Andrew (Andy) Pagana

Posted by AndyFan: Sometimes no matter how wrong something is, we are just compelled to try it anyway. Even if so many before us have failed. We forge on with the thought that maybe, just maybe, everyone else wasn’t trying hard enough. Maybe, quite possibly, they didn’t know what they were doing. This blog, for instance, started on such a whim. “No, it won’t be much work,” he said. “Really,” he responded, “are you sure?” “Absolutely! A few times a week and that is it,” he replies, “And once we get going it will be really easy. Think of all the readers!” You can discuss amongst yourself who he is and who he is not, but we know, and we are pissed. However, neither one of us is a quitter. (Ok we procrastinate like hell, but did we say we were giving up? NO! So sit down!) And in spite of a long and drawn out intermission, one in which the theater goers may have fallen asleep on the john, AndyFan was compelled to jump back in the saddle (are you really in the saddle or are you on the saddle, it is one of the stupider phrases we have turned around here). Upon the late night conversation that occurred as AndyFan failed to avoid another one of Andy’s calls, thus failing two fold as Andy would point out, AndyFan was bestowed an epiphany. And then he had a thought. Andy is a mad genius.

It is at times like these that AndyFan is the proudest to be Fan of Andy. It is precisely these instances that bring about entire shifts in the Andy universe. The ONLY universe. Radical landscape changes. Andy is not one for landscapes but he does enjoy a portrait or two (wait until I tell you what is coming!). Now AndyFan doesn’t know much about art but be does feel honored when Andy shares his with AndyFan. Since I am only “hired” help he could care less what I have to say. Such was the case when Andy talked over AndyFan as AndyFan was endowing kind words upon Andy for his latest post impressionistic masterpiece. Before you judge Andy for his disregard of artistic compliments (more is never really enough) understand he too was having an epiphany. “Oils and acrylics.” he evanglicized. “They don’t mix,” I told him (having painted my share of walls, thank you very much). “I know, but I gotta see for myself.” “But Andy, you get so frustrated when things don’t work.” “I know, I know, but I am compelled to try.”

Ladies and gentlemen, there in lies the reason The Spirit of Andy Compels Me and perhaps even this blog exists. We were compelled, we had a thought and thought you would want to know what we were thinking about Andy, because, well, Andy is so compelling. The Spirit lives on.

Posted by AndyFan: OK, I know Andy may be all tied up right now, and he has his own hooters to deal with, but I thought I would give in to “sis” for a moment and change the tone with a little rant. OK, a big rant. Who the abc’ing bleep is efd’ing Ines Sainz? Simon says go the eff away. I hope for Andy’s sake that this story has not made it to California and is simply an East Coast post game hangover mistake, but if it has people—COME ON NOW! Is it because she is hot? Really? Is that why we have made this news? And I don’t mean in the oh-I-get-it-it’s-a-mass-appeal-tabloid-story-kind-of-non-news-story-story. I mean it in the what-the-effing-eff-are-we-talking-about-here-story? For the uninitiated and Andy, if he happens to be hanging around a tele to watch, Miz Ines Sainz is a Mexican sports reporter. Before this week I would have taken that to mean a Mexican soccer fan, (a Mexican Football fan for the unamerican), but it urns out Mexico actually has a reason to have a blond, bootilicious, big-breasted, bombshell sports reporter. I haven’t figured out just yet why that is, but they have one. All that aside I am so mad right now I am not even going to get into the fact that she expects to be taken seriously wearing what she does. At least seriously at what she does for a living. And for all you feminists, I feel the same way about so-called business men in short sleeved button down business shirts. Well not the same way, but I don’t take them seriously. For gods sake man, put on a sleeve or two. But I drift.

OK, so earlier this week Ines caused an uproar in the New York Jets camp (they play football Andy, the American kind, I’ll explain it below) when she declared she was offended at the treatment she received when she entered the locker room to interview somebody who does something on the team. Now in order for this to be a story someone had to report on it. There in lies my rant.

What the effing bloody eff are we talking about here people? Ines was harassed about her ass by a bunch of men who throw around dead pigs and pile on top of each other in large groups. If it wasn’t a horrible vision to call that borderline primal erotic behavior, I would say it out loud. What exactly did she think was going to happen when she entered the locker room wearing booty pants that would make Beyonce blush? Apparently outside on the field players threw out of bounds passes so they could run by the Mexican enchantress. Throwing passes is now harassment?  In football? Out of bounds or not, I would think the Jets could stand to complete some passes. She is lucky they didn’t pile on top of her right there on the field. We are talking two steps from Neanderthals here. They run into each other for sport. Even animals in the wild have made that kind of behavior politically incorrect. If this was ancient Rome the only cat calls heard would be the lions pouncing on the gladiators. In fact, if this were ancient Rome it wold be the equivalent of Marcus Tumnus the gladiator walking past the lions cages below the arena with a big old gaping cut down his arm dripping blood and having the food deprived lions growling at him. Then upon coming onto the field having the lions swarm him because they liked what they smelled down below. To top it of, the great Ceaser would call the gladiator to apologize for the lions behavior, as they should have known better. Holy shit my head hurts.

