Posted by AndyFan: …but I have been pissed since I was five years old that those stupid French movies didn’t have an animated pink cat throughout, so on with show. Rest in Peace Mr. Edwards, you would have liked Andy.
Posted by AndyFan: We have let our fans down. This is a horrible and sad day. Andy would cry if he thought that he was affected by this at all. We feel very bad that some people are laid up in bed with a cast, but seriously, you act as if this stuff just happens by magic. Well, only Andy knows the spell and he refuses to wave his wand around (did I really just say that?) without good reason. In his absence however I will say this, we are thinking of you and send our very best in hopes that you recover soon so that you can continue enjoying Andy as every good citizen should. By we I mean the organization that is AndyPagana.com. By organization I mean you are so lucky I received this email today and checked my inbox. Wait, it is because you are laid up in bed that you are able to enjoy AndyPagana.com? Andy, I think it is time to call Tanya Harding. I think your fans need some skating lessons.
Posted By AndyFan: I only bring it up because I am quite sure it may be the one expanse of land that our great hero has yet to travel. I am sure he would have mentioned it to me if he had. He gets a good giggle out of this kind of thing. I am not sure who named this place, but they must have been high on the peyote when they did. If you are having a hard time (go ahead Andy, I did that for you) figuring it out, spell it out slow like. Now remember, many times foreign phrases translate out of order, all yoda like. Set Upon A… I took 3.2 seconds to look for a rooster, upon not finding one I was outta there.
Posted By AndyFan: The problem goes by the name of Bridge, our videogrunt. I think he may be dyslexic. Which is the only reason why he still has a job. That and he knows how to cross that gorge that separates AndyPagana.com from the world of YouTube as if he were the George Warshingten, well, Bridge… But his dyslexia has played havoc with an entire summer of posts. I look bad in our heroes eyes because Bridge swapped a few words in my first mission critical message, thereby rendering our pages blank, that is until Andy started recollecting about his Picasso years (Boss, technically the Picasso Museum owns them, they own everything Picasso put his hands on. Thank god all those women are dead!). I told Bridge, “I don’t care what you do next, post the donut image first.” He heard “I don’t care what you do next, do not post the first image.” You can see where things went all wrong. If not than you need more help than Bridge and this blog is surely not enough to help you get you through your day.
None the less, as I stated yesterday, AndyFan was on a mission (people, get with it, I am AndyFan and I like to refer to myself in the third person, I haven’t been gone that long) and this mission brought him all over the globe. Well, he brought a globe with him all over, he didn’t have time to buy a map and the car was leaving, so he grabbed the globe off of his sisters table and carried it under his arm as he traveled from one city to the next. You don’t want to know how many times he was told that the globe was outdated. His response was, “now, now you want to discuss world politics? I don’t care if the Soviet Union is no longer the USSR, is Georgia still in the United States? Can you point me to Georgia.” Ok, the globe was very old, and the words were all worn off. But it got him from point A to point B, regardless of his knowing what town A was or if he should have crossed the tracks in B. I am here and that is all that matters.
I did find a few D&Ds around the globe. I don’t think America “Runs” On Dunkin though. Those globular people weren’t running anywhere. This shot was half way between points M and O, I skipped N, just because. One of these days I will get the framing right. Oh, boss, do they all taste unleaded?
