Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Posted by AndyFan: That tremor in the force—the one the sent a ripple effect across the eastern seaboard over this past weekend and resulted in a sweltering 102 degree forecast for today—that wasn’t global warming or some mega storm. No. It was Andy. Andrew if you must. From Warshingten to Esopus, our fearless leader laid a path of mayhem up and down the right coast that will cost its citizens countless minutes of untold confusion, especially if you are in the employ of a Dunkin Donuts. Without warning the devastation started days ago. New Jersey will never be the same. On his way out of town he swung by Warshingten to pay me a little encouragement visit. I bid him adieu and felt it was my duty to warn you all.

Los Angeles. Andy should have just landed. We envy your good fortune.

Posted by AndyFan: As I sit in my cave, pondering my next critical move, a knock on the door awoke me from my dreams of worldwide domination. No it wasn’t the FBI. They don’t read this site, they’re far more concerned with greater threats. No, the knock on the door, which caused a little shudder in my spine, was in fact our fearless leader. As I turned out the lights and did my best Marcel Marceau, Andy hollers, “I know you are in there you moron, I saw the light go out. You can’t hide from me! What have you been doing for 6 months? Where are my posts? Where is my support? What do I not pay you for? What kind of minion are you?”

We continued this discourse for the next five or ten minutes. He talking to an “empty” and dark apartment, through a tiny peepholed door, and me finding my best fetal position under the lowest desk—I figured if he got in he certainly wouldn’t bend over to find me. We came to the “understanding” that I was in fact being given one more chance to live up to the whims of a man who builds expectations from the fancies of his day. If I did not post something before he returned to the West Coast then I would in fact suffer the wrath of one thousand lashings—in other words he would tie me to a chair and finally make me watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I turned on the light as his rental car pulled out of the parking lot. The horn blasted as if he knew.

So I go into a record shop (yes, RECORDS) today and I ask the guy if he had any Skinnay Ennis albums and he said “I sold Bob Hope Skinnay Ennis albums. In fact, Bob Hope was the last person to ask me for Skinnay Ennis. I’m not sure why, but I got a kick out of that.

Posted by AndyFan: Jordan it’s not you, really, it’s Andy. Apparently you have known him long enough to know this, but don’t believe half of what he says or any of what he does. I think that is right. If not, trust no one. Sorry, we could have been such good friends.

Posted by AndyFan: Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s early people of Wisconsin. Get it together. Line the streets. Make some signs. Don’t lose out like Kansas. Toto will bite you in the ass come Christmas. Let Andy know you love him. He won’t be in town long. Once he deals with his cattle, he is outta there. Off to Detroit. One last attempt to rectify the mistake that Ford will forever regret.

Posted by AndyFan: People always talk about the coasts being different from middle America. Well apparently you can’t get more in the middle of America than Kansas. You will see Kansas. One day you will see. And you will rue the day  you could have been the epicenter of greatness.

Posted by AndyFan: By some stroke of a holiday miracle, Andy and crew are traveling due west of the storm of the century (how long is that exactly, I missed that week in economics). Laying a blank canvas before him to write his name across America, Andy is half way home (and by half way we mean not sure where the hell he is but he isn’t stuck on the side of the road in some icy grave trying to determine who will break it to Jordan that if it comes down to it he will be the first sacrificed). For those watching the news, somehow like Noah (those are gonna be some fugly kids) our noble crew was able to get through the floods of California. Sorry Cali, you can’t put that one on the Captain, he has an alibi, Schwartzy was with him the whole time.

Posted by AndyFan: Apparently Andy is having other henchmen do his dirty work these days. What started out as a pre-breakfast outing turned into a post dinner express ride clear across the country. Sorry Arizona, I would have warned you if I had the time. Not being one to repeat the same ride twice, Andy has decided to do a little sight seeing on this adventure, details to follow. And to top it off he has a driver. No, Andy is still the Captain, but this holiday season he is riding in style, First Mate Jordan at the wheel and Celebrity Guest and sometime one of Two Guys, sometime half of the world’s greatest comedy duo, Schwartzy in the rear cabin. And while you would think that being able to keep his hands off the wheel for 15 seconds would give him the opportunity to wish AndyFan a Happy Kwanza, no, you would think wrong again. Not even taking the calls of his #1 Fan, Andy has passed on the duties of tormenting to Schwartzy, who makes Andy on his worst day look like Gandhi. In typical fashion, the level of expectation  of go-to-it-ness was displayed when Schwartzy, in need of some personal assistance, reached out to AndyFan (it’s the cheeks). Having less time then it takes Andy to inhale a D&D 20 oz  to check my email for the expected file, Schwartzy called back to tell me he got it done himself and my services were no longer needed, and since I was on the phone, my position was terminated. Finally for Andy, my lack of paying attention is paying off and he still had a blog slave.

Posted by AndyFan: …but I have been pissed since I was five years old that those stupid French movies didn’t have an animated pink cat throughout, so on with show. Rest in Peace Mr. Edwards, you would have liked Andy.

Actually, as much as I have always had the hots for Julie Andrews, I am sorry for the passing of her husband Blake Edwards today. (First Bob Feller…) After all, he’s the freakin’ guy who created the Pink Panther franchise, which has provided this Clouseau fan with countless hours of entertainment and inspiration. Thanks B.E.! I’m sorry you never had a chance to meet me… 🙁