Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Posted by AndyFan: It is not often Andy calls with a pressing need of calamitous proportions. Rarely if we are counting, or rarely do we count, I am not quite sure, Andy nor I do well with math, just ask his well-paid accountant (who says there is no money in the budget to pay an Andy or an AndyFan) or sit down and have a conversation with Andy about the National Debt Ceiling. He will expound about simply getting a few illegal aliens at reduced rates to tear down the existing one and put up a higher one. They’ll have the job done in three days tops. But as for calamity, Andy tries with all of his might to stay clear of the sauce. However, once in a moon he does call to vent or seek consul from his trusted AndyFan when he has dipped his chips in it. The last such incident went as such:

Andy: “AndyFan, I have a problem.”

AndyFan: “You know I have a name right Andy?”

Andy: “Seriously, did I call to talk about your problems or mine?”

AndyFan: “Sorry Sir, what’s the problem?”

Andy: “I have a friend (for the sake of this conversation we will refer to said friend as “H”) who I think I upset.”

AndyFan: “Did H tell you he was upset?”

Andy: “No, I just know.”

AndyFan: “Did you do anything to make H upset?”

Andy: “That is irrelevant. What’s wrong with you?”

AndyFan: “Sorry, I am not sure how you want me to help if…”

Andy: “I want to know how to make said friend understand me like you do?”

AndyFan: “Sorry, I don’t follow.”

Andy: “Typically.”

AndyFan: “Sorry?”

Andy: “You should be.”

AndyFan: “Sir?”

Andy: “Look, how do I get my friends, especially H, to take it like you do.”

AndyFan: “Take what?”

Andy: “Me. Andy. Seriously, are you paying attention or smoking something over there?”

AndyFan: “Well, Sir, I am a door mat. Says so on my business card. Not sure your friends are the same.”

Andy: “No, they certainly are not!”

AndyFan: “Why don’t you just apologize?”

Andy: “What are you smoking? Look, can you just post a little story about how I don’t like to upset my friends, least of all H?”

AndyFan: “But Sir, you told me never to post a falsitude.”

Andy: “True. Very True.”

Posted by AndyFan: There is always the other hand.

With a sad and painful cry heard all the way up the street, Andy broke the cardinal rule of Captain-hood the other night—a Captain never touches his own parts. At least not under the hood. Of a car. Or boat if you must. That is what the engineers are for. To touch the captains motor. To turn it on. Make it hum. YOU know what I am talking about. No? Oh, no, oh, sorry, Andy burned his arm.

The events of Monday night, or was it Sunday, the days just fly by don’t they? I think it is the recession. People get so distracted that time just floats by and nothing gets done. A sure sign of the times. The average person just has too much on their plate and can not stay focused. Oh, yeah, the events of the other night are fuzzy because I was half asleep when I got the call from our screaming captain as he was using gutter water to flush out his eyes and rinse his arm, as he waited for the paramedics I heard approaching in the background. Apparently through all that chatter I realized he did in fact burn himself. The professional people-repair people said there was really very little a real doctor could do for him, so he should count himself lucky he only received mild chemical burns, go home and tie one off.

The whole event begs the question though, why was Andy playing sports? I mean seriously, he hates sports. It says so over there on the right. Why would he decide to open the hood of his car and take part in some NASCAR-like event when there were not ten million people sitting around waiting for a bunch of cars to stop going around in circles to see who wins the race to change their tires the fastest? Or in this case who can open the radiator cap the quickest before any heat is lost and the steam turns back into liquid? Why? And people, I know you can’t be everywhere at all times, but one of you should have been there to remind Andy that the the engine of a car contains an engine. It’s mechanical. Andy does not do mechanical. He has people for that. Black or white, Mexican or Chinese, Indian or Esopian, Andy as people to take care of the things he has little time or skill for. It’s in his contract.

Please Andyfans with a little f, pay attention next time.

Posted by AndyFan: Updates are for wussies. Flat out pansy-ass-do-gooders. If you can’t make your Commodore iD-10T circa 1984 work in the year 2011 than it is you who are inferior, not your “equipment.” Andy has for time eternal bemoaned (what exactly is the difference between moaning and bemoaning?) the repeated interruption of life that is brought upon by “updates.” You say, “but how can he have bemoaned it for time eternal, the personal computer is relatively new?” to which I say Ha!! Double HA!!! Nothing is new to Andy. He has been using computers since before Abe Lincoln was in diapers. And he is still using the same one. Been carrying it back and forth to California in his Grand Marquis since before Henry Hudson sailed under the Golden Gate Bridge and declared Alcatraz his prison and locked away all the Dutch. Seriously people, do not update. It only brings unwanted error. Andy has watched the better part of many a day go wasted by trying to update something he didn’t have a problem with in the first place. So what if he kept his car warm with a brick of candles lit up on his dashboard in the middle of the winter while driving curvy stretches of New Jersey mountains along cliff side lakes. Heat, who needs heat? (Stupid DMV) Do not update—it brings on stress of the worst kind. OK, do not update unless it is to give Andy more air conditioning. Air conditioning is the only kind of update that Andy is fine with. Oh, that and the whereabouts of the  nearest D&D in the western frontier. But other than that. Do Not Update!