This is from a bathroom in the backlot of Universal Studios. I clearly don’t know as much about filmmaking as I thought because I can’t figure out why someone would stick gloves in the toilet.
Lets say this. i like coffee. I have always liked coffee. I am not addicted, i do not drink it every day, I do not need it. It is a comfort however. I drank it as a kid because my grandfather drank it. Black. I drank it college years because I liked the boost. Gene and I would go to Dunkin Donuts and each get large coffees with cream and sugar. (At the gas stations we would get Irish creme in our gas station coffee. We both happened to love that). Living in Colorado I would go with my writing partner to Dunkin Donuts and we’d get coffee and talk about changing the world. My travels took me all over the tri state area and dunkin donuts was always there as my friend. Except in NYC. There were only a few in those days an they BLEW!! That’s right. It was like the kind on the highway – 87 northbound on the way to Monroe/Woodbury. They wouldn’t put the dam sugar in themselves. That changes the flavor. they had a formula. They know the right amount to put in when you say ‘Cream and Sugar’ or ‘light and sweet’. They put it in first, before the coffee, so you didn’t have to stir it. Plus, I liked things ready to go. I hate having to do more work. Give it to me ready to drink. I avoided those Dunkin donutssssss. Then I journeyed west. And where the hell is the damn Dunkin Donuts??? NO WHERE!!!!! Not in California anyway. I can’t even get on their electronic webplace and find the nearest one it is so far away. Yet their slogan is ‘America Runs On Dunkin” WTF?? Seriously. Is California not in America? I know they seem strange out here, and, trust me, I want to ignore these soulless people as much as the rest of the country but really, we HAVE to acknowledge that they are in this union of ours until we can figure out how to get them out. (Maybe give it back to the Russians) Andyway, I have complained about this over and over and over again to andyone that would listen. No one cared. Damn! I even tried to get the California government involved but they don’t feel it is an important slight. WTF?? Seriously. Maybe someone should sue Dunkin Donuts for false advertising. I finally found one Dunkin in California… Â north of San Francisco. Bunch of BULL#$%@!!!! Anyway, I happened to be in Vegas several weeks back (See below for photos of the Hoover Damn) and lo and behold… I found one!! Actually TWO!!!! They had not been there last trip through town I assure you!!!! They are expanding to Nevada!!! AWESOME! So I documented the event…
Well, this past weekend I was craving my DandD. I hopped on the road and headed to Vegas, music blasting, sun shining. What a great trip. I found a third one and mixed another passion of mine, the belly picture…
Posted By AndyFan: This isn’t the actual theory, the actual theory has been brewing for a few weeks now, prompted by one of Andy’s posts, but this is a teaser to the actual theory. The theory is that Andy is changing, changing in ways we never saw coming. I am working on this theory but I am having trouble tracking down the reference. I was given it by someone, apparently an old friend of Andy’s, but that too I have to confirm. When I am ready I will reveal this theory upon the AndyWorld for all to disect. I was not going to say anything until the time was right, but with Andy saying his head is ready to explode I think that time is right now. Please make sure you see a doctor dear Andy, I do fear you may be correct.
Posted by AndyFan: Our West Coast reporters are on the case. Andy was spotted at the season 2 premiere party for ABCs Wipeout on Monday night. We are a bit concerned as rumors have it that Andy will be making an appearance in this season, and not as a part of a best of compilation episode as he has in the past. At first I agreed with the 3 Mommies, what was he thinking? I don’t know who the 3 Mommies are but there is little reliable reference online and three moms seemed like a good source. I have to say that AndyFan (yes, talking in the third person) did try and talk Andy out of it the first time. Reality TV is not TV to AndyFan, and it is certainly below Andy to be a part of. Jon and Kate, come on now. Eight kids isn’t a miracle, the nation wanting to watch 8 kids and two numbnut parents is a miracle. Most parents can barely stand their own kids for a half an hour straight, why do people want to watch that zoo. And they have a website? Come on other people, don’t you get mad when your crazy uncle sends you a Snapfish link to the family vacation photos? We are all glad that most of our relatives still don’t know how to plug there video cameras into the tv to show us their trips like the good ol’ days of Super 8 movies. Why would you want to see some strangers, ten of them for the matter, sharing a forced good time for the cameras. And are we really crying for their situation, they have someone to take the picture of them. Most normal insane families have to find a ledge, argue about how to use the timer, set the thing up, run back around and look like an arse when they cut off their heads because they aren’t photographers and shouldn’t be setting up shots.
