Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Rated NC-17 because apparently this stuff is very taboo. Posted by AndyFan: What the effing eff is a reimagining? Seriously? Can someone tell me? No, right the eff right effing now? And while you are at it can you explain reboot to my simple little mind? No, really? I don’t get it. A computer gets rebooted. Or a hooker after a nice romp in the sack. I understand the latter but I’m still not sure what the former means. But right now I don’t understand most computer terms except for undo, which should not be proprietary to computers. That my friends should come with real life, imagined or otherwise. However that is another post. Another Compelling post. This one is about the movies that I want deleted before they are even created, I’m sorry, rebooted, recreated, or reimagined as you will. The uncompelling ones. And some that have already been. Undo those effers too.

If you imagine something, you believe it to be. You can then go off and make it so, or just continue to believe, in your own world, happy and content. What exactly does it take to reimagine something. How effing lazy and apathetic are you that you couldn’t hold onto the thought, whether membered or remembered, and know that hey, you or someone else with a better brain than you had that thought already. Maybe it was good the first time. Maybe even better. Maybe you should just leave it the eff alone. Maybe, just maybe, if you got your head out of your arse for just a few effing minutes you might realize that if you have to imagine a few new words that make no sense just so that you have something to talk about what you have just “reimagined” to death, then maybe, just maybe, you might realize where your head is, that that genius idea you had wasn’t quite so much, since you really didn’t have it, someone else did a long long time ago, and they are pissed right now because what was once great, or at the very least compelling, has stink written all over it now. Seriously, where is the undo when you need it? On second thought, hold the explanations. I have already reimagined that you don’t exist. Never did in fact.

It was not that long ago that I went to a burlesque show with a friend and complained about the guy hosting it. It’s not that he was bad but we had heard the same jokes from this guy over and over and over again. (Apparently we went to burlesque shows a lot). Finally, the gal who runs the show (www.dollhouseproductions.com) said to us, well then, why don’t you two your smart asses (she has a filthy mouth) just do it yourselves? 

Pfff. Sure. How hard can it be?

So for the past two days in all our spare time when we should’ve been working or stalking ex girlfriends, we’ve been writing comedy bits in the tradition of old Vaudeville acts.

Now, for you writers out there… have you ever tried anything like this? It’s so bizarre. I have been in this mode of bad punch lining since we began. I’m asking every question at work like I’m Bud Abbott and throwing out bad jokes and punch lines in the most inappropriate situations. Waiters, kids, my mother… everything that someone says to me is responded to with some kind of smart allecky remark. (Although one of my co-workers say I’ve been in that mode since I’ve met him)

Anyway, we have come up with a number routines that I have NO IDEA how they are gonna come off. We’re not performers. We’ve never done a live show. We have twenty minutes of material we need to perfect and memorize by next Wednesday night.

So if you wanna see what we’ve come up with check us out at the Aura Nightclub, 12215 Ventura Blvd. in Studio City (California) Wednesday Night December 16th 9:00pm.

We’re inviting our porn star friend Charley Chase (story to come) and even wrote her into our act, so if you don’t wanna see us, at least come to see her. Oh, and the dancers. I hear they’re gonna have dancers between our bits.

(And oh yeah, my partner’s name is Schwartzy)

Posted by AndyFan: Just so you know, they care because he was effing everyone.

Andy: Who?

AndyFan: What’s his name.

Andy: Who!!?

AndyFan: Uhh, Tiger Woods.

Andy: Oh, yeah! I guess he was.

About 10 years ago I saw Clint Eastwood grocery shopping somewhere in Westwood I think. He looked like walking death. A skeleton with grey skin pushing an empty shopping cart and looking so pissed off that it was clear to me that the only reason he was still walking around was that the Grim Reaper was too afraid to go pick him up.

I asked him if he knew where the peanut butter was as if he were just any other shopper and he said “It’s around here somewhere” and left it at that. I kinda watched him for a bit as I am fascinated by people and I can be kind of a “people watcher” (or “creepy voyeur”  depending on what time of day it is and where I am) and then I left, without peanut butter (thanks for nothing, Clint)

So any time I saw him in the movies or on TV since I could never figure out why he looked so strong and… well, alive. The magic of the movies I guess. They made Bogart look tall and Travolta look straight so I guess they an do anything.

