This Is All I Have To Say About This!

Posted by AndyFan: Yes, I too am back. And we all know who he is pissed at.

The Spirit of Andy Compels Me

Rated NC-17 because apparently this stuff is very taboo. Posted by AndyFan: What the effing eff is a reimagining? Seriously? Can someone tell me? No, right the eff right effing now? And while you are at it can you explain reboot to my simple little mind? No, really? I don’t get it. A computer gets rebooted. Or a hooker after a nice romp in the sack. I understand the latter but I’m still not sure what the former means. But right now I don’t understand most computer terms except for undo, which should not be proprietary to computers. That my friends should come with real life, imagined or otherwise. However that is another post. Another Compelling post. This one is about the movies that I want deleted before they are even created, I’m sorry, rebooted, recreated, or reimagined as you will. The uncompelling ones. And some that have already been. Undo those effers too.

If you imagine something, you believe it to be. You can then go off and make it so, or just continue to believe, in your own world, happy and content. What exactly does it take to reimagine something. How effing lazy and apathetic are you that you couldn’t hold onto the thought, whether membered or remembered, and know that hey, you or someone else with a better brain than you had that thought already. Maybe it was good the first time. Maybe even better. Maybe you should just leave it the eff alone. Maybe, just maybe, if you got your head out of your arse for just a few effing minutes you might realize that if you have to imagine a few new words that make no sense just so that you have something to talk about what you have just “reimagined” to death, then maybe, just maybe, you might realize where your head is, that that genius idea you had wasn’t quite so much, since you really didn’t have it, someone else did a long long time ago, and they are pissed right now because what was once great, or at the very least compelling, has stink written all over it now. Seriously, where is the undo when you need it? On second thought, hold the explanations. I have already reimagined that you don’t exist. Never did in fact.

AndyFan to Andy

Posted by AndyFan: Just so you know, they care because he was effing everyone.

Andy: Who?

AndyFan: What’s his name.

Andy: Who!!?

AndyFan: Uhh, Tiger Woods.

Andy: Oh, yeah! I guess he was.

A Chinaman, A Frenchman and Michael Lee Walk Into A Bar

Posted by Andyfan: A phone conversation not so late one night. There was suddenly a bunch of noise on Andy’s end.

AndyFan: What was that?

Andy: I was walking by a Chinawoman, a black woman, and a Mexican woman racing remote controlled cars.

AndyFan: What? Really? That is exactly what it sounded like. The squeal of a remote controlled car and the squeal of a little Mexican and Chinese woman. I didn’t hear the black woman though.

Andy: Why is it you can say Frenchman but you can’t say Chinaman.

AndyFan: Why is it that you can’t say Chinaman?

Andy: People get upset?

AndyFan: Oh, I wasn’t sure if it was for another reason.

Andy: What do you mean? What other reason?

AndyFan: Well, the two aren’t the same, Chinaman and Frenchman. You wouldn’t say Chinaman, because you don’t say Franceman. But if you are talking about the Asian/Oriental pc issue, I think that is taking it too far. If you are man and you are from China, you are a Chinaman.

Andy: Right. You say china marker.

AndyFan: Well, in that case you should say China-everything.

Andy: Why, is that why they are called China Markers.

AndyFan: Oh, i don’t know, I was just going on another tangent.

Andy: But you say chinamarker, right?

AndyFan: Yeah…

Andy: Or do you call it a grease pencil?

AndyFan: What…

Andy: Or is that only if it is from Italy?

They Are All Lean-to Chairs

Posted by AndyFan: There are few things that Andy takes for granted in life. Very few. A bastion of self appreciation. A monument to patience and grace. A wonder of…Wait. Did I get that right? Not sure. Maybe it is the other way around. Really, does it matter? Andy does a lot for you people—what is the relevance of his taking things for granted or not. As far as he is concerned if you think he is taking things for granted he most certainly should be. Things, when plugged in, should work as they were intended. Reformatting should only be necessary for those things that were not purchased formatted. Otherwise why purchase them so? On, well on should turn things on, not require a reboot and possible deletion of a few files in order to play video chat tag with certain underlings who do not uphold their AndyPagana.com duties. What worked yesterday, well, should work today. Right now in fact. Not after several failed attempts at finding an online forum with a similar problem that I (read Andy) should not be having at this very moment. Right this very minute now.

That said, there is one thing that Andy expects from the world at every given moment. It is a given in his world. Not even a must. Just an is. All chairs are made to lean back. To the floor in fact. Further if possible. Straight backed wooden chairs. They should lean back. Upright stools with no back at all, back they should lean as well. Sofa backs that have no business leaning, should be found leaning. As far and wide as humanly possible. Lazy Boys that already lean, should lean even farther when Andy nears. So far back that the image of Andy in one borders on the perverse and can not be described here as it may offend his Mother. And we don’t want to offend Mother. She is the only person who can get him to sit up straight. Andy hates that.