There are three possible outcomes of this story. One, Andy has yet to hear of Ines Sainz and is pissed I focused on sports as a topic. Two, Andy has heard of Ines and is happy I focused on attacking sports as a topic. Or third, he stopped reading at hooters and is three pages into a Google image search of Ines Sainz as you read this.

RATED NC-17 Posted By AndyFan: OK, this may be short, it may not. Piss off if you have a problem with that. This morning I had a moment. An Andy moment. It made me snicker and think, that would make for good The Spirit of Andy Compells material. I actually thought it was quite genius. Maybe not Andy genius, but AndyFan genius. Full of piss and vinegar and all the things that make Andy fun to listen too. I was ready to go write. Then it happened. Yep, right in the middle of a thought. The one and only thing that could F-UP the whole day.

Can you people please leave me the F-alone. One interruption and it is like the whole dam breaks and all my thoughts flow down the sewer. I had a good one this morning, but some trivial need of some nitwit pushed the wrong button that let the flood gates go, and with it, another fine post on AndyPagana.com. Was your want that important? Did you really get any further today by bothering me? Is it your goal in life to be the monkey and the wrench at the same time? You are the type of person that walks out the in door aren’t you? I don’t actually mind that person, except that I was standing in the doorway going the right way when you slammed the door in my head. No, it’s a metaphor, for what the eff where you thinking. The sign says in you outgoing idiot. Seriously is it too much to ask for you to just think for a change. Try it, you may just not bother me tomorrow. Oh well, you already have, I can tell.

RATED PG-13 Posted by AndyFan: On the heels of a not so Andy filled post (he just doesn’t see where it’s going people, would someone please help me out here), I thought it fitting to totally omit Andy from my next post as well. Well, he is only missing in content, never in spirit, and that is sometimes more fun. And actually, he is a rather big fan (read that as you will) of the subject of today’s The Spirit of Andy Compels Me, American automobilés. This is perhaps why, as I read about the industries latest state of chaos I start to question a few things that do not seem to be on the minds of most people, except maybe Andy, if he had the time to have something on his mind these days. He is very busy. Give him a hand people. With that I give you, The Spirit of Andy Compels Me:

So, recently the US “officially” bought General Motors. Well, the US, the Canadians, the UAW and some bondholders (sounds really effin fishy to me) own the “new” GM. I drove past the lot today and they look like the same ol’ GMs to me, but I am no car expert. Or truck expert, since that is all that seems to be out front at any GM dealership I pass lately. Apparently they had to pay off some Germans to get the deal done—again, pretty effing fishy to me. I thought this was an American car company. Why were we so worried about saving it if it was owned by quasi-French and some krauts? Can someone explain this to me? Then today it is announced that the fascists bought Chrysler. What do Italians know about cars? Have they ever made a car that sold in the United States? And what is a Fiat? Is that the Italian word for foot? Is this some über-green car company that will have us all driving like Fred Flintstone ala the cavemobile? No fuel needed at all. The whole thing has me very worried. How did these companies not see this coming? What was going through GMs head (yes, referring to them as one mega-dumb-entity) when they bought Hummer? What made the Hummer cool was that Arnold Schwarzenegger owned one. People, he is a rich mother-effer. A really rich mother-effer in fact. I have seen the people who drive Hummers now a days. You are not that rich you stupid pricks. In fact, you are probably not rich at all. Your lease will be up soon. Try getting that overly inflated ego into a Daewoo. Not gonna be easy. The novelty of the Hummer was that Arnie was the one person who had a civilian version. One person. Singular. It’s cool when you stand alone. When you are number one. And he is a bodybuilder. A huge, massively thick human being. He needed a Hummer just to support his left nut. And really, he was never going very far anyway. He lives in California. They don’t really drive far in California. They just move their cars across the street all day long. They are all on the same schedule too, which is why there is so much gridlock. So what Conan The Destroyer drives should in no way affect what the country drives. But, it did. And what was the first division GM dumped? Hummer. Nah, really? Didn’t see that coming! Ya dumb effs! Ford is the one Big 3 (I think that phrase can officially go the way of the Dodo, there is nothing big about them anymore) that opted out of some sort of government backed assistance. They would get the official AndyPagana.com seal of approval for that—especially since their Mercury Grand Marquis is the Official Unsponsored Automobile of AndyPagana.com—but Ford apparently got in the way of the development of the a mass transportation network in Southern California, so he and his namesake company get a giant raspberry instead. Seriously, Henry Ford stood in the way of everyone having their own train. Now that would have been effing cool.

