Dec 10 2009

The Spirit of Andy Compels Me

Rated NC-17 because apparently this stuff is very taboo. Posted by AndyFan: What the effing eff is a reimagining? Seriously? Can someone tell me? No, right the eff right effing now? And while you are at it can you explain reboot to my simple little mind? No, really? I don’t get it. A computer gets rebooted. Or a hooker after a nice romp in the sack. I understand the latter but I’m still not sure what the former means. But right now I don’t understand most computer terms except for undo, which should not be proprietary to computers. That my friends should come with real life, imagined or otherwise. However that is another post. Another Compelling post. This one is about the movies that I want deleted before they are even created, I’m sorry, rebooted, recreated, or reimagined as you will. The uncompelling ones. And some that have already been. Undo those effers too.

If you imagine something, you believe it to be. You can then go off and make it so, or just continue to believe, in your own world, happy and content. What exactly does it take to reimagine something. How effing lazy and apathetic are you that you couldn’t hold onto the thought, whether membered or remembered, and know that hey, you or someone else with a better brain than you had that thought already. Maybe it was good the first time. Maybe even better. Maybe you should just leave it the eff alone. Maybe, just maybe, if you got your head out of your arse for just a few effing minutes you might realize that if you have to imagine a few new words that make no sense just so that you have something to talk about what you have just “reimagined” to death, then maybe, just maybe, you might realize where your head is, that that genius idea you had wasn’t quite so much, since you really didn’t have it, someone else did a long long time ago, and they are pissed right now because what was once great, or at the very least compelling, has stink written all over it now. Seriously, where is the undo when you need it? On second thought, hold the explanations. I have already reimagined that you don’t exist. Never did in fact.

Dec 6 2009

A Chinaman, A Frenchman and Michael Lee Walk Into A Bar

Posted by Andyfan: A phone conversation not so late one night. There was suddenly a bunch of noise on Andy’s end.

AndyFan: What was that?

Andy: I was walking by a Chinawoman, a black woman, and a Mexican woman racing remote controlled cars.

AndyFan: What? Really? That is exactly what it sounded like. The squeal of a remote controlled car and the squeal of a little Mexican and Chinese woman. I didn’t hear the black woman though.

Andy: Why is it you can say Frenchman but you can’t say Chinaman.

AndyFan: Why is it that you can’t say Chinaman?

Andy: People get upset?

AndyFan: Oh, I wasn’t sure if it was for another reason.

Andy: What do you mean? What other reason?

AndyFan: Well, the two aren’t the same, Chinaman and Frenchman. You wouldn’t say Chinaman, because you don’t say Franceman. But if you are talking about the Asian/Oriental pc issue, I think that is taking it too far. If you are man and you are from China, you are a Chinaman.

Andy: Right. You say china marker.

AndyFan: Well, in that case you should say China-everything.

Andy: Why, is that why they are called China Markers.

AndyFan: Oh, i don’t know, I was just going on another tangent.

Andy: But you say chinamarker, right?

AndyFan: Yeah…

Andy: Or do you call it a grease pencil?

AndyFan: What…

Andy: Or is that only if it is from Italy?

Dec 5 2009

They Are All Lean-to Chairs

Posted by AndyFan: There are few things that Andy takes for granted in life. Very few. A bastion of self appreciation. A monument to patience and grace. A wonder of…Wait. Did I get that right? Not sure. Maybe it is the other way around. Really, does it matter? Andy does a lot for you people—what is the relevance of his taking things for granted or not. As far as he is concerned if you think he is taking things for granted he most certainly should be. Things, when plugged in, should work as they were intended. Reformatting should only be necessary for those things that were not purchased formatted. Otherwise why purchase them so? On, well on should turn things on, not require a reboot and possible deletion of a few files in order to play video chat tag with certain underlings who do not uphold their duties. What worked yesterday, well, should work today. Right now in fact. Not after several failed attempts at finding an online forum with a similar problem that I (read Andy) should not be having at this very moment. Right this very minute now.

That said, there is one thing that Andy expects from the world at every given moment. It is a given in his world. Not even a must. Just an is. All chairs are made to lean back. To the floor in fact. Further if possible. Straight backed wooden chairs. They should lean back. Upright stools with no back at all, back they should lean as well. Sofa backs that have no business leaning, should be found leaning. As far and wide as humanly possible. Lazy Boys that already lean, should lean even farther when Andy nears. So far back that the image of Andy in one borders on the perverse and can not be described here as it may offend his Mother. And we don’t want to offend Mother. She is the only person who can get him to sit up straight. Andy hates that.

Aug 14 2009

Have A Great Day!

Posted By Videogrunt: Hi Sir, AndyFan said you would know what today was and that it should be a great one. I hope this makes sense. I don’t know Sir, AndyFan is kind of confusing. I can’t make sense of what he is doing, He hired me and then took off. I enjoy working for you, you are funny. But he said I can not call you directly. I have to go through him and just wait for orders. Seems to have a lot of rules for the sake of having rules. He said he is on his way back. He did say that the mission was a success and that new material would start again on Monday. In the meantime he said Bert would sing you a song. What ever that means. Should I be singing Sir? He also said to make sure Chris doesn’t lose your keys. The day is very early.

Aug 6 2009

Along For The Ride

Posted by Videogrunt for AndyFan who phoned it in since he is off doing Who Knows What: We will get into Action Park one day soon, I promise. It may just be the subject of several posts in fact. Even a Spirit of Andy Compells Me. Watching Wipeout last night brought this on. If you don’t know Action Park, well then consider yourself one of the lucky. If you missed Wipeout last night, then you are unfortunate. Not as unfortunate as Andy, he didn’t win $50,000 dollars (I think that was redundant). He has talked about his loathe of sports in the past. We even have a whole category dedicated to it. HE HATES SPORTS! Let this not be mistaken. Do not be fooled by his participation in certain sport-like activities. He loves competition. He will get so side tracked by a good competitive jaunt that he will forget that he is participating in a sport-like activity. But make no mistake, sports he hates. Second to sports, he hates cold water. Wipeout. Wipeout contains them both. And mud. But he likes mud. So long as it is warm. Or body temperature. Either way, it is fine. Cold. No. Andy no like. So in true what the hell was I thinking fashion, Andy showed up for what was dubbed the “Fall Star” Episode of Wipeout. Now you all know I love a good ball joke, but this had us (yes, I am referring to myself in group terms now) on the edge of our seats as we watched in fear that our beloved hero might have found his true kryptonite, COLD WATER SPORTS. But fear not, Andy took that ball by the horn and just pounced on top of it. Using his skills of submersion he slipped past any danger and right into deep blue. Like Arnold in Predator, Andy used the coating of mud to shield himself from his enemy, allowing enough time to get out of the cold water before his defenses were down. And the hat stayed on by the way. Carry on brave hero, carry on.



Jul 25 2009

Udderly Unwatchable

May 26 2009

It seems that yes… I am AWESOME

Hello new fans. It appears that over this holiday weekend I have been on your mind. Several of you have contacted me to let me know that you have stumbled upon this rant space. Where have you been? Why has it taken so long for you to look for me? Despite the lack of that respect you have showered me with compliments compliments so I will let that go and say thank you. (Yes, I said thank you. See how humble and gracious I am?) Yes, this site is “irresistibly me”. And I also would like to say that I appreciate Andyfan’s recognition of ‘Awesome’ belonging to me, as do ‘saturnine’ and ‘Kablooey’ (and by that I do not mean the alternative ‘Kablooie’.) It’s about time that claim was put to print. So in honor of me, and because you requested it, here is a picture of me BEING awesome… in Jamaica.