Andrew (Andy) Pagana

RATED PG-13 Posted by AndyFan: On the heels of a not so Andy filled post (he just doesn’t see where it’s going people, would someone please help me out here), I thought it fitting to totally omit Andy from my next post as well. Well, he is only missing in content, never in spirit, and that is sometimes more fun. And actually, he is a rather big fan (read that as you will) of the subject of today’s The Spirit of Andy Compels Me, American automobilés. This is perhaps why, as I read about the industries latest state of chaos I start to question a few things that do not seem to be on the minds of most people, except maybe Andy, if he had the time to have something on his mind these days. He is very busy. Give him a hand people. With that I give you, The Spirit of Andy Compels Me:

So, recently the US “officially” bought General Motors. Well, the US, the Canadians, the UAW and some bondholders (sounds really effin fishy to me) own the “new” GM. I drove past the lot today and they look like the same ol’ GMs to me, but I am no car expert. Or truck expert, since that is all that seems to be out front at any GM dealership I pass lately. Apparently they had to pay off some Germans to get the deal done—again, pretty effing fishy to me. I thought this was an American car company. Why were we so worried about saving it if it was owned by quasi-French and some krauts? Can someone explain this to me? Then today it is announced that the fascists bought Chrysler. What do Italians know about cars? Have they ever made a car that sold in the United States? And what is a Fiat? Is that the Italian word for foot? Is this some über-green car company that will have us all driving like Fred Flintstone ala the cavemobile? No fuel needed at all. The whole thing has me very worried. How did these companies not see this coming? What was going through GMs head (yes, referring to them as one mega-dumb-entity) when they bought Hummer? What made the Hummer cool was that Arnold Schwarzenegger owned one. People, he is a rich mother-effer. A really rich mother-effer in fact. I have seen the people who drive Hummers now a days. You are not that rich you stupid pricks. In fact, you are probably not rich at all. Your lease will be up soon. Try getting that overly inflated ego into a Daewoo. Not gonna be easy. The novelty of the Hummer was that Arnie was the one person who had a civilian version. One person. Singular. It’s cool when you stand alone. When you are number one. And he is a bodybuilder. A huge, massively thick human being. He needed a Hummer just to support his left nut. And really, he was never going very far anyway. He lives in California. They don’t really drive far in California. They just move their cars across the street all day long. They are all on the same schedule too, which is why there is so much gridlock. So what Conan The Destroyer drives should in no way affect what the country drives. But, it did. And what was the first division GM dumped? Hummer. Nah, really? Didn’t see that coming! Ya dumb effs! Ford is the one Big 3 (I think that phrase can officially go the way of the Dodo, there is nothing big about them anymore) that opted out of some sort of government backed assistance. They would get the official AndyPagana.com seal of approval for that—especially since their Mercury Grand Marquis is the Official Unsponsored Automobile of AndyPagana.com—but Ford apparently got in the way of the development of the a mass transportation network in Southern California, so he and his namesake company get a giant raspberry instead. Seriously, Henry Ford stood in the way of everyone having their own train. Now that would have been effing cool.

Let’s just cover the green movement for a moment. Al Gore was preaching to the masses twenty years ago. There should be two no-fuel cars in every garage at this very moment. As for GM, their giant eco-push over the last year was the Hybrid Tahoe. Guess what, it got 50% more gas mileage than the previous non-hybrid model. That would be amazing if the previous model was getting 30 mpg, but no, the previous model was getting 12 mpg. Do the math now. That’s right. 18mpg. WOW! Nice move GM. So you can sell more high-end SUVs to people who could already afford to waste all that gas and not realize they were slowly killing their live-in-nanny-raised trophy kids. Never mind the people who can’t afford your cars or the gas it takes to move them. They don’t buy things. They can’t help your company.

Turning the finger to you people for a few moments. Why do you all need small buildings to drive around in? You know who drives Suburbans, soccer moms. Not moms with one or two kids—moms with 6 kids. Six kidded moms is a separate rant altogether, but if you don’t fit the bill, you don’t need a boat to get you from point a to b. And if you buy an SUV for the one week vacation you drive to once a year, eff off and shove your crap in the trunk. And don’t tell me it’s for safety. Those bohemeths are not safer. In fact, they abide by a lower safety standard than safe cars. Years of increasing safety regulations and you all throw it out the window. The only thing you are protecting yourself from are more people who drive around like you—badly. If you had a smaller car, you wouldn’t run into each other as often. Think about it. Unless you are a contractor, a delivery person, or transporting cattle, you don’t need a truck. SUVs are trucks you dumbasses. You drive a truck. You are a truck driver. There I said it. Frucking Tuck Drivers!

Ok, now for the real rant. Where the flock are my flying cars! Talk about missing the boat on this one. President Obama shouldn’t be mandating higher fuel efficiency in the forth-coming cars from our newly restructured auto-makers, he should be demanding my garbage-eating Delorean damn it! I want my hovering car in the next five years. And I want to peal an orange and throw the rind in my tank and take off to 2010, where I am told life should be better. Screw it, I hate oranges, I am throwing in the whole thing. Give me a grapefruit instead. I have been watching reruns of afternoon cartoons for going on 40 years, and they told me that I would be flying around in my transport vehicle by now, not driving on the street. In fact, it should have happened ten years ago according to my research. And when I would otherwise need to park, I should be able to push a button and the car folds up like a Transformer that I put it in my wallet until I am ready for it again. These were reruns people. Nickelodean didn’t create these things, some bankrupt studio did in the fifties and sixties. I want hoverboards and George Jetson cars and I want them now.

The Germans that GM paid off run Opel. Adam Opel started out making sewing machines and bicycles. Sewing Machines and bicycles people! His sons switched to making cars when both of those machines were deemed obsolete by Chinese seemstresses and automobiles. They saw a change on the horizon and they switched gears. Sound familiar. NO! That’s because we don’t understand that thinking. It seems you can buy a German car company, but you can’t buy the mind behind a German car company. You know what else Opel makes? Zeppelins. Yep, the flying balloons. Think about this here. Merge the two and what do you have, a flying car. But no, GM paid them off to make sure we were American. WTF? Where the hell is my flying car. I want to see the USA from my Zeppelin Chevrolet. It should be roomy enough for me, but not as large as a Suburban. If you say you need a Suburban to go to the grocery store you are flipping moron. My grandmother put her groceries in a cart, wheeled it up a hill, then walked them up several flights of stairs. Now, had she had a flying car like she was supposed to, she could fly them right on up to the kitchen window, pull up onto the roof, pop the button and walk down the stairs with her flying car shoved up her sleeve like any self-respecting grandma. But no, she nor I have the flying cars we were promised. Who the hell do I talk to about that?