Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Posted By AndyFan: No, we aren’t getting larger. Ok, we are, but that’s not what I mean. So what if we put on a few pounds? Shouldn’t we take a part in the glut that we deserve as we reap the spoils of internet stardom? Our list of green room demands are short, but we are still a little bit jaded by infamy. We want freezer cold M&Ms in our dressing rooms, and none of those blue ones. Take those little effers out. Who came up with blue? They say it was based on buyer surveys. Really? You were selling 1 trillion and 1 M&Ms a day, you needed a survey to tell you that no gives a rats tooshy what color they are, yet somehow some lame brain said, uh, I’ld like blue. Who cares what color they are? They taste like M&Ms and that is all that matters. Although the dark brown-light brown combo was always a little confusing. Why two browns? Was it just the mix of all the left over dyes? I never favored the light browns. I did eat them first, so I could savor the “better” ones (everything but the light brown ones). Kind of like those yummy black and white cookies you can get in New York City. I always eat the chocolate side first, because I like the white side better and want to savor it. Sometimes I’ll even eat the chocolate side in two bites, just to get to the white side. Is it strange that I call it the chocolate side and the white side. What flavor is the white side? It’s not vanilla. What the hell is it? Is it just the sugar side? I don’t care it’s the better side.

Well, I am obviously too consumed with food (consumed too much food?), I totally forgot what this post was about. Oh yeah. We hired an intern. Well, we use the word “hire” with the broadest definition possible. He works for us. We throw food at him now and again (he gets the blue ones after they bounce off of his forehead). His name isn’t Bridge, but we call him that. He is our video grunt. He posts the videos around here. Sometimes he checks in on the cattle as well. We plan on having more videos, so we needed someone to get the info from YouTube.com onto WordPress. You would think it would be easier, but apparently it isn’t, otherwise we wouldn’t waste the blue ones on some video grunt (we would make moderen art with them if you must know). So welcome Bridge, the AndyPagana.com video grunt.

Oh, Andy, I hired an intern. Read above for the details.

Why does that word look so strange when written? ‘Barrow’? That can’t be right. yet, it is…

But Andyfan won’t post it for me and only he can! Pffff. He was busy working on some other dude’s webthinggy! Nice, Andyfan! nice.

Busy, kid. I’ve been busy. Will be back soon.

Posted by AndyFan: The hours between 11PM and 4AM are typically our most productive here at AndyPagana.com. For one, everyone has finally left us alone. We don’t like being lonely, but somma-da-times it is the only being that allows us to work freely. Andy likes to work freely. A little too freely if you ask AndyFan (yep, third person again) but Andy does not care what AndyFan thinks. AndyFan’s issue is that Andy likes to work in the buff. This would not be a problem, as AndyFan is many miles away from Andy at any given moment (stupid restraining order), except for the fact that Andy likes to announce what he is doing and how he is doing it, naked. Being right before bedtime, it is hard (ok Andy, stop laughing) for AndyFan to get the image of the plastic covered sofa sticking to Andy out of his head. It’s right there, the image in his mind that ruins AndyFan’s day. He tries to blink but it will not go away. I fear saying any more will either incite stalkers (sickos) or drive away fellow fans (i.e., those who do not want to see him naked, only see the fruits of his naked labors [ok, now you can laugh Andy]) so I will leave it at that. But as for the good ideas, many of our ramblings begin, and often end, in the wee hours of the morning, naked or clothed. We have no real staff (stupid cheap investors) to let us know the next day if our musings are worthy of posting, so we just post them. So far we think we have been spot on. This stuff is funny. But like a bad hangover, we do sometimes wake up with a  headache and wonder, what was I laughing at last night? Was it worth it? Will I regret it later in the day? Does anyone else know? Did anyone else hear me? Why does my ass hurt? Oh, because I fell off my chair and hit the corner of the table. Maybe I should have stopped this one a few minutes ago. Oh well, can’t win them all. Goodnight.

