Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Posted by AndyFan: It is not often Andy calls with a pressing need of calamitous proportions. Rarely if we are counting, or rarely do we count, I am not quite sure, Andy nor I do well with math, just ask his well-paid accountant (who says there is no money in the budget to pay an Andy or an AndyFan) or sit down and have a conversation with Andy about the National Debt Ceiling. He will expound about simply getting a few illegal aliens at reduced rates to tear down the existing one and put up a higher one. They’ll have the job done in three days tops. But as for calamity, Andy tries with all of his might to stay clear of the sauce. However, once in a moon he does call to vent or seek consul from his trusted AndyFan when he has dipped his chips in it. The last such incident went as such:

Andy: “AndyFan, I have a problem.”

AndyFan: “You know I have a name right Andy?”

Andy: “Seriously, did I call to talk about your problems or mine?”

AndyFan: “Sorry Sir, what’s the problem?”

Andy: “I have a friend (for the sake of this conversation we will refer to said friend as “H”) who I think I upset.”

AndyFan: “Did H tell you he was upset?”

Andy: “No, I just know.”

AndyFan: “Did you do anything to make H upset?”

Andy: “That is irrelevant. What’s wrong with you?”

AndyFan: “Sorry, I am not sure how you want me to help if…”

Andy: “I want to know how to make said friend understand me like you do?”

AndyFan: “Sorry, I don’t follow.”

Andy: “Typically.”

AndyFan: “Sorry?”

Andy: “You should be.”

AndyFan: “Sir?”

Andy: “Look, how do I get my friends, especially H, to take it like you do.”

AndyFan: “Take what?”

Andy: “Me. Andy. Seriously, are you paying attention or smoking something over there?”

AndyFan: “Well, Sir, I am a door mat. Says so on my business card. Not sure your friends are the same.”

Andy: “No, they certainly are not!”

AndyFan: “Why don’t you just apologize?”

Andy: “What are you smoking? Look, can you just post a little story about how I don’t like to upset my friends, least of all H?”

AndyFan: “But Sir, you told me never to post a falsitude.”

Andy: “True. Very True.”

Posted by AndyFan: There is always the other hand.

With a sad and painful cry heard all the way up the street, Andy broke the cardinal rule of Captain-hood the other night—a Captain never touches his own parts. At least not under the hood. Of a car. Or boat if you must. That is what the engineers are for. To touch the captains motor. To turn it on. Make it hum. YOU know what I am talking about. No? Oh, no, oh, sorry, Andy burned his arm.

The events of Monday night, or was it Sunday, the days just fly by don’t they? I think it is the recession. People get so distracted that time just floats by and nothing gets done. A sure sign of the times. The average person just has too much on their plate and can not stay focused. Oh, yeah, the events of the other night are fuzzy because I was half asleep when I got the call from our screaming captain as he was using gutter water to flush out his eyes and rinse his arm, as he waited for the paramedics I heard approaching in the background. Apparently through all that chatter I realized he did in fact burn himself. The professional people-repair people said there was really very little a real doctor could do for him, so he should count himself lucky he only received mild chemical burns, go home and tie one off.

The whole event begs the question though, why was Andy playing sports? I mean seriously, he hates sports. It says so over there on the right. Why would he decide to open the hood of his car and take part in some NASCAR-like event when there were not ten million people sitting around waiting for a bunch of cars to stop going around in circles to see who wins the race to change their tires the fastest? Or in this case who can open the radiator cap the quickest before any heat is lost and the steam turns back into liquid? Why? And people, I know you can’t be everywhere at all times, but one of you should have been there to remind Andy that the the engine of a car contains an engine. It’s mechanical. Andy does not do mechanical. He has people for that. Black or white, Mexican or Chinese, Indian or Esopian, Andy as people to take care of the things he has little time or skill for. It’s in his contract.

Please Andyfans with a little f, pay attention next time.

Posted by AndyFan as Andy was too shocked and dismayed to right this himself: I (read Andy, not AndyFan) went to delete you (you know who you are, you) from Facebook, and you (putz) had already deleted me (read Andy The Awesome). Eff you! Who the effing eff do you think you are, you eff? Eff Off!

Posted by AndyFan: Friends, Romans, countrymen, you all suck b@lls. Where are the praiseful words? Where are the scornful eyes? Envy? Disgust? Where is the violent reaction to Andy. He’s done things lately (and here, but we won’t talk a bout the parallels) and been cock blocked by unnamed blogs that exist this very day in Los Angles. Good or bad, but don’t be indifferent. Andy hates indifference. OK, he hates indifference when he is the subject. He tends to be indifferent towards many things but we all know they aren’t that interesting, otherwise Andy would be interested, and thus, not indifferent. I know you see what I am saying. Basic math my friends. Basic math.

