I’m Gettin’ Pissed!!!

I am, for lack of a better word, an artist. I sometimes deal in words but I am generally an image guy. I like images. I like to use images to illustrate my ideas. I tell stories in images. It’s easier and quicker. And I have become lazy so it helps me. And I prefer pictures probably because I can rarely articulate my thoughts in words.

But for some reason I can’t seem to upload photos. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO EVEN MOTIVATE MYSELF LATELY??? And when I eek out enough energy to actually do something I can’t. I am prevented because of some BS computer issue. I HATE COMPUTERS!! I want to blow them up. I have things to say! OWLS are effing everywhere and I can’t even complain about it.

And where the F is Andyfan? Abandoned me!!! WTF??? I know this is his fault. I sure as hell know it isn’t mine!!

Road Rage

I wish I could take all the drivers in California, smush them together with the ones from New Jersey and make one big neck out of them so I can choke it.

Sonofa…

Okay… I had a great post for my mediocre return to this blog but for some reason I can’t upload photos. It’s killing the whole thing. WTF?? I hate computers.

Schwartzy and Pagana do a Burlesque Show

It was not that long ago that I went to a burlesque show with a friend and complained about the guy hosting it. It’s not that he was bad but we had heard the same jokes from this guy over and over and over again. (Apparently we went to burlesque shows a lot). Finally, the gal who runs the show (www.dollhouseproductions.com) said to us, well then, why don’t you two your smart asses (she has a filthy mouth) just do it yourselves? 

Pfff. Sure. How hard can it be?

So for the past two days in all our spare time when we should’ve been working or stalking ex girlfriends, we’ve been writing comedy bits in the tradition of old Vaudeville acts.

Now, for you writers out there… have you ever tried anything like this? It’s so bizarre. I have been in this mode of bad punch lining since we began. I’m asking every question at work like I’m Bud Abbott and throwing out bad jokes and punch lines in the most inappropriate situations. Waiters, kids, my mother… everything that someone says to me is responded to with some kind of smart allecky remark. (Although one of my co-workers say I’ve been in that mode since I’ve met him)

Anyway, we have come up with a number routines that I have NO IDEA how they are gonna come off. We’re not performers. We’ve never done a live show. We have twenty minutes of material we need to perfect and memorize by next Wednesday night.

So if you wanna see what we’ve come up with check us out at the Aura Nightclub, 12215 Ventura Blvd. in Studio City (California) Wednesday Night December 16th 9:00pm.

We’re inviting our porn star friend Charley Chase (story to come) and even wrote her into our act, so if you don’t wanna see us, at least come to see her. Oh, and the dancers. I hear they’re gonna have dancers between our bits.

(And oh yeah, my partner’s name is Schwartzy)

At the Invictus Premiere (Part 1)

About 10 years ago I saw Clint Eastwood grocery shopping somewhere in Westwood I think. He looked like walking death. A skeleton with grey skin pushing an empty shopping cart and looking so pissed off that it was clear to me that the only reason he was still walking around was that the Grim Reaper was too afraid to go pick him up.

I asked him if he knew where the peanut butter was as if he were just any other shopper and he said “It’s around here somewhere” and left it at that. I kinda watched him for a bit as I am fascinated by people and I can be kind of a “people watcher” (or “creepy voyeur”  depending on what time of day it is and where I am) and then I left, without peanut butter (thanks for nothing, Clint)

So any time I saw him in the movies or on TV since I could never figure out why he looked so strong and… well, alive. The magic of the movies I guess. They made Bogart look tall and Travolta look straight so I guess they an do anything.

And then, as it so often happens in my life, I find myself the other night where I have no business being and ended up smack dab in the middle of a the Invictus Premiere and after party…

…where Clint and I meet again.

(Come back for more of this pointless story)

I’m Home Sick Today

You think that maybe I would have the energy to write more than I am, but I don’t. I hate being sick.

I don’t get it…

What’s with this Tiger Woods controversy with his accident? He wasn’t drinking or doing drugs, so why do we give a shit? WTF??? Somebody please tell me what the fascination is. He’s not even hurt.

The Andy Quote of the Day

I like truth and honesty, even if one has to be sneaky and underhanded to get to it.

I Hate Owls

I really hate them with all my heart. They are evil, vicious little things.

The FU@#!ING Evil Owls are back!!!

Okay. True story. I was beginning to think that maybe I should take it easy on owls. I was actually coming around. Not sure why. My forgiving nature I suppose. I mean, I haven’t felt haunted by them lately. In fact, they’ve all but left me alone. I started to think “Maybe I miss understood them. Maybe they are serving a positive purpose in my life”. I almost wrote a post that gave them a little bit of credit. 

And then BOOM! 

They’re back. They’re back, haunting me in ways I cannot even begin to tell you. 

And so, last night I go to The Echo Park Film Festival to see my buddy Robert Beaucage’s short film ‘Resonance’. It was a pleasant enough experience until I was looking for an exit and found myself in the water closet and came face to face with a GIANT, EVIL LOOKING OWL piercing me with it’s eyes. Look at how creepy it is. Who can relax enough to do their business long enough with this omen of death.

They’re back. And it seems they’re not fu@#!ing around!