Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Posted by AndyFan: So, if you haven’t heard, or read the very next post down, Andy is away all weekend. I thought it would be fun, at least for part of the day, to randomly change this blog every hour or so. A harmless prank, but fun nonetheless. I scoured the themes and selected several for our day of fun. Yes, we can be very lazy here at Andypagana.com, we use preloaded themes. Seriously, you are all lucky you get a blog. Really, you are very lucky. Andy doesn’t like to share himself like this with everyone. Well, he does, but he likes to see the looks on their faces when he reveals himself. Or at least he likes to get a picture of it, and as far as we* have been told, we* do not possess the technology to take a picture of your face as you read the posts, but believe me, we* are working on that technology. Maybe he and Karma are doing it right now. Nah, probably not.

So anyway, themes, pranks and messing with Andy for which he will never know, except if he reads his own blog (but who would do that?). If we* have Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter Sunday, than let’s make today Screwy Saturday. (It was more fun than silly. Silly is so overused. How any times can you say silly before it is over played? Andy is silly, we* are screwy. Besides, we are not being silly with the blog, we* are screwing with the blog. So today is Screwy Saturday.)

So, let me know which of the themes you like the best, I think we* only have a few hours left in this day, so if you miss it, all I can say is stay up later the next time. Those on the west coast get three more hours of fun. I will keep it going. East coast Andy Fans, no cheating. Stop watching after midnight. There are more fun games coming your way soon, so come back later to enjoy Andy in all new ways. He likes that.

*Yes, AndyFan did in fact refer to himself as we above, and sometimes, like now, refers to himself in the third person. He’s screwy like that.

Posted by AndyFan: So, Andy made a grave error last week when he said that the universe should be looking out for him. Apparently he doesn’t understand Karma or the fact that she is a bitch. I’ve been telling him about Karmas’ youngest cousin, Computer Karma, for years now but he does’t believe me. I would get offened, but he doesn’t believe anyone, so why feel offended. Well Karma caught up with him and his math skills being as off as they are, he forgot to carry the 2,  it turns out he owes the universe, at least this weekend. So our brave hero will go it alone and make good with Karma, as is only right and proper when you offend her. He said he would be back on Sunday, something about after the reserrection. Take your time brave leader, we will wait.

For those of you paying attention, and that should be all of you, I took a trip to San Francisco with another guy and our hypnotherapist. Now, the three of us together, at least according to our business cards, are known as ‘two guys and a hypnotherapist’. To me, it seems pretty straight forward. For others, it is confusing. So I will explain it here. I, am a guy. Schwartzy, is a guy. Hunter, is a hypnotherapist. And, together, we are two guys and hypnotherapist. (Didn’t I just say this?)

On our cards we have emails that very few people, as of today, have used. But we did get an email form our northern trip the other day. Schwartzy got it to be exact. He forwarded it on…

So here it is from Schwartzy…

” Good work boys – we confused the hell out of her:”

Begin forwarded message:

From: (I will keep this private)

Date: April 7, 2009 4:39:49 PM PDT

To: schwartzyguyone@gmail.com

Subject: girl in pink dress on haight and steiner sunday

hello,

whats your story. you shouted you loved me.gave me your card. drove away. are you hypnotherapists? comediens? do you have a show or private practice i should see?

your cards need a web address…..

 

Posted by AndyFan: Yes, our phones make bring, bring noises!

AndyFan: Hello?

Andy: Is it ME at ANDYPAGANA.COM?

AndyFan: Yes

Andy: Ok.

CLICK

And I mean with a passion. See, I am using the word ‘hate’ here. You know when a couple first gets together and the word ‘love’ cant describe even a fraction of what they feel for each other? Well, the same goes for me with the word hate to describe sports. I just simply don’t get it. BORING! Would somebody explain to me what the fascination is with watching two people hit a ball back and forth to each other, or kicking a ball or hitting a ball? And to watch it live I guess is one thing, but to watch it on TV… that I REALLY can’t understand. I mean, seriously, the same old boring shots. Wide shot. Full body shot with a long lens. Wide shot again. AAhhhhhh!!! I hate it. I’m angry just thinking how obsessed people get with it. And Im an obsessive person. (No really, I am)

And then to PLAY sports… what the hell is this? Exercise for fun? How is that possible? And the hero worship REALLY gets me. These delicate geniuses are treated like gods for what? Are they really better than me? Why? Because they can hit a ball fast? Or ski fast? Or get a ball in a hole? Or what? Who cares???

I can actually go on with specifics of what I REALLY think about sports but I won’t for reasons I do not care to disclose at this time. What I do have to say is that it has been my misfortune, after a lifetime of feeling the way I do about sports, to have worked nearly exclusively on sports-related projects for about ten years. The U.S. Olympic Committee (don’t get me started), The NBA(Ahhhhh!), PGA Tour Sunday, and The U.S. Tennis Open just to name a few.

