Andrew (Andy) Pagana

RATED R Posted by AndyFan: I am going out on a limb here because I have never seen Andy drink Dr Pepper, so he may take this as nothing to do with him. But in fact, this post has everything to do with him. In fact, you can swap out anything in place of the Dr. Pepper and you have the essence of what makes Andy tick. At least Angry Andy. And sometimes Angry Andy is the most fun Andy. So long as he is not Angry at you. Or me. Let’s face it, I really don’t care if he is Angry at you, you most likely deserved it. So, in what is sure to be an ongoing section here at AndyPagana.com, I will now describe my Friday night and how the Spirit of Andy Compelled Me.

I won’t get into my choice of Dr Pepper vs other fine cola drinks, that is most certainly more about me than Andy and will only warrant a low grade when he returns, but I do on many occasions enjoy the Doctor over say Coca-Cola. A cola is a cola is a cola. NO. Not true. Each has there own taste and each is different from the other. I will grant that there is so much sugar in all of them that after a few cans it starts to taste the same, much like wine or beer, but every soda pop starts out with their own particular punch.

So on Friday night as I partook in a fine can of Pepper, I noticed the tag line “Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors” The “23” was really large. At that moment Andy possessed my being and I uttered, too myself as no one was there to listen (nor would they if they were around), the following diatribe. The rant went something like this (add in had gestures and lots of extra cursing):

What the F$#K does Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors mean? Seriously, why are there 23 flavors advertised on the can? I want one flavor, DR FUCKING PEPPER flavor. I looked on the ingredient list and there was the normal roster of suspects: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup and/or sugar (who are they kidding, really, how bogus is that, it’s just the HFCS), caramel color (why not the caramel flavor too, why not a 24th flavor, why stop at 23?), phosphoric acid, artificial and natural flavors (WTF!!), sodium benzoate (preservative), and (last but certainly not least) caffeine. Ok, so we start out with water, no flavor at all. So why is it in there? Is the list of ingredients a part of the 23 authentic flavor combination? Who do I ask this question too? It’s very misleading. I am not sure if I should start counting the ingredients as flavors or if they provided no flavor at all. The sugar bullshit is just beyond insulting. They haven’t used sugar in that drink since 1950 I am sure. And how can you have it say high fructose corn syrup OR sugar? They don’t taste the same. I have eaten sugar, it’s not the same as corn syrup, let alone high fructose corn syrup. How can it be authentic if it is one or the other? Which one is authentic, high fructose corn syrup or sugar? I would assume sugar, since I don’t think that high fructose corn syrup was used in 1885 when Dr. Pepper T Pepperton invented the drink. And if that is the case, how the hell can it be authentic if it contains high fructose corn syrup? Or should I be reasoning that the ingredients provide no flavor at all and I have to figure out what the “authentic” flavors are? The caramel color is apparently just color, or they would say caramel. But since they use high fructose corn isn’t that really caramel now anyway? Corn syrup is a major ingredient in caramel, so if you have the color, and a good part of the flavor (HFCS), then don’t you now have caramel in the drink? Or have they figured out a way to keep the two separate in the can? Is that part of how they come up with 23 authentic flavors. Maybe each flavor is floating around separately in the can. Which is kind of gross. I don’t want anything floating around in the can. What the fuck is that about? After the color comes the acid. So I am either getting high or burning a hole in my stomach. I think it is the latter, but a Dr. did invent this stuff, so maybe I am getting high. I will skip the artificial and natural flavors for a moment and move on to the sodium benzoate. I have a hard time believing “sodium benzoate” was authentic in 1885. It doesn’t even sound authentic now. Lets just call it salt. Why is everything so complicated? It’s salt people! OK, moving on. If the acid didn’t get you high, the caffeine will help jump start it back into high gear (how many of these things did I drink?). Again, how exactly did they add caffeine in 1885. I am beginning to think this whole concoction is anything but authentic. Returning to the “artificial and natural flavors,” what kind of bull kocka is that? So every other ingredient is listed to its fullest and then we get to the flavors and it becomes vague? And what other kind of flavors could it be? Can’t it only be artificial or natural? Why not just say flavors? And can artificial flavors be authentic? I don’t think they can. They are fucking artificial. Since they are differentiating between artificial and natural, shouldn’t they say 12 artificial flavors and 11 natural flavors? But this brings me back to my original point, isn’t the flavor Dr Pepper flavor? Say artificial and natural ingredients? WTF?

