Andrew (Andy) Pagana

As you all know, I hate sports. HATE!! (I’m using the word HATE here… ) But there has always been a soft spot in my heart for Jumpin’ Joe DiMaggio, The Brooklyn Dodgers, Mickey Mantle (Just because his name is Mickey — oh an Marilyn Monroe), the Yankess (of course) and Bob Feller. “Who the hell is Bob Feller?” you ask, I’m sure. Well, I have no idea how famous he was as a baseball player, but in the world of comedy, Bob Feller was lucky enough to have had Abbott and Costello do an entire bit about him on the famous “Who’s on First” radio broadcast of ‘The Abbott and Costello Show” sponsored by Camel Cigarettes. (Hahahaha) Here’s the end of the bit. I’m too lazy to transcribe the entire bit. (Where the hell are my interns? Or Andyfan?)

Abbott: His name is Feller! Feller! Bob Fellers! And when I say they’re’s only one Fellers on the team, that’s it. And the feller that pitches is Feller. There’s only… there’s other fellers on the team, but they’re’s uh… they’re’s only one Feller.

Costello: Boy, are you mixed up! Oh, you mean the feller that pitches is Feller and they’re’s other fellers on the team but they’re not Fellers.

Abbott: Now you grasp it!

Costello: Yes! I grasp it, but it keeps slipping out of my hand!

Anyway, today he died at 92 years old.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eytDJF7mblQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjzU7iGe7wc

This is Andy’s (and Schwartzy’s) review of Harry Potter 7, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Posted by AndyFan: I have no idea who Bill is or why he is fighting in the Revolutionary War (dude, we won, unless you are British in which case you lost and we kicked your ass), but conspirator or not, I am all ears “sis.”  So who is coming to this conference? Don’t worry, I’ll take pictures for Andy if the evil owls are still interrogating him.

Posted by AndyFan: OK, I know Andy may be all tied up right now, and he has his own hooters to deal with, but I thought I would give in to “sis” for a moment and change the tone with a little rant. OK, a big rant. Who the abc’ing bleep is efd’ing Ines Sainz? Simon says go the eff away. I hope for Andy’s sake that this story has not made it to California and is simply an East Coast post game hangover mistake, but if it has people—COME ON NOW! Is it because she is hot? Really? Is that why we have made this news? And I don’t mean in the oh-I-get-it-it’s-a-mass-appeal-tabloid-story-kind-of-non-news-story-story. I mean it in the what-the-effing-eff-are-we-talking-about-here-story? For the uninitiated and Andy, if he happens to be hanging around a tele to watch, Miz Ines Sainz is a Mexican sports reporter. Before this week I would have taken that to mean a Mexican soccer fan, (a Mexican Football fan for the unamerican), but it urns out Mexico actually has a reason to have a blond, bootilicious, big-breasted, bombshell sports reporter. I haven’t figured out just yet why that is, but they have one. All that aside I am so mad right now I am not even going to get into the fact that she expects to be taken seriously wearing what she does. At least seriously at what she does for a living. And for all you feminists, I feel the same way about so-called business men in short sleeved button down business shirts. Well not the same way, but I don’t take them seriously. For gods sake man, put on a sleeve or two. But I drift.

OK, so earlier this week Ines caused an uproar in the New York Jets camp (they play football Andy, the American kind, I’ll explain it below) when she declared she was offended at the treatment she received when she entered the locker room to interview somebody who does something on the team. Now in order for this to be a story someone had to report on it. There in lies my rant.

What the effing bloody eff are we talking about here people? Ines was harassed about her ass by a bunch of men who throw around dead pigs and pile on top of each other in large groups. If it wasn’t a horrible vision to call that borderline primal erotic behavior, I would say it out loud. What exactly did she think was going to happen when she entered the locker room wearing booty pants that would make Beyonce blush? Apparently outside on the field players threw out of bounds passes so they could run by the Mexican enchantress. Throwing passes is now harassment?  In football? Out of bounds or not, I would think the Jets could stand to complete some passes. She is lucky they didn’t pile on top of her right there on the field. We are talking two steps from Neanderthals here. They run into each other for sport. Even animals in the wild have made that kind of behavior politically incorrect. If this was ancient Rome the only cat calls heard would be the lions pouncing on the gladiators. In fact, if this were ancient Rome it wold be the equivalent of Marcus Tumnus the gladiator walking past the lions cages below the arena with a big old gaping cut down his arm dripping blood and having the food deprived lions growling at him. Then upon coming onto the field having the lions swarm him because they liked what they smelled down below. To top it of, the great Ceaser would call the gladiator to apologize for the lions behavior, as they should have known better. Holy shit my head hurts.

There are three possible outcomes of this story. One, Andy has yet to hear of Ines Sainz and is pissed I focused on sports as a topic. Two, Andy has heard of Ines and is happy I focused on attacking sports as a topic. Or third, he stopped reading at hooters and is three pages into a Google image search of Ines Sainz as you read this.