Andyway, AndyFan was very against Andys forray into the reality television world, but then one night Andy calls AndyFan to tell him the premeire is airing. AndyFan was given moments to find a television. And find a television he did. A big one. One almost large enough to portray Andys awesomeness the way his awesomeness is meant to be portrayed. One big enough to make his trip up the treadmill (he swears it was moving) death defying. A screen big enough to show just how big those balls were, especially when he fell off the giant red rubber bouncy things. This wasn’t reality tv, this was Indiana Jones meets the Three Stooges, without the snakes. The real shame was not being able to see Andy jump the swirling arms as he stood on a tiny post. Get rid of the athletes, put in the couch potatoes.
If the stories are true, we hope that Andy has not been walking around Hollywood with a cane (at least not with out sending us a picture). As much fun as it was to watch the first time, Andy did need some physical therapy afterwards. That thing was like the modern day gaunlet. And Andy hates sports. He says so all the time.
Here is my high school ID from Newburgh Free Academy. I got a gold star on it which meant I was such a good kid I could roam the halls without a pass and not be questioned. I don’t remember what the little red dot was for. Damn!
Posted by AndyFan: Sources close to AndyPagana.com have passed along a photo from about a decade ago. Andrew, on his return to alma mater Newburgh Free Academy, posed next to a confident and suave self portrait from his high school days. Long past was the conservative dress of his younger years, opting at the time of the photo for a more laid back, but charming, island look. Funny though, the hair is nearly identical. Yes, those are actually pineapples on his shirt. Little known fact, you can actually mail a pineapple through the US Postal Service. Or was it a coconut? It’s one of them. You don’t have to wrap it up, you can just stick a tag on it and let it go. Well, you have to bring it to the post office or at least hand it to a postal carrier, neither one moves without assistance. So if you know anyone from Hawaii, have them send you a coconut (or pineapple) and watch the look on your mailpersons face when it arrives. You might be thinking, “what does this have to do with Andy?” Well, good question Andy fan(s). Andrew is the source of this knowledge. Andrew is the source of many a tidbit. Bitty tids, how lovely. Actually, if you look closely a bitty tid is hanging from his nose.
RATED R Posted by AndyFan: I am going out on a limb here because I have never seen Andy drink Dr Pepper, so he may take this as nothing to do with him. But in fact, this post has everything to do with him. In fact, you can swap out anything in place of the Dr. Pepper and you have the essence of what makes Andy tick. At least Angry Andy. And sometimes Angry Andy is the most fun Andy. So long as he is not Angry at you. Or me. Let’s face it, I really don’t care if he is Angry at you, you most likely deserved it. So, in what is sure to be an ongoing section here at AndyPagana.com, I will now describe my Friday night and how the Spirit of Andy Compelled Me.
I won’t get into my choice of Dr Pepper vs other fine cola drinks, that is most certainly more about me than Andy and will only warrant a low grade when he returns, but I do on many occasions enjoy the Doctor over say Coca-Cola. A cola is a cola is a cola. NO. Not true. Each has there own taste and each is different from the other. I will grant that there is so much sugar in all of them that after a few cans it starts to taste the same, much like wine or beer, but every soda pop starts out with their own particular punch.