So, this was my Friday night. What, you expected more on a Friday night? I have gotten yelled at enough this week by Andy, I don’t need any more of that? He is already taking a liking to this blogdom and is asking me to do more for him, so I don’t have time to go out on the town. That is for Andy. Who, by the way, was only gone for the weekend. Somebody misled me again. First I am told he is going away for three days over Easter and turns out he was gone for four. This time I was told he was going away until Tuesday and apparently he is wondering what I am doing. Gawd, can’t a guy catch a break? Someone give me a Dr Pepper.

Posted by AndyFan: The title of this post just came to me one morning, early, very early, after Andy called to complain. Not about me, he does that here. Well, he does that to me directly too, especially if I don’t answer my cell phone. He has this weird rule about my having a cell phone, if he calls I should always answer. “Why do you have a cell phone, you never answer it?” is a phrase uttered several times a day. Obviously it is so I can be berated, duh. Regardless, I got off the phone and started to sing this verse, these are the only words that I know.

If you have ever had the fortune (of living) to tell about driving with Andy, you may have at one point or another heard him sing these very words. Let’s just call him a loose driver, sometimes too loose. This song keeps him in line. I never really knew what the reference was but I have often thought about Andy and uttered these words to myself, in complete solitude mind you (this may be bordering on obsession, but I will leave that to the professional help). It turns out it is the official song of Idaho, I mean Kentucky. According to Wikipedia, “‘Blue Moon of Kentucky’ is a waltz written in 1946 by bluegrass musician Bill Monroe and recorded by his band, The Blue Grass Boys. The song has since been recorded by Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline,^[1] Ronnie Hawkins, Rory Gallagher, LeAnn Rimes, Paul McCartney, Boxcar Willie, Ray Charles, Jerry Reed and others.” They left off Andy Pagana on the list, but I have to assume it is because he may only know the one line, I have never heard him sing more that that. But by this point we are swerving around another “bad” driver that Andy is yelling at to get off the road. Andy does that quite a bit. I still get the pleasure thanks to his bluetooth.

It is funny that one phrase can remind you so much of a person. Especially when you have no idea what the phrase is, have never heard another human being sing it (or animal if you are asking) and only associate it to a certain moment. I will find myself singing it as I work on this blog and think about the Andy from July 16th, 1993, or the Andy from late 2006. He hasn’t posted any photos of that Andy yet, but let me tell you, they are something. All pictures of Andy are something.

Posted by AndyFan: I guess that makes me First Mate. You are the owner of the armada, so you call the shots. But you can’t be Captain of all your ships. And it still holds true, no one will ever take care of your fleet like I do, Oh Captain, My Captain. Bon Voyagy!

And here is a picture to prove it. (Plus, when was the last time anyone called YOU Captain?) And no, I have not yet left. AND I am keeping my eye on you. 

Posted by AndyFan: Andy may own the ship, but I am the captain here people. Word has it, straight from the horses mouth actually, that there are little birdies whispering words of mutiny into Andy’s ear. I don’t know who you are birdies, but watch your bird seed. To fire me is to end this all. Sure, Andy could find another to replace me, but no one will ever adore him like I do (nor answer his 3AM calls). There is a pacing here people. He feels ignored but it is quite the opposite, I have done nothing but think of him the whole time I have been silent. It is for his own good. He grows bored with the same thing over and over and over. Even praise. Well, he doesn’t get bored with it, he just gets bored by the same praise, so it makes it harder to praise him from day to day when he demands more and better praise each morning (and make no mistake, he accepts praise in the afternoon, evening and at night as well). By stepping aside, it energizes him, excites him, gives him a feeling of power, whether he knows it or not. I am working the old Hollywood magic on him. Not this newfangled, adopt a baby every six months, be on the cover of US Weekly weekly kind of exposure. That wears off. People get bored. Soon enough you’re adopting two babies a year and giving birth to octuplets through a surrogate, just to get some attention. And you have so many children that you need to go on food stamps. I am saving Andy work here people, so you need to work with me. Let him know that AndyFan loves him, let him know that you love him for the auteur that he is, not just because he is a blast to have around, otherwise this would just be a big ego trip for him. And Andy is above that. He doesn’t want eight babies stealing his thunder, but he is still above all that. Just ask Andy at me@andypagana.com. Give him time to respond, he gets tons of Andymail.