Posted By AndyFan: Little known fact, our fearless leader is full of little known facts. He is full of many other things too, but we have so much time and space to get to that. Little known and useless facts are one of Andrew’s hobbies. How to fill his windshield wiper fluid or stretch a canvas, not a clue. What George Warshingten wore for pajamas the night before the crossing of the Delaware, just ask Andy. (I think he said they were of the plaid variety, but I sometimes think he is making this all up. I am not even sure if I am real any more.) Andy is so topped to the brim with useless facts (he does like a good useless facts hat with a wide brim after all) that it comes as a pleasant, albeit startling, surprise when he in fact udders a useful and pertinent fact. Especially one in which the resolution to a computer problem is concerned. I don’t mean the resolution of an image on a computer, he still has difficulty with that. I mean the type of resolution that keeps him from calling me at 3 AM to yell at me about why his computer does not work. As with the cattle I am most often of no use (I type on these things, how the hell do I know how it works. hit a, you get an a. Shift a and you get a capital a, like this—A). Since he has had me working on this blog I have been very tired. There is so much research that goes into AndyPagana.com. So I have not been “available” to answer all of his calls. So it is a shocking surprise when I get my voicemail at 3:07 AM and he has relayed a message of udder despair about his dead computer and I call him to try and help. Oddly, he answers in a very calm and tranquil tone (ok, that just sounded good, but did anyone buy it?) and he has figured out the solution. Impressed I asked what he did. I plugged it in he says.

as the grading email ideas wasn’t very popular, but it has weeded out my email riff raff and Andyfan’s well-written rave has actually swayed me. Good job Andyfan in recognizing my greatness.

Posted By AndyFan: I began this as a comment before the realization of how ingenious the concept of grading emails is. Pure and udder genius. I have so much to say about this but I will keep it as brief as AndyFan possible. I will start with the immediate response to the last post and move on to how this system can be tweaked moving forward.

First off, A- Friend of Andy, you are a perfectionist and need to get over yourself. Do you not know Andy? Do you not know that it is all about entertaining him? If your email is not living up to his standards, work harder.

Second, Searching-For-New-Friends-Friend, why are you putting the effort in the wrong endeavors? Friends let you down in time, as it sounds like you have done to Andy, so you are only prolonging more work by looking yonder for new friends. Take the time and invest it into better emailing. The rewards will be worth it and Andy will hold you in higher esteem. Just don’t talk to A- Friend, he seems to have a bad attitude.

That said, I wish I came up with this idea. This is the most brilliant idea ever in the history of emailing, maybe even in the history of the internet. Better than being googled or ebayed (which I think is still illegal in some states and China). Think about it, what better way to fend off bad emails from people (you know who you are you people) than by sending a grade right back to them? I am not talking about a grade on grammar or spelling (have you read this blog, that would be asking for an F), I am talking about the quality and importance of the emails. If you are just babbling on and on for no reason than to tell me that your cat did something silly, just to point out that you are a cat freak (I mean lover) than you need to go spend more time with your cat and stop bothering Andy or me. We both have a thing about cat lovers and you will definitely not get more than a D-. Maybe a C+ if your cat is named Andy, but you would have to ask him about that, I am just speculating.

The idea of the grades however raises the bar on email quality. You may think twice before sending a bit of chain email when you haven’t sent any real correspondence in well over a year. Andy, nor I, have no desire to fill out your quota of 5,7,8, or 20 people that you need to send the latest bit of drivel to in order for your deepest darkest wishes to come true. Andy should be the only one in the TO: section of the email, and no one should be CC’d or BCC’d. What the hell do those other people have to do with Andy and why are they all up in his business? God doesn’t email you people. If God did, Andy wouldn’t get those god-blessed emails from you people, he would get them from God.

As for the improvements to the system, I know the idea is in the stages of infancy, but a rating scale of some sort might be well received. If you are told you are not funny, you may either try harder or go a different route. (Take note A- Friend) If you are not funny, be sincere. No shred of sincerity, be shocking. The whole idea just shakes up the thought of receiving emails. Andy might actually be excited to check his inbox (also outlawed in many southern states and China by the by). Over time his world might actually be nonstop entertainment, and that is what this is all about.