned it in since he is off doing Who Knows What: We will get into Action Park one day soon, I promise. It may just be the subject of several posts in fact. Even a Spirit of Andy Compells Me. Watching Wipeout last night brought this on. If you don’t know Action Park, well then consider yourself one of the lucky. If you missed Wipeout last night, then you are unfortunate. Not as unfortunate as Andy, he didn’t win $50,000 dollars (I think that was redundant). He has talked about his loathe of sports in the past. We even have a whole category dedicated to it. HE HATES SPORTS! Let this not be mistaken. Do not be fooled by his participation in certain sport-like activities. He loves competition. He will get so side tracked by a good competitive jaunt that he will forget that he is participating in a sport-like activity. But make no mistake, sports he hates. Second to sports, he hates cold water. Wipeout. Wipeout contains them both. And mud. But he likes mud. So long as it is warm. Or body temperature. Either way, it is fine. Cold. No. Andy no like. So in true what the hell was I thinking fashion, Andy showed up for what was dubbed the “Fall Star” Episode of Wipeout. Now you all know I love a good ball joke, but this had us (yes, I am referring to myself in group terms now) on the edge of our seats as we watched in fear that our beloved hero might have found his true kryptonite, COLD WATER SPORTS. But fear not, Andy took that ball by the horn and just pounced on top of it. Using his skills of submersion he slipped past any danger and right into deep blue. Like Arnold in Predator, Andy used the coating of mud to shield himself from his enemy, allowing enough time to get out of the cold water before his defenses were down. And the hat stayed on by the way. Carry on brave hero, carry on.