At least that is the story I am going with today. Since Andy is out of town for a few days I have plenty of time to wow him with the posts to come. Hopefully he will not refute any of this, but if he does, it’s more mileage for me. You did leave already, right?

I was still 17. I drove to a secluded little house in upstate NY where I was invited to watch the shooting of Robert Redford’s movie ‘Quiz Show’. I sat about 4 feet away from him and watched him direct. I drew him in my journal. (Thank goodness he didn’t look) The shoot was about as organized as one of my high school movie productions. (As most of you were not  part of one of them, I will leave you wondering if that was organized or not). Redford was a very nice guy. I made him laugh. Michael Ballhaus, the DP, even let me offer him suggestions. He didn’t take them. Rob Morrow, one of the friendliest celebrities I ever happened across, talked my ear off about a book he was publishing of photos from the set of Northern Exposure. Ralph Fiennes, yet to be known from Schindler’s List was also a great guy. A peaceful, fun shoot. For two days I got to go and watch. I even convinced Redford’s masseuse to give me a rub. (I was quite charming in those days) I had to take off my brown fedora because I was drawing too much attention so I wore the hat Redford wore in ‘The Natural’. He appreciated that.

Oh yeah… look how skinny I was.

I have no real time to tell you guys about my day, but since Andyfan must be dead somewhere I will have to pick up his slack. (S.O.B.!!) Yet, I have no time for you. (Maybe YOU should be picking up Andyfans slack!! ) And even though I don’t have any time for you I feel obligated to give you something. So I pick the easiest thing I can… For your amusement. Here is a picture of me from January 2009. I’m sorry I could only find one with some friends in it. At least, they are good friends. (Notice Andyfan is not in the photo.) Enjoy. I hope this gives you enough to go until next time. Maybe I should tell you my thoughts about how hard it is to find 5 minutes to write for you while I’m battling all kinds of things, including broken computers. (Lousy “technology”. Go back to the stone ages where you belong) Also, I find the things I really want to say I can’t as… well, I am highly opinionated and people do not like hearing the truth.

But I refuse to rant.

For not picking up the slack from my absence. Shame on you.

Posted by AndyFan: I am not typicaly satisfied with a B+, but lately the stress of trying to make Andy proud of the accomplishments we have been making has been, well, overwhelming. I mean seriously, in just a few short weeks we have spread Andy around the world. Andy loves to travel, but unless you have a five star hotel, a jacuzzi, and a masseuse he really doesn’t have any reason to leave the confines of the United States Highway system and the fine eating establishments between New York and California. He makes these trips to survey his territory. He has marked it all as his territory. I have seen him. This is the land that he will rule one day, one day very soon. Until then he is satisfied with being King of Andyland. Andyland being the area immediately around Andy at any given moment of the day. Don’t look at it as his own “personal space,” think of it more like the da Vinci illustration of the perfect proportions of man, see below. Place Andy in there, add an extra outer ring of about two or three feet and you have the approximate area that Andy needs to breathe. Yes breathe.  For maximum comfort, add another ring with an extra five feet in diameter and you have space for his coffee or tea, depending on his mood. Oh, and a donut when he gets the urge. Place a television (been around longer than 50 years, he is quite satisfied with that invention) just outside the farthest ring, throw into the inner most ring whatever remotes need to be used, and you have what is known as Andyland. That and the several dozen locations across America that Andy has pieces of his empire stored away. Technically he is squatting and will claim said locations as King and add it to Andyland when the time is right. Think of it like his own little Puerto Ricans, I mean Ricos. And while he is King and will make the trip outside America, but not without good reason, I can safely say you may never see Andy in France. Sorry France, it’s really not you. I swear. It’s this weird WWII surrender thing that he takes offense at. I have tried to explain it to him over and over again, but he just will not listen. You could talk to him about it but you speak French and he thinks that is part of the problem. You most likely speak American, I mean English, too, but with a French accent. That again is a problem. And your movies, they are too, French. He does love The Pink Panther, but I am not sure that is a compliment. You almost had him with French Fries, but then we found out that they are actually Belgian, so you kinda lost out there. Twice actually. Once for not inventing the French Fry, twice for finding a way to falsely name them after your country. Normally he would think this pretty ingenious, but you are French, so he won’t give you the satisfaction. Maybe it is your fault, maybe it is your fault, but since we are now worldwide, you have the opportunity to make a case for Andy to love you like he loves everyone else who loves him. Comment, respond, send him emails, tell him what you are missing for not having the pleasure of Andy in your life. He likes that. He likes any kind of attention. And that is why, though not happy with a B+, we are getting worldwide attention (that is why they call it the worldwide web afterall), and that makes me happy. That may have just cost me an A, but it was worth it. Damn, A- if I am lucky.