Posted by AndyFan: Sometimes no matter how wrong something is, we are just compelled to try it anyway. Even if so many before us have failed. We forge on with the thought that maybe, just maybe, everyone else wasn’t trying hard enough. Maybe, quite possibly, they didn’t know what they were doing. This blog, for instance, started on such a whim. “No, it won’t be much work,” he said. “Really,” he responded, “are you sure?” “Absolutely! A few times a week and that is it,” he replies, “And once we get going it will be really easy. Think of all the readers!” You can discuss amongst yourself who he is and who he is not, but we know, and we are pissed. However, neither one of us is a quitter. (Ok we procrastinate like hell, but did we say we were giving up? NO! So sit down!) And in spite of a long and drawn out intermission, one in which the theater goers may have fallen asleep on the john, AndyFan was compelled to jump back in the saddle (are you really in the saddle or are you on the saddle, it is one of the stupider phrases we have turned around here). Upon the late night conversation that occurred as AndyFan failed to avoid another one of Andy’s calls, thus failing two fold as Andy would point out, AndyFan was bestowed an epiphany. And then he had a thought. Andy is a mad genius.

It is at times like these that AndyFan is the proudest to be Fan of Andy. It is precisely these instances that bring about entire shifts in the Andy universe. The ONLY universe. Radical landscape changes. Andy is not one for landscapes but he does enjoy a portrait or two (wait until I tell you what is coming!). Now AndyFan doesn’t know much about art but be does feel honored when Andy shares his with AndyFan. Since I am only “hired” help he could care less what I have to say. Such was the case when Andy talked over AndyFan as AndyFan was endowing kind words upon Andy for his latest post impressionistic masterpiece. Before you judge Andy for his disregard of artistic compliments (more is never really enough) understand he too was having an epiphany. “Oils and acrylics.” he evanglicized. “They don’t mix,” I told him (having painted my share of walls, thank you very much). “I know, but I gotta see for myself.” “But Andy, you get so frustrated when things don’t work.” “I know, I know, but I am compelled to try.”

Ladies and gentlemen, there in lies the reason The Spirit of Andy Compels Me and perhaps even this blog exists. We were compelled, we had a thought and thought you would want to know what we were thinking about Andy, because, well, Andy is so compelling. The Spirit lives on.

Posted by AndyFan: As I sit in my cave, pondering my next critical move, a knock on the door awoke me from my dreams of worldwide domination. No it wasn’t the FBI. They don’t read this site, they’re far more concerned with greater threats. No, the knock on the door, which caused a little shudder in my spine, was in fact our fearless leader. As I turned out the lights and did my best Marcel Marceau, Andy hollers, “I know you are in there you moron, I saw the light go out. You can’t hide from me! What have you been doing for 6 months? Where are my posts? Where is my support? What do I not pay you for? What kind of minion are you?”

We continued this discourse for the next five or ten minutes. He talking to an “empty” and dark apartment, through a tiny peepholed door, and me finding my best fetal position under the lowest desk—I figured if he got in he certainly wouldn’t bend over to find me. We came to the “understanding” that I was in fact being given one more chance to live up to the whims of a man who builds expectations from the fancies of his day. If I did not post something before he returned to the West Coast then I would in fact suffer the wrath of one thousand lashings—in other words he would tie me to a chair and finally make me watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I turned on the light as his rental car pulled out of the parking lot. The horn blasted as if he knew.

Posted by AndyFan: Jordan it’s not you, really, it’s Andy. Apparently you have known him long enough to know this, but don’t believe half of what he says or any of what he does. I think that is right. If not, trust no one. Sorry, we could have been such good friends.

Posted by AndyFan: Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s early people of Wisconsin. Get it together. Line the streets. Make some signs. Don’t lose out like Kansas. Toto will bite you in the ass come Christmas. Let Andy know you love him. He won’t be in town long. Once he deals with his cattle, he is outta there. Off to Detroit. One last attempt to rectify the mistake that Ford will forever regret.

Posted by AndyFan: Apparently Andy is having other henchmen do his dirty work these days. What started out as a pre-breakfast outing turned into a post dinner express ride clear across the country. Sorry Arizona, I would have warned you if I had the time. Not being one to repeat the same ride twice, Andy has decided to do a little sight seeing on this adventure, details to follow. And to top it off he has a driver. No, Andy is still the Captain, but this holiday season he is riding in style, First Mate Jordan at the wheel and Celebrity Guest and sometime one of Two Guys, sometime half of the world’s greatest comedy duo, Schwartzy in the rear cabin. And while you would think that being able to keep his hands off the wheel for 15 seconds would give him the opportunity to wish AndyFan a Happy Kwanza, no, you would think wrong again. Not even taking the calls of his #1 Fan, Andy has passed on the duties of tormenting to Schwartzy, who makes Andy on his worst day look like Gandhi. In typical fashion, the level of expectation  of go-to-it-ness was displayed when Schwartzy, in need of some personal assistance, reached out to AndyFan (it’s the cheeks). Having less time then it takes Andy to inhale a D&D 20 oz  to check my email for the expected file, Schwartzy called back to tell me he got it done himself and my services were no longer needed, and since I was on the phone, my position was terminated. Finally for Andy, my lack of paying attention is paying off and he still had a blog slave.

Posted by AndyFan: I have no idea who Bill is or why he is fighting in the Revolutionary War (dude, we won, unless you are British in which case you lost and we kicked your ass), but conspirator or not, I am all ears “sis.”  So who is coming to this conference? Don’t worry, I’ll take pictures for Andy if the evil owls are still interrogating him.