Posted by AndyFan: Is it just me or are the comments by “said” sister sounding more and more like a government cover up of the owl conspiracy that seems to have plagued California and may be moving east (owls always fly on a westerly wind, where they originate is still a mystery, possibly the redwoods)? Who wouldn’t be worried about Andy? Who would attack this blog for being single focused? Who would dare not let this story unfold? The New York Times isn’t going to cover this, it’s too important! My fear is that either California has fallen into the Pacific (in which case Andy I say you claim it as Andyland and stake a flag in the ground immediately) or as I have said before THE OWLS HAVE TAKEN ANDY!

So “sis,” we will drag this out as long as we want to. Who’s gonna stop us?

Posted by AndyFan: Seriously. Do any of you? The owls. Does anyone see the correlation? I mean THE OWLS. Who the hell forgot about the owls? They  run the first four chapters. OK, three of the first four chapters. They may go even further but I am only up to chapter five. Even I forgot about the owls until I read it again. But still. How could we ALL forget the owls? How many times have we read book six? Maybe not as often as book two, or one if you are a purist. But if you are a purist you probably don’t know what I am talking about. Or only know half of what I am talking about. But at the very least you should know about the owls. The effing owls. Where is Andy?

Posted by AndyFan: Four of the little effers. And I got em all. It’s like they are multiplying. I keep seeing them everywhere. And not on my long walks in the middle of the night through prince infested forests. I mean everywhere. Tattoos are nothing, these effers are starting to scare me too.

Posted by AndyFan: So they have returned. To make it worse, I haven’t heard from Andy in quite some time now so I am a little worried about the situation (no, not that idiot who hangs out with Pauly Shore). I know, you have heard this all before. But seriously people, if we all worried about Andy a little more often he would feel better and then we wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. (Wait! That’s not right. Oh balls.) So either they got him or he must be very busy carving scars into the flesh of Hollywood. I mean typically he would call just to complain that I wasn’t using his name enough in my posts, I mean Andys’ name in my posts (had I been writing posts for him these past few months). But I haven’t heard hide nor feather from him, I mean Andy, in weeks. I refuse to believe he, I mean Andy, is just lying low and remaining silent (yes Andy, the earth just laughed for you). Even if he, Andy, was carousing with some guys, I would think we would here about it. Since we all know he, Andrew, can’t remain quiet this long, and why would he as he, Andy, has so much to share, I can only come to one conclusion, there is snow in my wardrobe and the owls have returned.

I say this because, well, the owls have returned. I have seen not one, but two new hooters in recent weeks. And the old funny looking one never left. So that’s not one, not two, but three owls sightings. To quote my six year old cousin when she heard the Jonas Brothers were retiring, WTF!! Do I really need three owls floating around at the same time. Yes, they float. Have you ever seen one fly? Me neither. Have you ever seen owl prints on the ground? Me neither. Thus, owls float. It is quite logical. Levitate from trees, actually. Can spin their heads around 360 degrees too. Which is hot. I mean a lot. Freaks me out every time I see them do it. Which would be three at this point.

So my fear is that they have captured Andy (what else would owls flying around California do this time of year) and have him strung up in some meat locker in a constant state of anxiety. In order for the world to not find out, the West Coast owls (they are very persuasive) have sent letters to the East Coast owls (no, via the US Postal Service, you people watch too many movies) and arranged the immediate capture of yours truly, AndyFan (I guess you knew who I was already, sorry). But you see, I am not going to have it. I was taught years ago what to do with stray random owls making a move on innocent victims. Shoot em. No, no, no. Not with a gun. That is illegal in most states (or maybe it’s legal, but it sounds terribly messy). I mean take their picture. Shot em with a camera. It disorients them. You don’t even need a flash. Their piercing eyes can actually see the shutter as you take the picture. For some reason it stops them from blinking. Which stops them from putting helpless bloggers in a trance. Which keeps the hope alive that one day I can get outta Warshingten fast and find our fearless, though maybe hogtied by ravenous owls (can that be?), hanging-from-a-hook-hero.

Posted by AndyFan: We have let our fans down. This is a horrible and sad day. Andy would cry if he thought that he was affected by this at all. We feel very bad that some people are laid up in bed with a cast, but seriously, you act as if this stuff just happens by magic. Well, only Andy knows the spell and he refuses to wave his wand around (did I really just say that?) without good reason. In his absence however I will say this, we are thinking of you and send our very best in hopes that you recover soon so that you can continue enjoying Andy as every good citizen should. By we I mean the organization that is AndyPagana.com. By organization I mean you are so lucky I received this email today and checked my inbox. Wait, it is because you are laid up in bed that you are able to enjoy AndyPagana.com? Andy, I think it is time to call Tanya Harding. I think your fans need some skating lessons.