Posted By AndyFan: Andy would say, why were you gone, but we will let him stew in my return and give me the lashings I deserve. Contrary to rumors being spread through the interweb (thanks Andy) I was in fact not on holiday but out researching and collecting all across this great land of ours. It took some time. I had to work my way from town to town. No literally. I had to work a few days here and a few days there to save enough money to make it to the next town. We don’t really have a budget here at AndyPagana.com so it was kind of a personal project that I felt would enhance the whole Andy Experience (you will not be disappointed, that is an order). In all it was quite an adventure. I labored in an organic farm; did some residential home repair in a damp castle dungeon; helped decorate a mansion overlooking a great valley (still not sure how I got that job); and worked at a day care taking care of toddlers. The most beneficial experience I attained this summer however, was being enlisted in a small but elite group of militia from somewhere between that east and west coast. I am sworn to secrecy on that one. No really, not the Andy-I-am-gonna-tell-the-world-but-they-all-promised-to-keep-their-mouths-shut kind of secrecy (I don’t care if Picasso is dead Andy, it’s still wrong), I am talking the real CIA-I-could-be-killed-if-I-told-you-any-more-than-I-already-have kind of secrecy. It’s really secret kind of secrecy (no, if he wanted those printed he would have left them to Claude). But I am at liberty to tell you about my experiences, so long as I don’t mention names, locations, ranks, or anything that would give away the whereabouts of those little ninjas. It was a loose little outfit that mixed eastern and western warfare tactics. They said I needed to come back for three consecutive boot camps if I wanted to join full time. Not sure why. They kept saying my teeth were too full. Very strange guidelines they go by.
Anyway, I am back and there will be more to come about my military adventures. I was able to dig up some good stuff about our hero while I was enlisted. In fact, I don’t think I would have found a thing if it weren’t for my friends in uniform. I would have been gone a lot longer on my search. Which, by the way, reminds me. Andy, did you lay off videogrunt? I sent him material all summer and he didn’t post a single bit of it. Why is it so hard to get good help? Videogrunt, I am looking for you. You have some splainen to do.
Posted By Videogrunt: Hi Sir, AndyFan said you would know what today was and that it should be a great one. I hope this makes sense. I don’t know Sir, AndyFan is kind of confusing. I can’t make sense of what he is doing, He hired me and then took off. I enjoy working for you, you are funny. But he said I can not call you directly. I have to go through him and just wait for orders. Seems to have a lot of rules for the sake of having rules. He said he is on his way back. He did say that the mission was a success and that new material would start again on Monday. In the meantime he said Bert would sing you a song. What ever that means. Should I be singing Sir? He also said to make sure Chris doesn’t lose your keys. The day is very early.
Posted by Videogrunt for AndyFan who phoned it in since he is off doing Who Knows What: We will get into Action Park one day soon, I promise. It may just be the subject of several posts in fact. Even a Spirit of Andy Compells Me. Watching Wipeout last night brought this on. If you don’t know Action Park, well then consider yourself one of the lucky. If you missed Wipeout last night, then you are unfortunate. Not as unfortunate as Andy, he didn’t win $50,000 dollars (I think that was redundant). He has talked about his loathe of sports in the past. We even have a whole category dedicated to it. HE HATES SPORTS! Let this not be mistaken. Do not be fooled by his participation in certain sport-like activities. He loves competition. He will get so side tracked by a good competitive jaunt that he will forget that he is participating in a sport-like activity. But make no mistake, sports he hates. Second to sports, he hates cold water. Wipeout. Wipeout contains them both. And mud. But he likes mud. So long as it is warm. Or body temperature. Either way, it is fine. Cold. No. Andy no like. So in true what the hell was I thinking fashion, Andy showed up for what was dubbed the “Fall Star” Episode of Wipeout. Now you all know I love a good ball joke, but this had us (yes, I am referring to myself in group terms now) on the edge of our seats as we watched in fear that our beloved hero might have found his true kryptonite, COLD WATER SPORTS. But fear not, Andy took that ball by the horn and just pounced on top of it. Using his skills of submersion he slipped past any danger and right into deep blue. Like Arnold in Predator, Andy used the coating of mud to shield himself from his enemy, allowing enough time to get out of the cold water before his defenses were down. And the hat stayed on by the way. Carry on brave hero, carry on.
Posted by videogrunt: Uh, I am not really supposed to do this. AndyFan left explicit directions for me to never post to the blog except for videos that Andy has requested be uploaded. But the phone has been ringing off the hook for days and I keep wanting to pick up when Andy calls, but that I was told was forbidden. I don’t know where he is Andy, he said something about a mission and then disappeared a few days ago. I am sure he knows you are looking for him. Send me any videos you have, it’s an honor to be working for you. Oh, the cattle are fine.