TAndytrum

Posted by AndyFan: Yes, mind you, we have added another. Not just any kind of tantrum, a TAndytrum. It borders on the obscene. Actually it doesn’t border on it, it lives right smack dab in the middle of it. Like a small Mexican village where drinking the water will just make everything not quite right for weeks on end; where you are not sure if you are the resident or the alien, but you know you shouldn’t stay either way; where the mood is always mellow on the verge of a cataclysmic apocalypse; where you are certain the roads are paved but there is so much dust lying on the ground that you dare not even breath for fear of being choked; where the women all have the look of the virginal exotic local, only to realize that this bar is the crossroads of the west and you just drank the worm at the bottom of the bottle only to wake up with a hangover, a vague understanding of geographic tongue and no one to tell you if you should show your face at work the next day.

You Certainly Are!

Posted by AndyFan: Trying was the operative word here. Apparently I am very much so. And on most days.

We Have Some Work To Do!

Posted by AndyFan: So Andy calls AndyFan one night and asks what it would take to do some scanning of an odd nature.

What kind of odd nature asks AndyFan.

Oh, I don’t know says Andy, abnormal sized things.

Well, we can do it in pieces and put it together says AndyFan.

OK, that sounds good, we can do that says Andy.

Anything else says AndyFan.

Well, we would need to do some small film scanning, maybe some 16mm says Andy.

Oh, we might need to build a mount for that, so it scans evenly says AndyFan.

Oh, ok, says Andy.

That all we need to do, asks AndyFan.

By we I mean you, says Andy.

We knew that, says AndyFan.

Well John Ford Did!

Posted by AndyFan: Andy has many a times (Where did that phrase come from? Why is it “a times”? Why not just “many times”?). OK, many a times I have overheard (what is overheard? Didn’t you just hear it? Did someone say it again? Or did you hear it over a bucket?). Alright, many a times I have overheard Andy retelling a situation that seems to happen time and again (think we covered that already), especially in Hollywood. Most particularly with directors. Andy may not be Steven Spielberg, at least not yet (well, he is not going to become Steven Spielberg, that is just scientifically impossible, at least if you believe in science that is) but he knows a thing or two about directing. In fact he knows more than a thing or two about directing. His knowledge of directing can only be quantified with the following example. Take all of the useless facts that Andy has crammed inside that modestly sized noggin, factor in his skill for squeezing tens times more stuff into his car and home than should physically be possible (see why you shouldn’t believe in science, it’s not always right, just ask Andy), then put those both together with his passion for Dunkin Donuts coffee (and donuts) topped with his udder frustration for lazy coffeeless bearing waitresses in coffee shops, multiply it times like a quatrillion and you have Andy The Director—well versed in the history of the craft, willing to go above and beyond the call of duty, puts in his last drop of dedication and can not stand when those who are hired to work do not want to do their jobs. With that I give you the following scenario, compiled from many a years of overhearings.

Andy: (SCREAMING) Well John Ford did!

Apathetic Cast, Crew, or Producer: Well, you’re not John Ford.

Andy: I know I am not! I am Andy Pagana! If you wanted John Ford you should have called him! But you didn’t! You hired me! So sit down, shut up and do what I say! That is what you do! You do what the director says! I am the director! Do what I say!

Apathetic Cast, Crew, or Producer: Can we still get John Ford?

Andy: None of you are hot enough to ask that question!

The Chinese Love Andy

Posted by AndyFan: Ancient Chinese wisdom states that “Men should worry about fame just as pigs about being fat.” I have no idea what this means or how to say it in Chinese, or even if it is a real Chinese proverb (I too do not trust this interweb thing) but I do know that the Chinese love Andy, and that he is worried about fame and being fat. No, really he is and they do. I mean, I don’t understand a lick of Chinese, but they seem to always have a smile on their face as they swarm around him trying to get a picture with our beloved hero. It’s like bees to honey, or is it bears to honey. Really, don’t bees just throw the honey up? Does this expression even make sense. And has anyone really seen a bear eat honey? The little plastic jars are cute and all, but do they actually like honey? I thought they ate fish and crazy white guys who think they can talk to bears. But I digest. The Chinese love Andy. I know this because I have seen it. It is a borderline obsession of theirs. And if this blog was not banned in China, they would have all the more Andy to love. Even if Google was really Google in China, they would end up confused and say “no, I no mean Andy Pagano,” as best they can in Engrish.  Andy personally supports several Chinese families with his donations to various institutions. More of a reason to love Andy, especially if you are Chinese. There is even a word in Chinese that I am told means hero which I have heard uddered at many a Chinese Andy sighting. In English it is pronounced dah•uhm. In Chinese it means hero of men, women and beasts; one to bow down to. Or so I am told. Like I said, I don’t speak Chinese. But I do enjoy seeing an egg roll.