Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Posted by AndyFan: It is not often Andy calls with a pressing need of calamitous proportions. Rarely if we are counting, or rarely do we count, I am not quite sure, Andy nor I do well with math, just ask his well-paid accountant (who says there is no money in the budget to pay an Andy or an AndyFan) or sit down and have a conversation with Andy about the National Debt Ceiling. He will expound about simply getting a few illegal aliens at reduced rates to tear down the existing one and put up a higher one. They’ll have the job done in three days tops. But as for calamity, Andy tries with all of his might to stay clear of the sauce. However, once in a moon he does call to vent or seek consul from his trusted AndyFan when he has dipped his chips in it. The last such incident went as such:

Andy: “AndyFan, I have a problem.”

AndyFan: “You know I have a name right Andy?”

Andy: “Seriously, did I call to talk about your problems or mine?”

AndyFan: “Sorry Sir, what’s the problem?”

Andy: “I have a friend (for the sake of this conversation we will refer to said friend as “H”) who I think I upset.”

AndyFan: “Did H tell you he was upset?”

Andy: “No, I just know.”

AndyFan: “Did you do anything to make H upset?”

Andy: “That is irrelevant. What’s wrong with you?”

AndyFan: “Sorry, I am not sure how you want me to help if…”

Andy: “I want to know how to make said friend understand me like you do?”

AndyFan: “Sorry, I don’t follow.”

Andy: “Typically.”

AndyFan: “Sorry?”

Andy: “You should be.”

AndyFan: “Sir?”

Andy: “Look, how do I get my friends, especially H, to take it like you do.”

AndyFan: “Take what?”

Andy: “Me. Andy. Seriously, are you paying attention or smoking something over there?”

AndyFan: “Well, Sir, I am a door mat. Says so on my business card. Not sure your friends are the same.”

Andy: “No, they certainly are not!”

AndyFan: “Why don’t you just apologize?”

Andy: “What are you smoking? Look, can you just post a little story about how I don’t like to upset my friends, least of all H?”

AndyFan: “But Sir, you told me never to post a falsitude.”

Andy: “True. Very True.”

Posted by AndyFan: There is always the other hand.

With a sad and painful cry heard all the way up the street, Andy broke the cardinal rule of Captain-hood the other night—a Captain never touches his own parts. At least not under the hood. Of a car. Or boat if you must. That is what the engineers are for. To touch the captains motor. To turn it on. Make it hum. YOU know what I am talking about. No? Oh, no, oh, sorry, Andy burned his arm.

The events of Monday night, or was it Sunday, the days just fly by don’t they? I think it is the recession. People get so distracted that time just floats by and nothing gets done. A sure sign of the times. The average person just has too much on their plate and can not stay focused. Oh, yeah, the events of the other night are fuzzy because I was half asleep when I got the call from our screaming captain as he was using gutter water to flush out his eyes and rinse his arm, as he waited for the paramedics I heard approaching in the background. Apparently through all that chatter I realized he did in fact burn himself. The professional people-repair people said there was really very little a real doctor could do for him, so he should count himself lucky he only received mild chemical burns, go home and tie one off.

The whole event begs the question though, why was Andy playing sports? I mean seriously, he hates sports. It says so over there on the right. Why would he decide to open the hood of his car and take part in some NASCAR-like event when there were not ten million people sitting around waiting for a bunch of cars to stop going around in circles to see who wins the race to change their tires the fastest? Or in this case who can open the radiator cap the quickest before any heat is lost and the steam turns back into liquid? Why? And people, I know you can’t be everywhere at all times, but one of you should have been there to remind Andy that the the engine of a car contains an engine. It’s mechanical. Andy does not do mechanical. He has people for that. Black or white, Mexican or Chinese, Indian or Esopian, Andy as people to take care of the things he has little time or skill for. It’s in his contract.

Please Andyfans with a little f, pay attention next time.

Posted by AndyFan: Updates are for wussies. Flat out pansy-ass-do-gooders. If you can’t make your Commodore iD-10T circa 1984 work in the year 2011 than it is you who are inferior, not your “equipment.” Andy has for time eternal bemoaned (what exactly is the difference between moaning and bemoaning?) the repeated interruption of life that is brought upon by “updates.” You say, “but how can he have bemoaned it for time eternal, the personal computer is relatively new?” to which I say Ha!! Double HA!!! Nothing is new to Andy. He has been using computers since before Abe Lincoln was in diapers. And he is still using the same one. Been carrying it back and forth to California in his Grand Marquis since before Henry Hudson sailed under the Golden Gate Bridge and declared Alcatraz his prison and locked away all the Dutch. Seriously people, do not update. It only brings unwanted error. Andy has watched the better part of many a day go wasted by trying to update something he didn’t have a problem with in the first place. So what if he kept his car warm with a brick of candles lit up on his dashboard in the middle of the winter while driving curvy stretches of New Jersey mountains along cliff side lakes. Heat, who needs heat? (Stupid DMV) Do not update—it brings on stress of the worst kind. OK, do not update unless it is to give Andy more air conditioning. Air conditioning is the only kind of update that Andy is fine with. Oh, that and the whereabouts of the  nearest D&D in the western frontier. But other than that. Do Not Update!