And then, as it so often happens in my life, I find myself the other night where I have no business being and ended up smack dab in the middle of a the Invictus Premiere and after party…

…where Clint and I meet again.

(Come back for more of this pointless story)

Posted by Andyfan: A phone conversation not so late one night. There was suddenly a bunch of noise on Andy’s end.

AndyFan: What was that?

Andy: I was walking by a Chinawoman, a black woman, and a Mexican woman racing remote controlled cars.

AndyFan: What? Really? That is exactly what it sounded like. The squeal of a remote controlled car and the squeal of a little Mexican and Chinese woman. I didn’t hear the black woman though.

Andy: Why is it you can say Frenchman but you can’t say Chinaman.

AndyFan: Why is it that you can’t say Chinaman?

Andy: People get upset?

AndyFan: Oh, I wasn’t sure if it was for another reason.

Andy: What do you mean? What other reason?

AndyFan: Well, the two aren’t the same, Chinaman and Frenchman. You wouldn’t say Chinaman, because you don’t say Franceman. But if you are talking about the Asian/Oriental pc issue, I think that is taking it too far. If you are man and you are from China, you are a Chinaman.

Andy: Right. You say china marker.

AndyFan: Well, in that case you should say China-everything.

Andy: Why, is that why they are called China Markers.

AndyFan: Oh, i don’t know, I was just going on another tangent.

Andy: But you say chinamarker, right?

AndyFan: Yeah…

Andy: Or do you call it a grease pencil?

AndyFan: What…

Andy: Or is that only if it is from Italy?

Posted by AndyFan: There are few things that Andy takes for granted in life. Very few. A bastion of self appreciation. A monument to patience and grace. A wonder of…Wait. Did I get that right? Not sure. Maybe it is the other way around. Really, does it matter? Andy does a lot for you people—what is the relevance of his taking things for granted or not. As far as he is concerned if you think he is taking things for granted he most certainly should be. Things, when plugged in, should work as they were intended. Reformatting should only be necessary for those things that were not purchased formatted. Otherwise why purchase them so? On, well on should turn things on, not require a reboot and possible deletion of a few files in order to play video chat tag with certain underlings who do not uphold their AndyPagana.com duties. What worked yesterday, well, should work today. Right now in fact. Not after several failed attempts at finding an online forum with a similar problem that I (read Andy) should not be having at this very moment. Right this very minute now.

That said, there is one thing that Andy expects from the world at every given moment. It is a given in his world. Not even a must. Just an is. All chairs are made to lean back. To the floor in fact. Further if possible. Straight backed wooden chairs. They should lean back. Upright stools with no back at all, back they should lean as well. Sofa backs that have no business leaning, should be found leaning. As far and wide as humanly possible. Lazy Boys that already lean, should lean even farther when Andy nears. So far back that the image of Andy in one borders on the perverse and can not be described here as it may offend his Mother. And we don’t want to offend Mother. She is the only person who can get him to sit up straight. Andy hates that.

Posted by AndyFan: Yes, mind you, we have added another. Not just any kind of tantrum, a TAndytrum. It borders on the obscene. Actually it doesn’t border on it, it lives right smack dab in the middle of it. Like a small Mexican village where drinking the water will just make everything not quite right for weeks on end; where you are not sure if you are the resident or the alien, but you know you shouldn’t stay either way; where the mood is always mellow on the verge of a cataclysmic apocalypse; where you are certain the roads are paved but there is so much dust lying on the ground that you dare not even breath for fear of being choked; where the women all have the look of the virginal exotic local, only to realize that this bar is the crossroads of the west and you just drank the worm at the bottom of the bottle only to wake up with a hangover, a vague understanding of geographic tongue and no one to tell you if you should show your face at work the next day.

You think that maybe I would have the energy to write more than I am, but I don’t. I hate being sick.