Let’s just cover the green movement for a moment. Al Gore was preaching to the masses twenty years ago. There should be two no-fuel cars in every garage at this very moment. As for GM, their giant eco-push over the last year was the Hybrid Tahoe. Guess what, it got 50% more gas mileage than the previous non-hybrid model. That would be amazing if the previous model was getting 30 mpg, but no, the previous model was getting 12 mpg. Do the math now. That’s right. 18mpg. WOW! Nice move GM. So you can sell more high-end SUVs to people who could already afford to waste all that gas and not realize they were slowly killing their live-in-nanny-raised trophy kids. Never mind the people who can’t afford your cars or the gas it takes to move them. They don’t buy things. They can’t help your company.

Turning the finger to you people for a few moments. Why do you all need small buildings to drive around in? You know who drives Suburbans, soccer moms. Not moms with one or two kids—moms with 6 kids. Six kidded moms is a separate rant altogether, but if you don’t fit the bill, you don’t need a boat to get you from point a to b. And if you buy an SUV for the one week vacation you drive to once a year, eff off and shove your crap in the trunk. And don’t tell me it’s for safety. Those bohemeths are not safer. In fact, they abide by a lower safety standard than safe cars. Years of increasing safety regulations and you all throw it out the window. The only thing you are protecting yourself from are more people who drive around like you—badly. If you had a smaller car, you wouldn’t run into each other as often. Think about it. Unless you are a contractor, a delivery person, or transporting cattle, you don’t need a truck. SUVs are trucks you dumbasses. You drive a truck. You are a truck driver. There I said it. Frucking Tuck Drivers!

Ok, now for the real rant. Where the flock are my flying cars! Talk about missing the boat on this one. President Obama shouldn’t be mandating higher fuel efficiency in the forth-coming cars from our newly restructured auto-makers, he should be demanding my garbage-eating Delorean damn it! I want my hovering car in the next five years. And I want to peal an orange and throw the rind in my tank and take off to 2010, where I am told life should be better. Screw it, I hate oranges, I am throwing in the whole thing. Give me a grapefruit instead. I have been watching reruns of afternoon cartoons for going on 40 years, and they told me that I would be flying around in my transport vehicle by now, not driving on the street. In fact, it should have happened ten years ago according to my research. And when I would otherwise need to park, I should be able to push a button and the car folds up like a Transformer that I put it in my wallet until I am ready for it again. These were reruns people. Nickelodean didn’t create these things, some bankrupt studio did in the fifties and sixties. I want hoverboards and George Jetson cars and I want them now.

The Germans that GM paid off run Opel. Adam Opel started out making sewing machines and bicycles. Sewing Machines and bicycles people! His sons switched to making cars when both of those machines were deemed obsolete by Chinese seemstresses and automobiles. They saw a change on the horizon and they switched gears. Sound familiar. NO! That’s because we don’t understand that thinking. It seems you can buy a German car company, but you can’t buy the mind behind a German car company. You know what else Opel makes? Zeppelins. Yep, the flying balloons. Think about this here. Merge the two and what do you have, a flying car. But no, GM paid them off to make sure we were American. WTF? Where the hell is my flying car. I want to see the USA from my Zeppelin Chevrolet. It should be roomy enough for me, but not as large as a Suburban. If you say you need a Suburban to go to the grocery store you are flipping moron. My grandmother put her groceries in a cart, wheeled it up a hill, then walked them up several flights of stairs. Now, had she had a flying car like she was supposed to, she could fly them right on up to the kitchen window, pull up onto the roof, pop the button and walk down the stairs with her flying car shoved up her sleeve like any self-respecting grandma. But no, she nor I have the flying cars we were promised. Who the hell do I talk to about that?

RATED R Posted by AndyFan: I am going out on a limb here because I have never seen Andy drink Dr Pepper, so he may take this as nothing to do with him. But in fact, this post has everything to do with him. In fact, you can swap out anything in place of the Dr. Pepper and you have the essence of what makes Andy tick. At least Angry Andy. And sometimes Angry Andy is the most fun Andy. So long as he is not Angry at you. Or me. Let’s face it, I really don’t care if he is Angry at you, you most likely deserved it. So, in what is sure to be an ongoing section here at AndyPagana.com, I will now describe my Friday night and how the Spirit of Andy Compelled Me.