Posted By AndyFan: Andy is a very big fan of his Auntie Q. He talks about her so often you would think he has several Auntie Q’s. And while one persons Auntie Q is more meaningful to them than the next persons, Andys’ Auntie Q is very, very special to him. He adores his Auntie Q. Hoards the time he has with his Auntie Q. Tries to tell his other relatives that their Auntie Q is not as special as they think, thus making them believe they should let Andy have all of their Auntie Q to himself.

Posted by Andyfan: Andy says its great. I’m still on 8. We are never on the same page. But you should know that by now.

Posted by AndyFan: Let’s just say this, the sequel had better be as good as part 1. That’s all I am saying about that. Don’t try and get more out of me. Andy and I have a verbal agreement that I am not allowed to talk about his life when he says it is off limits. This story is off limits, so I can’t talk about it. But if he ever makes a movie about it, well I will be first in line (I may even invest). You all should be second, because this is good. I am already waiting for him to do the sequel, but maybe he will just let some up-and-comer handle that. He may already be above the sequel.

Posted by AndyFan as Andy was too shocked and dismayed to right this himself: I (read Andy, not AndyFan) went to delete you (you know who you are, you) from Facebook, and you (putz) had already deleted me (read Andy The Awesome). Eff you! Who the effing eff do you think you are, you eff? Eff Off!

Posted by AndyFan: Friends, Romans, countrymen, you all suck b@lls. Where are the praiseful words? Where are the scornful eyes? Envy? Disgust? Where is the violent reaction to Andy. He’s done things lately (and here, but we won’t talk a bout the parallels) and been cock blocked by unnamed blogs that exist this very day in Los Angles. Good or bad, but don’t be indifferent. Andy hates indifference. OK, he hates indifference when he is the subject. He tends to be indifferent towards many things but we all know they aren’t that interesting, otherwise Andy would be interested, and thus, not indifferent. I know you see what I am saying. Basic math my friends. Basic math.

Posted by AndyFan: Sometimes no matter how wrong something is, we are just compelled to try it anyway. Even if so many before us have failed. We forge on with the thought that maybe, just maybe, everyone else wasn’t trying hard enough. Maybe, quite possibly, they didn’t know what they were doing. This blog, for instance, started on such a whim. “No, it won’t be much work,” he said. “Really,” he responded, “are you sure?” “Absolutely! A few times a week and that is it,” he replies, “And once we get going it will be really easy. Think of all the readers!” You can discuss amongst yourself who he is and who he is not, but we know, and we are pissed. However, neither one of us is a quitter. (Ok we procrastinate like hell, but did we say we were giving up? NO! So sit down!) And in spite of a long and drawn out intermission, one in which the theater goers may have fallen asleep on the john, AndyFan was compelled to jump back in the saddle (are you really in the saddle or are you on the saddle, it is one of the stupider phrases we have turned around here). Upon the late night conversation that occurred as AndyFan failed to avoid another one of Andy’s calls, thus failing two fold as Andy would point out, AndyFan was bestowed an epiphany. And then he had a thought. Andy is a mad genius.

It is at times like these that AndyFan is the proudest to be Fan of Andy. It is precisely these instances that bring about entire shifts in the Andy universe. The ONLY universe. Radical landscape changes. Andy is not one for landscapes but he does enjoy a portrait or two (wait until I tell you what is coming!). Now AndyFan doesn’t know much about art but be does feel honored when Andy shares his with AndyFan. Since I am only “hired” help he could care less what I have to say. Such was the case when Andy talked over AndyFan as AndyFan was endowing kind words upon Andy for his latest post impressionistic masterpiece. Before you judge Andy for his disregard of artistic compliments (more is never really enough) understand he too was having an epiphany. “Oils and acrylics.” he evanglicized. “They don’t mix,” I told him (having painted my share of walls, thank you very much). “I know, but I gotta see for myself.” “But Andy, you get so frustrated when things don’t work.” “I know, I know, but I am compelled to try.”

Ladies and gentlemen, there in lies the reason The Spirit of Andy Compels Me and perhaps even this blog exists. We were compelled, we had a thought and thought you would want to know what we were thinking about Andy, because, well, Andy is so compelling. The Spirit lives on.

Posted By AndyFan: You expected more? Seriously? Can I ask what blog you have been reading all this time? Are you new? Really, you expected more? WE, are disappointed? You don’t want to see us disappointed. It is not pretty.