Oh, there is one thing that Andy does love that is French. The word masseuse. He loves that word. Unfortunately most often when he visits one they are Chinese, and the Chinese love Andy.

Okay… I had every intention of writing a nice little post this morning, until I read Andyfan’s first post about the owl that is following him. Don’t be so sure it’s plastic Andyfan… they’re damn tricky. Anyway, this threw my entire day off. Damn! I need to respond to this. They’re out to get me I’m sure. And now they’re looking at places I will try to hide from them in the future. They’re already there. So, I was shaken by this news and thought of how to deal with it. Maybe if I ignore the owl it will go away. So I left my computer on assignment to take some photographs for a job I am doing. (Yes, I do work). And as I was photogging the objects of my attention, a chill ran up my spine and VIOLA!

 This was directly behind me, on a table, staring right at my back. Eyeing me. Watching me. Warning me. Of what, I do not know.

It through me into a whirl. I got light headed. Dizzy. Anxious. I left the dwelling and headed out onto the highway where I was scattered and nervous. Feelings ran through me I cannot describe. And as I pulled off the exit I stopped at a light and looked over and saw this sign… and by sign I mean sign as in Omen. It just happens to be that the sign is, itself, two signs…

What the??? Look at this. Can you see what I’m seeing? There is only one way for me to go… the WRONG WAY!!! Now, before you think I’m reading too much into this, I need you to… well… Okay… I can’t continue here because you’re just not ready for what I have to say here. But God has spoken to me in signs before, VERY RARELY, but it has happened. IS this a sign from him, to me, about my life? I can’t say. And it’s not because I don’t know, it’s because, well, I already said why. You’re not ready. Trust me. You’re not. I’ll get into it one day, Im sure. If I make it to one day. We’ll see. 

Needless to say, I was fascinated by this sign of signs. It reminded me of a similar sign I got last weekend, that I haven’t shared as I do not yet have the photo in my possession. When I get it, I will share it. But it changed me. Really changed me. There is something happening in the secret and hidden worlds around me that I cannot explain. When I returned to my place of business I received what appears to be good news and went out with my coworkers to celebrate at Bob’s Big Boy. And look…

I posed for one of my belly pictures at the suggestion of a loyal reader of this blog. Good job fan! Good job! This was a turning point in the day as I bared my barrel for the world. (You’re welcome.) Which reminds me.. there will be more belly photos coming soon, both classic and new.

I spend the rest of the day reeling from the events. So finally I read Andyfan’s newest post, which, although I appreciate his sentiments, spent too little time talking about me. It’s good to know I am all over his computer, but I do not need to know if he has a great Auntie Rosie. That’s too much information going the wrong way. Yet the message is as true as can be. I too am tired of being questioned about Andy Pagano. Andy whaaa??? That’s not even a real name or product. Learn to spell, google!! And come to think of it, I hate when I am asked a question and there is no place to answer. Just a bunch of bull…! I think all rhetorical questions should be abolished, don’t you.?!! And yes, I do like things simple, which so far this interweb thing has not been. (I’m not sure what gmail is but I am certain that I am cool for NOT playing it.) I give Andyfan a B+ for the two-post effort but have to take points away for mention the unmentionable. – “Minority Report”. It makes me shutter as much as Owls. 

Now, I have lost my train of though so I end transmission.