I won’t get into my choice of Dr Pepper vs other fine cola drinks, that is most certainly more about me than Andy and will only warrant a low grade when he returns, but I do on many occasions enjoy the Doctor over say Coca-Cola. A cola is a cola is a cola. NO. Not true. Each has there own taste and each is different from the other. I will grant that there is so much sugar in all of them that after a few cans it starts to taste the same, much like wine or beer, but every soda pop starts out with their own particular punch.

So on Friday night as I partook in a fine can of Pepper, I noticed the tag line “Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors” The “23” was really large. At that moment Andy possessed my being and I uttered, too myself as no one was there to listen (nor would they if they were around), the following diatribe. The rant went something like this (add in had gestures and lots of extra cursing):

What the F$#K does Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors mean? Seriously, why are there 23 flavors advertised on the can? I want one flavor, DR FUCKING PEPPER flavor. I looked on the ingredient list and there was the normal roster of suspects: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup and/or sugar (who are they kidding, really, how bogus is that, it’s just the HFCS), caramel color (why not the caramel flavor too, why not a 24th flavor, why stop at 23?), phosphoric acid, artificial and natural flavors (WTF!!), sodium benzoate (preservative), and (last but certainly not least) caffeine. Ok, so we start out with water, no flavor at all. So why is it in there? Is the list of ingredients a part of the 23 authentic flavor combination? Who do I ask this question too? It’s very misleading. I am not sure if I should start counting the ingredients as flavors or if they provided no flavor at all. The sugar bullshit is just beyond insulting. They haven’t used sugar in that drink since 1950 I am sure. And how can you have it say high fructose corn syrup OR sugar? They don’t taste the same. I have eaten sugar, it’s not the same as corn syrup, let alone high fructose corn syrup. How can it be authentic if it is one or the other? Which one is authentic, high fructose corn syrup or sugar? I would assume sugar, since I don’t think that high fructose corn syrup was used in 1885 when Dr. Pepper T Pepperton invented the drink. And if that is the case, how the hell can it be authentic if it contains high fructose corn syrup? Or should I be reasoning that the ingredients provide no flavor at all and I have to figure out what the “authentic” flavors are? The caramel color is apparently just color, or they would say caramel. But since they use high fructose corn isn’t that really caramel now anyway? Corn syrup is a major ingredient in caramel, so if you have the color, and a good part of the flavor (HFCS), then don’t you now have caramel in the drink? Or have they figured out a way to keep the two separate in the can? Is that part of how they come up with 23 authentic flavors. Maybe each flavor is floating around separately in the can. Which is kind of gross. I don’t want anything floating around in the can. What the fuck is that about? After the color comes the acid. So I am either getting high or burning a hole in my stomach. I think it is the latter, but a Dr. did invent this stuff, so maybe I am getting high. I will skip the artificial and natural flavors for a moment and move on to the sodium benzoate. I have a hard time believing “sodium benzoate” was authentic in 1885. It doesn’t even sound authentic now. Lets just call it salt. Why is everything so complicated? It’s salt people! OK, moving on. If the acid didn’t get you high, the caffeine will help jump start it back into high gear (how many of these things did I drink?). Again, how exactly did they add caffeine in 1885. I am beginning to think this whole concoction is anything but authentic. Returning to the “artificial and natural flavors,” what kind of bull kocka is that? So every other ingredient is listed to its fullest and then we get to the flavors and it becomes vague? And what other kind of flavors could it be? Can’t it only be artificial or natural? Why not just say flavors? And can artificial flavors be authentic? I don’t think they can. They are fucking artificial. Since they are differentiating between artificial and natural, shouldn’t they say 12 artificial flavors and 11 natural flavors? But this brings me back to my original point, isn’t the flavor Dr Pepper flavor? Say artificial and natural ingredients? WTF?

So, this was my Friday night. What, you expected more on a Friday night? I have gotten yelled at enough this week by Andy, I don’t need any more of that? He is already taking a liking to this blogdom and is asking me to do more for him, so I don’t have time to go out on the town. That is for Andy. Who, by the way, was only gone for the weekend. Somebody misled me again. First I am told he is going away for three days over Easter and turns out he was gone for four. This time I was told he was going away until Tuesday and apparently he is wondering what I am doing. Gawd, can’t a guy catch a break? Someone give me a Dr Pepper.