Screw Jack, Where’s Andy?

Posted by AndyFan: So they have returned. To make it worse, I haven’t heard from Andy in quite some time now so I am a little worried about the situation (no, not that idiot who hangs out with Pauly Shore). I know, you have heard this all before. But seriously people, if we all worried about Andy a little more often he would feel better and then we wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. (Wait! That’s not right. Oh balls.) So either they got him or he must be very busy carving scars into the flesh of Hollywood. I mean typically he would call just to complain that I wasn’t using his name enough in my posts, I mean Andys’ name in my posts (had I been writing posts for him these past few months). But I haven’t heard hide nor feather from him, I mean Andy, in weeks. I refuse to believe he, I mean Andy, is just lying low and remaining silent (yes Andy, the earth just laughed for you). Even if he, Andy, was carousing with some guys, I would think we would here about it. Since we all know he, Andrew, can’t remain quiet this long, and why would he as he, Andy, has so much to share, I can only come to one conclusion, there is snow in my wardrobe and the owls have returned.

I say this because, well, the owls have returned. I have seen not one, but two new hooters in recent weeks. And the old funny looking one never left. So that’s not one, not two, but three owls sightings. To quote my six year old cousin when she heard the Jonas Brothers were retiring, WTF!! Do I really need three owls floating around at the same time. Yes, they float. Have you ever seen one fly? Me neither. Have you ever seen owl prints on the ground? Me neither. Thus, owls float. It is quite logical. Levitate from trees, actually. Can spin their heads around 360 degrees too. Which is hot. I mean a lot. Freaks me out every time I see them do it. Which would be three at this point.

So my fear is that they have captured Andy (what else would owls flying around California do this time of year) and have him strung up in some meat locker in a constant state of anxiety. In order for the world to not find out, the West Coast owls (they are very persuasive) have sent letters to the East Coast owls (no, via the US Postal Service, you people watch too many movies) and arranged the immediate capture of yours truly, AndyFan (I guess you knew who I was already, sorry). But you see, I am not going to have it. I was taught years ago what to do with stray random owls making a move on innocent victims. Shoot em. No, no, no. Not with a gun. That is illegal in most states (or maybe it’s legal, but it sounds terribly messy). I mean take their picture. Shot em with a camera. It disorients them. You don’t even need a flash. Their piercing eyes can actually see the shutter as you take the picture. For some reason it stops them from blinking. Which stops them from putting helpless bloggers in a trance. Which keeps the hope alive that one day I can get outta Warshingten fast and find our fearless, though maybe hogtied by ravenous owls (can that be?), hanging-from-a-hook-hero.

A Call To Arms!

Posted by AndyFan: We have let our fans down. This is a horrible and sad day. Andy would cry if he thought that he was affected by this at all. We feel very bad that some people are laid up in bed with a cast, but seriously, you act as if this stuff just happens by magic. Well, only Andy knows the spell and he refuses to wave his wand around (did I really just say that?) without good reason. In his absence however I will say this, we are thinking of you and send our very best in hopes that you recover soon so that you can continue enjoying Andy as every good citizen should. By we I mean the organization that is AndyPagana.com. By organization I mean you are so lucky I received this email today and checked my inbox. Wait, it is because you are laid up in bed that you are able to enjoy AndyPagana.com? Andy, I think it is time to call Tanya Harding. I think your fans need some skating lessons.

Go back and read the old stuff…

I know you haven’t read it all. I know it. So why would I post new stuff if you haven’t read what I’ve already given you? “pearls to pigs”

And I thought I Was Just Being Cute

But apparently ‘echoey’ is a real word.

What Happened to Me?

I used to think I was going to change the world. Now I am proud of myself if from one day to the next I manage to just change my pants.

My First Oil Painting

Here’s a reaction I got from someone seeing this:

Wow
You look trapped and scared
I love how your hands are just ghosted in
And your face is painted with such monstrous colors -
Makes me think of the Frankenstein monster…
Actually he also was lonely, alone, scared, misunderstood, and just trying to get through this life he didn’t ask for

The Owls are outside my window

Damn it!! For the past two mornings I have been waking up to Owls hooting outside my window. I refuse to look. It is terrifying.

I Have a Really Dumb Friend…

I am right handed. But here is a left handed portrait I did of myself using only three colors… Blue, Brown and ORANGE!!! Why would I do such a stupid thing, you ask? Good question. Why would I? Well, it started like this… the other day I was screwing around, doing some spontaneous ‘artwork’, experimenting with pencil, gouache on canvas (gouache apparently doesn’t like canvas), some acrylic paint and black india ink. I came up with a few quick little things…

Okay, now, in full disclosure, I hate the last two. I’m not even sure why. But regardless, I did them. It didn’t take long and I had some fun. It was a study for me. I was not looking for masterpieces. Just study. I even began experimenting with my signature. So, I went to a friend of mine who really annoys me to ask for his thoughts. HE BLASTED ME. He HATED them. HATED!!! He told me some bull about me relying on the same way I have always painted and bla bla bla. So, he said I need to take three colors… orange, brown and blue and paint something. He told me to paint three things. I have only had time to do one. (Top) And look at it? WTF?? I can’t show this to anyone. So I thought I’d put it somewhere safe… a place where no one would ever see it. And that’s how it ended up here on my website.

Now, I tried to talk to this dumb friend of mine about this but he doesn’t even return my phone calls. What kind of friend of Andy is he? Doesn’t like my stuff (Doesn’t sound like an Andyfriend to me), doesn’t return my phone calls (again, not Andyfriend behavior) and steers me in a direction that gives me… THAT! (See above painting)

What the hell is happening??

BUSTED!!!!!!!

Through my quick reflexes I totally caught this guy trying to push over a parking meter. I must’ve scared him off because he immediately took off like a bat out of hell.

This Is All I Have To Say About This!

Posted by AndyFan: Yes, I too am back. And we all know who he is pissed at.