I made the best of it, I assure you. I even had some fun. I traveled and goofed around, and always did a bang up job as I don’t know how to be any other way. (I am awesome). Although I must admit my ignorance of sports etiquette has caused a few touch and go moments. I had a lens smashed by a female golfer with a nervous swing (I was REALLY close to the ball in her defense and she was slammin hot, so I forgive her), I was thrown out of a tennis match on national TV by one of the players  for disturbing him (apparently these delicate tennis players are very sensitive to noise) and almost got beat up by some hard core fans. And then I was almost beaten to death for saying I hope one of these multi-retiring athletes loses his final match because I was stuck in a hall for several minutes while we waited for him to pass on through. Damn it! I have an all access pass. I should be allowed to move freely. Didn’t someone tell them the position of God was already taken?  (By the way, I would name these athletes here but I don’t remember or know how to spell them.)

Andyway, back to the point. The point is, the less I know about sports, the more amused I am with myself going into these jobs. But it can cause confusion. So lucky for me I made a friend in WNBC’s Bruce Beck (sports anchor – New York) during my stint doing a radio show at the US Tennis Open. He was always kind enough to answer any questions I may have. Luckily, I was even able to have one of these moments caught on tape. (I had a question about the numbers in parenthasis after the players name on the roster, apparently called ‘seeds’). So here, check it out…

Andy Pagana and Bruce Beck discuss Tennis

Posted by AndyFan: In a clerical error of massive proportions, it seems as if I have missed my deadline for one of this weeks posts here on andypagana.com. Not that I don’t have a slew of material to pull from, but as with most fine wines (yes, Andy would be the fine wine in this metaphor), the stories need time to breath. You never know who they may indict. So in an urgent wee hours of the morning call Andy politely informed me (read, told me even though he don’t pay me) that I need to “get one up there.” This is one of those instances where you have to know Andy in order to truly appreciate him (read, stare at in unbelievable awe) as he speaks to you as a minion of his whimsical bidding (this blog when we are funny). No sooner was my launching of this blog, along with my single handedly convincing Google to find Andrew first in the worldwide quest to find Andy Pagana information, raised to mythic status than was my number one AndyFan position put in jeopardy by a momentary lack of calendar. But, as Andy pointed out, it’s not what we can do for him, it’s what we can do for him right now. And right now I have to start on tomorrows post.

Posted by AndyFan: In an effort to show all sides of our favorite friend Andy, AndyFan must admit that we were informed recently by those close to Andy that we may not be presenting the more serious side of Andrew. The subtle and sensitive side. The side he is apparently not prone to show too often. This reaction of course begged the question, Is there a more serious side of Andy Pagana? Small as is it may be, we found that yes, there actually is.

But as we conjured a witty response and thought for days or hours or minutes about the subject we came to the conclusion that THIS IS THE SERIOUS side of Andy, just topped with a whole lot of whipped cream, a sprinkle of cocoa and one big giant fat cherry. What could be more serious than exposing himself to the millions? He is competing with 117 million other blogs after all. And that doesn’t include China. And this is just the number of people who think what they have to say is important, let alone the number of people who think reading what complete strangers think is important is important. (I’m confused!) Nothing could be more serious than a blog. And in only a week he is winning the war on blogs—his is the first listed when you type in Andy Pagana into Google. Number one in just a week. And we weren’t even trying.

It was in fact a very serious moment when he finally turned to me and said, I want a blog. Ok, he called me, and it was a little flippant and I wasn’t sure I should do anything, but he eventually called again and said, “No, seriously, I want a blog. How do we do make that happen?” See, he said the word seriously.  He doesn’t have time for this. I certainly don’t have time for this. But this is very serious, so we are wasting our time on this. And a lot of it.

If this still does not drive the point home consider this alternative. He dropped his serious side outside Warshington and it’s been roaming endlessly for years. We are tirelessly looking for it and thought that by setting up a blog we would have an international beacon to call it home. If anyone sees a very small, but serious, side of a human being, not attached to the rest of said human being, please log it on to computer, type in the words andy pagana in the google search bar and post a comment on its behalf. The rest of Andy is waiting. Seriously.

The sun is out. It’s in the eighties. I feel energized. I feel free. It makes me wanna get out of the office, roll the windows down in the car and just drive… as my friends throw rancid fruit and dairy at road signs.

Posted by AndyFan: Hello Andy Fans! It is with the utmost pride and jubilation that we can announce the completion of the circle. On this very day we have surpassed all other Andy Pagana references to be the very first listing on Google. Though not sure why you would, since you are already here, if you type the simple, unadulterated words andy pagana into the Google search bar you will come right back here. Try it a few times, it’s fun. We could not have put less effort into such worldwide success. Andy is proud. However he did ask us who the hell Andy Pagano is, and if there was anything we could do to rid the world of his Google presence? We will see what we can do.

She was eight years old. The date was March 17, 2008. It went like this, word for word…

Little girl: What’s the best day of your life?

Andy: Tomorrow

Little girl: But you don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow.

Andy: I know…

Little girl: Is that why it’s the best? Because you think something magical might happen?

Andy: Yes.

Little girl: You’re using your imagination too much.