So on Friday night as I partook in a fine can of Pepper, I noticed the tag line “Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors” The “23” was really large. At that moment Andy possessed my being and I uttered, too myself as no one was there to listen (nor would they if they were around), the following diatribe. The rant went something like this (add in had gestures and lots of extra cursing):
What the F$#K does Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors mean? Seriously, why are there 23 flavors advertised on the can? I want one flavor, DR FUCKING PEPPER flavor. I looked on the ingredient list and there was the normal roster of suspects: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup and/or sugar (who are they kidding, really, how bogus is that, it’s just the HFCS), caramel color (why not the caramel flavor too, why not a 24th flavor, why stop at 23?), phosphoric acid, artificial and natural flavors (WTF!!), sodium benzoate (preservative), and (last but certainly not least) caffeine. Ok, so we start out with water, no flavor at all. So why is it in there? Is the list of ingredients a part of the 23 authentic flavor combination? Who do I ask this question too? It’s very misleading. I am not sure if I should start counting the ingredients as flavors or if they provided no flavor at all. The sugar bullshit is just beyond insulting. They haven’t used sugar in that drink since 1950 I am sure. And how can you have it say high fructose corn syrup OR sugar? They don’t taste the same. I have eaten sugar, it’s not the same as corn syrup, let alone high fructose corn syrup. How can it be authentic if it is one or the other? Which one is authentic, high fructose corn syrup or sugar? I would assume sugar, since I don’t think that high fructose corn syrup was used in 1885 when Dr. Pepper T Pepperton invented the drink. And if that is the case, how the hell can it be authentic if it contains high fructose corn syrup? Or should I be reasoning that the ingredients provide no flavor at all and I have to figure out what the “authentic” flavors are? The caramel color is apparently just color, or they would say caramel. But since they use high fructose corn isn’t that really caramel now anyway? Corn syrup is a major ingredient in caramel, so if you have the color, and a good part of the flavor (HFCS), then don’t you now have caramel in the drink? Or have they figured out a way to keep the two separate in the can? Is that part of how they come up with 23 authentic flavors. Maybe each flavor is floating around separately in the can. Which is kind of gross. I don’t want anything floating around in the can. What the fuck is that about? After the color comes the acid. So I am either getting high or burning a hole in my stomach. I think it is the latter, but a Dr. did invent this stuff, so maybe I am getting high. I will skip the artificial and natural flavors for a moment and move on to the sodium benzoate. I have a hard time believing “sodium benzoate” was authentic in 1885. It doesn’t even sound authentic now. Lets just call it salt. Why is everything so complicated? It’s salt people! OK, moving on. If the acid didn’t get you high, the caffeine will help jump start it back into high gear (how many of these things did I drink?). Again, how exactly did they add caffeine in 1885. I am beginning to think this whole concoction is anything but authentic. Returning to the “artificial and natural flavors,” what kind of bull kocka is that? So every other ingredient is listed to its fullest and then we get to the flavors and it becomes vague? And what other kind of flavors could it be? Can’t it only be artificial or natural? Why not just say flavors? And can artificial flavors be authentic? I don’t think they can. They are fucking artificial. Since they are differentiating between artificial and natural, shouldn’t they say 12 artificial flavors and 11 natural flavors? But this brings me back to my original point, isn’t the flavor Dr Pepper flavor? Say artificial and natural ingredients? WTF?
So, this was my Friday night. What, you expected more on a Friday night? I have gotten yelled at enough this week by Andy, I don’t need any more of that? He is already taking a liking to this blogdom and is asking me to do more for him, so I don’t have time to go out on the town. That is for Andy. Who, by the way, was only gone for the weekend. Somebody misled me again. First I am told he is going away for three days over Easter and turns out he was gone for four. This time I was told he was going away until Tuesday and apparently he is wondering what I am doing. Gawd, can’t a guy catch a break? Someone give me a Dr Pepper.
Posted by AndyFan: The title of this post just came to me one morning, early, very early, after Andy called to complain. Not about me, he does that here. Well, he does that to me directly too, especially if I don’t answer my cell phone. He has this weird rule about my having a cell phone, if he calls I should always answer. “Why do you have a cell phone, you never answer it?” is a phrase uttered several times a day. Obviously it is so I can be berated, duh. Regardless, I got off the phone and started to sing this verse, these are the only words that I know.
If you have ever had the fortune (of living) to tell about driving with Andy, you may have at one point or another heard him sing these very words. Let’s just call him a loose driver, sometimes too loose. This song keeps him in line. I never really knew what the reference was but I have often thought about Andy and uttered these words to myself, in complete solitude mind you (this may be bordering on obsession, but I will leave that to the professional help). It turns out it is the official song of Idaho, I mean Kentucky. According to Wikipedia, “‘Blue Moon of Kentucky’ is a waltz written in 1946 by bluegrass musician Bill Monroe and recorded by his band, The Blue Grass Boys. The song has since been recorded by Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline,[1] Ronnie Hawkins, Rory Gallagher, LeAnn Rimes, Paul McCartney, Boxcar Willie, Ray Charles, Jerry Reed and others.” They left off Andy Pagana on the list, but I have to assume it is because he may only know the one line, I have never heard him sing more that that. But by this point we are swerving around another “bad” driver that Andy is yelling at to get off the road. Andy does that quite a bit. I still get the pleasure thanks to his bluetooth.
It is funny that one phrase can remind you so much of a person. Especially when you have no idea what the phrase is, have never heard another human being sing it (or animal if you are asking) and only associate it to a certain moment. I will find myself singing it as I work on this blog and think about the Andy from July 16th, 1993, or the Andy from late 2006. He hasn’t posted any photos of that Andy yet, but let me tell you, they are something. All pictures of Andy are something.
